Goodbye and Hello

Goodbye 2007. It was a perfect year save for the absence of my mother.
The older I get the faster the time goes. I am aware every day of the
precious commodity that is time. I wish you ALL happiness and a
wonderful 2008.

So Many Movies

Me: What was the last movie you saw?

Myself: National Treasure, last night, 9:40 pm. Really enjoyed it.

Me: You liked National Treasure???

Myself: For me these films accomplish everything the Da Vinci Code didn't. They're fun! The Da Vinci Code was NOT fun. Are the National Treasure films silly? Of course! But I still enjoy them. They move very well. I love the way the say, "We need to go to Paris!" And boom, they're in Paris. No shots of the plane taking off and arriving in France. They just are suddenly in Paris. I like that pacing. Transitions are highly overrated. It's an efficient way of storytelling. I sort of find it inspiring.

Me: Are you saying you're inspired by National Treasure 2.

Myself: In a way, yes. Bruckheimer knows how to engage and entertain an audience. Look at the people behind the Aliens vs Predator series. There's an example of people who have absolutely no clue what they're doing. They took two of the coolest creatures ever created and shat all over them in not one but TWO movies.

Me: I wouldn't even see it!

Myself: Have you seen Predator? Have you seen Alien? These movies are two examples of perfect movies that work completely on every level. So how, I ask you, do we end up with the pure shit that is the AVP series. Every moment of each AVP movie is terrifyingly crappy. Look at the Batman series. Christopher Nolan has completely restarted what was a dead franchise. He should be directing AVP. The movie I am most looking forward to in 2008 is the next Batman film. I've watched Batman begins countless times and every time it gets better and better. Nolan proves that dead franchises can be revitalized.

Me: Why are we talking about Batman Begins. I want to hear about movies that are out now. What did you think of Sweeney Todd.

Myself: Sweeney is a little tough for me. I loved it. Loved every minute of it. But I had to pretend I hadn't heard it sung better countless times. I had to take it on its own terms. I worship Tim Burton. Seriously. And I worship Sondheim, so to see them both in one movie is like one big prolonged orgasm. But I still came home and listened to the original Broadway cast recording. I'm thrilled that we have both versions and I hope they make movies of ALL Sondheim's shows.

Me: But they won't.

Myself: But they should.

Me: But they won't.

Myself: So you loved Sweeney.

Me: I loved it.

Myself: BUT...

Me: But I'm glad we have original cast recordings! That's all I'm gonna say. Did you see it?

Myself: I did. I loved it, too. I cried when the little boy sang, "Not While I'm Around." I thought he had the best voice in the movie.

Me: So you had a problem with the singing, too.

Myself: I wouldn't say problem, but I did cry when the little boy sang. So...I'm not sure what that means. I look forward to seeing it again.

Me: Me too. What's next?

Myself: Let's talk about Hitman and No Country For Old Men. I saw both hitman movies in one week. Javiar Bardem is a perfect hitman but I have concerns about Timothy Olyphant.

Me: Are you really comparing Hitman to No Country For Old Men.

Myself: Well they're the same movie, basically.

Me: Are you out of your mind?

Myself: When you boil it down they're the same. Listen, there's only two plots; Cinderella and/or Jack the Giant Killer. Every story is a variation on those two plots. In all stories characters are either falling in love or trying to kill a giant. And in some movies they're doing both at the same time. Jaws is of course Jack the Giant Killer. Silence of the Lambs is Jack the Giant Killer. Alien is Jack the Giant Killer. Brokeback Mountain is both Cinderella and Jack the Giant Killer. In Brokeback they are falling in love (with each other) and battling giants (the world and themselves). Trust me there are only two plots. So if the Coen Brothers had written and directed Hitman starring Javiar Bardem it might have been just a good a film as No Country For Old Men. Did you see Hitman?

Me: No one saw Hitman but you.

Myself: Some Marines in Oceanside saw it cause they were in the theatre with me.

Me: So you and 5 Marines saw it.

Myself: And I actually sort of liked it. But I'm still not sure I bought Timothy Olyphant as a hard-boiled Hitman. I'm having a hard time remembering it even. I didn't hate it. I'm just not sure about Olyphant. He seemed so nice.

Me: Maybe that's a good thing.

Myself: Maybe. I'm not sure.

Me: But No Country For Old Men?

Myself: Loved it. Saw it twice. Will hopefully see it again. Well maybe not loved it. I liked it sooooooooo much. Really really really liked it. Wait, maybe I loved it.

Me: Craziest ending ever filmed!

Myself: The first time I saw it, the entire audience gasped and said out loud "What the fuck????" I laughed but people were not saying nice things on the way out of the theatre. I wanted a different ending, too, but I also accepted the ending. I bought the whole package. And I actually enjoyed the movie more the second time. The second time around the plot holes seemed much larger but I don't really question it. I love the movie as is. Unconditionally.

Me: Do you think it'll win the Oscar?

Myself: I think there's a good chance. It will certainly be nominated. But the buzz on There Will Be Blood is tremendous.

Me: Have you seen it yet?

Myself: No, but I'm dying to. I almost drove up to LA last night to see it. It's not in Oceanside yet. I'm really looking forward to it.

Me: Hey, should we stop talking now? Do you think anyone is gonna read this whole long thing?

Myself: Bret will. Marz might. Maybe my brother will if he's having a slow day at work. Carolyn will skim it, I bet. Michelle will try but she'll get bored and go walk her dogs instead!

Me: We haven't even gotten to the other movies you've seen and not written about.

Myself: You mean Bee Movie, P2, Awake, The Mist, Beowulf, The Golden Compass and I am Legend.

Me: Did you like those?

Myself: I thought I Am Legend worked perfectly. I completely believed it. I was scared. I got nervous. My heart rate increased. I tried to see it again but after 20 minutes I left to go do a booty call.

Me: You took a phone call during the movie???

Myself: The theatre was empty. And no I didn't take a call. I got an e-mail on the trusty iPhone. So I got a refund and went home and had sex.

Me: I can't believe you checked your e-mail during the movie! That's disgusting.

Myself: You're right. It is. I'm such a fucking hypocrite!

Me: How was the sex?

Myself: I don't recall.

Me: How was Bee Movie?

Myself: I think I liked it. yes I liked it. I wanted to see it after seeing Seinfeld give a great interview on Charlie Rose. He seems so clear. So unclouded by Hollywood. So sane. I wanted to see his movie after watching the interview. He talked about his being OK with not working. He talked about not feeling the need to make more product just for the sake of making more product. I struggle with not working. I feel guilty some days. I feel I should be out there but I haven't figured out how to work and have a peaceful life at the same time. Once, I figure out that magic formula I'll probably go back to work but right now I'm okay with not working.

Me: I don't believe you're okay with not working.

Myself: I'm figuring it out. I'm in transition. I know my touring days are behind me. Dragging my ass from city to city is nothing I'm interested in doing again anytime soon. So when I work again, if I do, it will be very different, I hope.

Me: I just want to know what you thought about Bee Movie. I don't care whether you work or not.

Myself: Yes, I liked Bee Movie.

Me: Let's try this. I'll name a movie. You give me a one sentence response.

Myself: Ok.

Me: P2.

Myself: Best movie I ever saw set in a parking garage. Bad acting. Stupid script. I almost left 5 times. Glad I saw it though. The lead actress was dreadful.

Me: That's 6 sentences.

Myself: Sorry.

Me: The Mist.

Myself: Loved the violence, hated the talking. More killing, less talk, please!

Me: You're a barbarian!

Myself: Well if they're gonna talk they should say something interesting. I had a revelation last night that it would be totally fascinating to see a Halloween sequel written and directed by Woody Allen. Now that would be an interesting movie.

Me: Indeed.

Myself: And speaking of scary movies, Emma Thompson in I Am Legend gets my vote this year for best supporting actress. She brilliantly sells the opening of the movie and when she humbly smiles after announcing they "cured cancer" I got chills. Her acting in that brief opening is some of the best acting I've seen all year. She's so perfect! Perfect!

Myself: Emma Thompson is in I Am Legend with Will Smith??? Are you on crack?

Me: In the opening. She's the doctor in the opening. She's brilliant.

Myself: Beowulf.

Me: I want to have sex with Beowulf. The naked fight scene was better than Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises. But the movie? Eh. Whatever. It looks like a video game. What's the point? Did it need to be animated. Is a cartoon Anthony Hopkins better than a real one? Peter Jackson could've made a live version of the same movie and it would have been much better! It left me very cold.

Myself: But did you like it better than The Golden Compass.

Me: Oh God! Don't remind me. It seems like a bad dream. Did I really sit through that? The WORST! Soooooooooo boring. I almost slit my wrists for entertainment. Truly a snooze. And weird. And creepy. It's not anti-Christian it's anti-cohesion. I didn't even know what I was watching. The kids have demons that are animals and the adults want to take their pets away and it costs 200 million to make. What the fuck???? I mean really! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Myself: Which segues perfectly to our last movie, Awake.

Me: Awake! Oh, Awake. The sequel to the Golden Compass. Another movie that I can't comprehend.

Myself: I would love to discuss this movie with someone but NO ONE I know saw it. Did you see it?

Me: I saw it with you.

Myself: Is it the strangest movie of 2007?

Me: Possibly, yes. I think on some level I actually enjoyed it but I'm not sure. It's soooooo weird. I admire these writers that actually think this shit up and sell it to studios for millions of dollars. "I've written a script about a guy who is put to sleep during open heart surgery but he's not really asleep and while he's not really asleep he has to solve his own murder before it happens so he can save himself." WHAT THE FUCK??? Who thinks this stuff up? Seriously????? Sign me up! I have a million insane ideas!

Myself: Maybe you should write screenplays.

Me: Yes, the world needs more screenplays!

Me: So, there we have it. The longest blog entry ever written!

Myself: I like it better when you update more consistently with shorter entries.

Me: But I don't write it for you. I write it for me.

Post-Christmas Bird

On the Oceanside pier today, this bird was the main attraction.

Merry Christmas!

Here they go....

90, home-made, hand-written, Christmas cards!!!!! I have 5 left over!
If you want a Christmas card, email me!

Gee, my hair smells TERRIFIC!

It's wig-washing day at Casa de Sally.

Merry Christmas!

From all your friends at Wal-Mart in Oceanside! Semper Fi!

Cool Rambo Poster

It's very Che Guevara!

Christmas in Oceanside!

Goodbye turkeys, hello trees!

Happy Birthday, Soulmate!

I love you more than anything on this planet! Have a great day! And congratulations on your AMAZINGLY SUCCESSFUL YEAR!

"It's fun to stay at the YYYYY, M, C, A!"


Wish Caryn Horwitz a Happy Birthday via e-mail at: Producer@RonnieLarsen.com

Greetings from Syracuse

Friend: What did you do today?

Syracuse: Left some nasty comments on Ronnie Larsen's idiotic, typo-ridden, self-absorbed blog.

Friend: Who's Ronnie Larsen?

Syracuse: A big fat nobody. A total loser-asshole.

Friend: So why do you read his blog?

Syracuse: Because he's a total fucking loser.

Friend: How often do you read it?

Syracuse: Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.

Friend: Blogs are stupid.

Syracuse. Totally. And his is the worst. Super boring. Mostly pathetic shit about sex and movies. And he complains about stupid shit and makes pointless movies and dresses in drag. He's a real douchebag. A real loser. Nobody likes him.

Friend: Sounds boring.

Syracuse: Super boring. Sometimes I leave comments telling him he's a total loser and to get a life.

Friend: Why do you want him to get a life?

Syracuse: Cause I do.

Friend: Why do you care? Dude, we live in Syracuse. Don't you read Wikipedia? Check this out:

"The City of Syracuse maintains over 170 parks, fields, and recreation areas, totaling over 1000 acres. Burnet Park includes the first public golf course in the United States (1901) and Rosamond Gifford Zoo. There are 12 public pools, two public ice rinks, and two public nine-hole golf courses in the city."

Friend: Why spend your time commenting on his stupid blog. Let's go to the Rosamond Gifford Zoo. Let's go ice-skating. Let's golf! Life is too short to focus on assholes.

Sryacuse: Man, you're right. What a fool I've been. Life is short. Plus he just deletes my comments anyway, so what's the point, really? Except that now he knows someone in Syracuse, on a Mac, browsing with Safari, using Roadrunner, with the IP address 74.79.165.#, really hates him! As long as he knows that, I'm happy.

Friend: I think he knows that.

Syracuse: Cool.

2 Down, 1 to Go!

Ronnie: I'm glad you're leaving.

Thanksgiving: You really don't like me.

Ronnie: It's not personal but I get nothing done when you're around. I spent 5 hours one day helping people cook. Then on Saturday I got dragged to EVERY gay bar in San Diego. And yes, I do mean EVERY. And I loathe gay bars. I don't understand them. People stand around and stare at each other. When I go, which is once every five years, I actually talk to people. I find out who the bottoms are and who the tops are and guess what, they're all BOTTOMS!

Thanksgiving: Why are you telling me this? I'm not gay. I'm Thanksgiving.

Ronnie: Because if it wasn't for you I wouldn't been in all those gay bars.

Thanksgiving: No one dragged you to a gay bar.

Ronnie: You don't know me very well. I agreed to go to one and then it turned into 12 and the next thing you know it's 3 AM!

Thanksgiving: Don't blame me for your problems.

Ronnie: I don't blame you. You're lovely but I'm glad you're leaving.

Thanksgiving: You should be grateful. Because of me you had experiences you wouldn't have otherwise had.

Ronnie: I'm grateful. I love you. Now leave.

Thanksgiving: I'm leaving. But I'll be back.

Chopping Mushrooms

How did I get roped into helping a friend cook Thanksgiving dinner? I
guess they don't read my blog!!!

Hair today, hair tomorrow!

Just like anarchists, the eyebrows simply do what they want! That is
my only complaint about aging. Most of the eyebrows behave but there
are always rogue hairs that will not surrender! It's a frustrating
predicament.

Linda Loves Me!

And I love Linda!!!

Happy Thanksgiving?

Turkey: So are you excited about Thanksgiving?

Ronnie: Hell no. I don't get it, I've never gotten it.

Turkey: You don't like turkey?

Ronnie: I don't like any food that takes 8 hours to prepare. I always thought it was a cruel joke played on my mother that for a "holiday" once a year she "got to" get up at 5 am and start making dinner. What fun that must have been for her! I get angry thinking about it. It's not good enough to just make dinner every day for your family! No sireee! For one "special" day in November you have to spend 8 whole hours making it!

Turkey: Maybe she enjoyed it?

Ronnie: Well I don't remember anyone ever asking her, "Mom, do you really want to do this? Seriously? Wouldn't you just rather order Chinese food?" She loved Chinese food. Thanksgiving is another holiday that has morphed in to a lovely day of torture. People stuck in airports and cars just so they can eat food with people they don't really like and eat food they can eat any other day of the year. You want cranberry sauce in February, eat it. Why wait for November? And why do you have to fly across the fucking country to eat an ugly slice of cranberry crap. Eat it by yourself in your own home if you need it that bad. It's a huge secret, but you're actually allowed to eat cranberry sauce year round. It's true! People just don't know that.

Turkey: I fear you have a black heart.

Ronnie: Imagine a day, once a year, called Corn Dog Day. And everyone travels miles and miles to eat corn dogs with their family:

"What are you doing for Corn Dog Day?" "Are you excited about Corn Dog Day?" "Hmmmm, I can't wait to stuff myself with corn dogs on, Thursday. We're going to her sisters house this year. She makes the best corn dogs!"

No offense, but I don't even like turkey that much. But if I wake up with a craving for turkey I'll go buy a turkey sandwich. I don't need a national holiday to eat meat.

Turkey: But, Ronnie, Thanksgiving is a day of thanks!

Ronnie: Everyday should be a day of thanks! Every moment should be filled with thanks. Do you know how lucky we are to be alive. Do you know how rare life is? Read "Rare Earth", it's all about how difficult it is for a planet to foster life and what a miracle it is that Earth worked out. I'm thankful everyday. I should have been aborted. My birth mother got pregnant at 14 in 1969. It would have been easy for her just to abort me and get on with her childhood, but she didn't. She carried me to term and gave me up for adoption to a wonderful family. I don't need a special day to remind me to give thanks. I give thanks every day. Life is a miracle. My life is miracle. I'm thankful. Happy Thanksgiving and all that. Now turn off the oven and enjoy your miraculous life, unless, of course, you actually enjoy cooking all that food. Do you really enjoy it? Be honest.

Lions for Lambs (and Hitler, too)

I shot the pic below during the most action-packed part of the film. Meryl and Tom are TALKING, TALKING, TALKING and then all-of-sudden Tom Cruise...leans forward. It's riveting!!! Honestly, once you've seen this photo, you've seen the whole movie.



Bret: So, how long did you stay?

Me: Long enough to finish my popcorn.

Bret: That bad?

Me: The worst!

Bret: Worst of the year?

Me: Maybe the decade. I don't have the verbal skills to describe how horrible this steaming pile of shit is! This is the worst film of the year, no question because for one, IT'S NOT A FILM. It's bad propaganda pretending to be a film. It's badly filmed and badly acted and badly cast and badly written. The only actress who could have made this crap work is Judi Dench. If she had played all three roles then maybe they could've gotten away with just a well-acted bad script. But this goes down in a blaze of glory. The worst acting since Cary Elwes in Saw 1. I've never seen Meryl Streep work so hard to try to create a character. She tries sooooo hard. It's painful to watch an actress of her ability working so hard. And the script is stiffer than plywood. And it doesn't have an original thought in its brain. And it looks like it was filmed over one week on no budget. And the worst part is the actors do this weird, smiling thing they've all clearly been directed to do. They all SMILE at each other the whole time, like they just had sex or got drunk! It's fucking creepy. And they sit across desks and talk, talk, talk. Blab, blab, blab. It feels like those infomercial/interview shows that are supposed to feel like a real conversation but they're so badly acted you can't even watch them.

Bret: So how long did you last?

Me: Maybe 30 minutes, tops. Maybe 25. And it gets better. Before the film they show a horrible trailer for a ridiculous looking film called Valkyrie, starring Tom Cruise, in an eye patch. I laughed out loud when he said with a straight face, "We have to kill Hitler!!!" LOL I don't even know why it makes me laugh but it does. Tom Cruise has to kill Hitler! Is this a parody or something??? Tell me I'm dreaming! The trailer makes me howl. And it looks like a comic book. Cruise even looks like Superman with his wavy hairdo. This trailer is vile. I predict horrible reviews and zero box office. You heard it here first kids. Hitler will get the last laugh.

Crazy Bus

Bus Man: Would you like to make a donation?

Ronnie: Nah.

Bus Man: Why not?

Ronnie: (matter of fact) Cause some of the stuff on your bus is homophobic and I'm gay so I really can't support it.

Bus Man: (lovingly) You're not gay.

Ronnie: (smiling) I am.

Bus Man: (seriously) Can I tell you why you're not gay?

Ronnie: (smiling) Not today. I gotta go.

Ronnie gets in the car and drives down the road. He thinks to himself.

"Great job, Ronnie. Another missed opportunity. You should have stayed and let him tell you why you're not gay. It would've been interesting. Now you'll never know why he thinks you're not gay. And where the hell is your video camera. This would've been a great little video. You could've filmed the bus, him talking, your reactions...this whole thing was one big missed opportunity. And why didn't you donate, asshole? The man takes all that time to paint his bus and put these amusing sayings out there and you make a mini-protest by withholding a few bucks. What if you would have said:

"Hey, I'm gay but I love your bus and I admire you for putting yourself out there and believing in something and expressing yourself. I support your right to say crazy shit. I'm gay and here's 10 bucks. When you spend it, know you're spending gay money, ok!"

This could've been golden but instead you walked away. Life only happens once, my friend. Don't run from the crazy bus! Jump on it. Are you listening?

Me: I should've stayed. You're right.

Myself: I know I am. Don't tell me I'm right. I hate when people tell me I'm right when I know I'm right already. Don't tell me what I know, tell me something I don't know. You fucked up man!

Me: I fucked up. The next time I see the crazy bus I won't make the same mistake. I'll stay and find out why I'm not gay.

Myself: Good man!

Customer Complaint #1

(At the speaker)

Del: Hi, welcome to Del Taco, would you like to try our new tasty, Mexican Caeser salad, today?

RL: No, I don't.

Del: What?

RL: I said, "no I don't."

Del: Ok, what can I get you?

(Flash forward 5 minutes, at the window)

RL: (speaking calmly, in a friendly manner) Hi, can I tell you something to tell the manager? It's not personal but it's really starting to annoy me. Everyday when I pull up you ask me if I wanna try the new tasty Mexican Ceaser salad but I I tried it two months ago. I liked it. It's a nice salad. But I come here all the time, I know what I want. If the goal of this place is to make the customers happy then you should just ask them what they want right away cause I don't like pulling up and having conversations with you guys about Mexican salads. I just want to place my order. Know what I mean?

Del: Yeah, dude, it's annoying but we have to say it.

RL: I understand, but if the customers start complaining then maybe the manager will decide it's a bad idea and change the policy, right? The customer's always right, right?

Del: True, true!

RL: I'm not mad at you or anything.

Del; Oh, I know.

RL: You're a lovely person, I'm just telling you something to pass on to the manager.

Del: Ok, I will.

RL: Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Bye-bye!

My second date with Michael

Sally: Michael, I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry I left early. I guess maybe we shouldn't see each other again. The first date was perfect. You're a solid guy. Solid. But it was hard to maintain interest on the second date. I found myself admiring you but I wasn't thrilled and frankly, when I'm in a dark room with a sexy man and a bag of hot popcorn between my legs, I want to be thrilled. Actually, I was really transfixed by your friend, Tilda, she's totally captivating. Maybe I'm a lesbian. Anyway, I'm sorry I left after 30 minutes but I was getting bored. I hope you understand.

Michael: I'm confused. Do you like me or not?

Sally: I like you but I'm not in love with you, anymore. I'm sorry, Michael Clayton.

Michael: When you say my whole name you sound like my mother.

Sally: I'm sorry. Goodbye, Michael. I'll see you on cable.

Bling!

Bling! Bling!

Whores for 14 Points

I love Scrabble!!!

Simply the coolest lobby display I have experienced! It's huge! You
have to stand in front of it to feel the enormity and impact!

Sweeney Todd is coming!

Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!

Beached Bees

Me: So how was your jog?

Myself: It's not a jog, it's a walk.

Me: A crawl.

Myself: Exactly.

Me: How was it?

Myself: Lovely. Yesterday I saw a dead bird and today I saw dead bees.

Me: How many?

Myself: Three.

Me: Three too many.

Myself: Exactly.

Me: What does it mean?

Myself: I don't know but it makes me very nervous.

Me: As it should.

Myself: The only good bee is a live bee.

Me: And what are they doing on the beach?

Myself: Resting.

Me: Dying. They're dying. I've never seen three dying bees on the beach before.

Myself: Don't think about it. Just focus on your iPod. Don't think about bad things. Pretend the world is fine and ignore the bees.

Me: Good advice.

Myself: So what are you gonna do today?

Me: Have sex. See a movie.

Myself: That's what you did yesterday.

Me: I didn't see a movie.

Myself: What did you do?

Me: I don't recall. But it was a nice day.

Myself: Who did you have sex with?

Me: Don't ask. It wasn't good. For the last year I've been seeing...

Myself: Blowing...

Me: Something like that. Anyway, I've been blowing this surfer. Big dick. He always comes over before he surfs. Very nice guy but I've never been to his place before so last night he calls me at 2 am and invites me over. So I go...total straight boy-surfer apt...surfboards in the living room and all that...I go upstairs, he's waiting in bed and he can't get hard...he seemed a little drunk...he said he went to a concert in San Diego earlier. Then after 30 minutes he says, "do you ever do coke?"

Myself: Ugh.

Me: Disgusting.

Myself: Tell me. So gross. Coke? What is it 1980? Grow up people.

Me: So now I just want to leave. I have no patience for drugs of any kind. Even poppers turn me off.

Myself: What are poppers.

Me: Google it.

Myself: So what happened next.

Me: More grossness involving a toy and lube and he was smoking cigarettes, a big piece of ash fell on his chest...his perfect chest...but it was a bad scene.

Me: So he wanted a toy in his ass?

Myself: The whole thing was just not good. And I've seen him for a year. Very cool guy. I thought I knew him. I'm not surprised actually. A surfer who does coke, big shocker, right? But the next time he calls me at 2 AM I won't be going over.

Me: I just really wanted to hear about your jog.

Myself: Walk.

Me: Walk. I'm glad you're walking.

Myself: I figure the least I can do is take a brisk, 30 minute, 2 mile walk once a day, don't you think. I'm stuck at 270. I haven't lost weight in two months.

Me: Have you tried?

Myself: No. People keep coming to visit me. It's hard to eat right and exercise with guests here. So no more guests.

Me: Not for a while!

Myself: So what do you have planned this weekend?

Me: Movies, sex, Wal-Mart. What about you?

Myself: Same.

Me: Cool, have fun.

Myself: You, too. Be safe.

Me: Always! Ciao.

Gemini Update

I'm still sitting here in this dirty porno theatre...answering e-
mail, text- messaging... Reading the drudge report..."rosie blabbed,
sarkozy gives speech"....a guy reaches for my dick... Not
interested... I'd rather read Drudge... Here comes another text
message...... "poker night is cancelled"

Wow! This could by my new office: Gemini Bookstore! I love you, iPhone!

And the world continues to change and change... Porn and technology
and sex and communication continue to merge into one seemless
experience.

What's next?

Gemini Books Pic

Gemini Books in San Diego

Porn theatre report:

I'm coming to you live and unedited from Gemini books in San Diego.
It's the last porn theatre for me to visit in
San Diego . I have now seem them all. This is by far the dirtiest!
There are 6 people here... Oh wait... Seven now... An older queenie
guy...an andrew sullivan look alike doing poppers... A cute young
Mexican stud getting his duck sucked by a very very very old Mexican
man and a theres also a trucker looking type who took his dick out and
smiled at me. The lady in the porn movie is screaming very loudly
but other than it's pretty quiet in here. I just heard a zipper come
down. The theatre holds about 20 seats but theres lots of room to
walk around. I can hear someone having sex behind me but I'm too busy
typing to look. I hear lube and friction and now someone whispered.

I love porn theatres. They are my idea of a Zen Garden; relaxing,
quiet, mysterious. And all that for only 6 bucks! Someone is cumming
now and someone else is coming, I mean arriving!. The trucker is
leaving. The lady on screen is screaming again.

Now silence.

Friction.

Lube.

Footsteps.

Why is it called Gemini? Was it worth the drive from Oceanside?

I'll keep you posted!

Blogged from my iPhone!

Rendition

Ronnie: You're retarded.

Rendition: That's not nice.

Ronnie: You make no sense. What are you about it? I saw you with a friend. He loved you but afterwards when I started asking him questions he realized he didn't understand anything about you. You do this stupid thing where you tell two stories simultaneously but one is actually happening before the other. Why? To what end? You're an idiot. I'm sorry but you are. Just because you got Meryl Streep to be in you doesn't make you smart. What is your point? Rendition is bad? Torture is good, sometimes. Life is complex? I spend two hours with you and you say nothing and on top of that you don't entertain me? I hate you Rendition. I hate you!

Rendition: Does this mean you don't want to go out anymore.

Ronnie: Not with you! We're over. I'm sorry. Don't call me anymore! And if you see Reese, tell her I'm sick of her shit, too. She talks like a valley girl and it really gets on my nerves.

Rendition: Jeez, you're in a bad mood, today.

Ronnie: It's you. You bring out the worst in me. That's why I can't see you anymore. I'm sorry, but it's for the best. Please go now.

American Gangster

Ronnie: When the mother of the gangster is the most compelling character in the movie and she's only in 3 or 4 scenes then I think you have a problem. This movie is fine, seriously. But Ruby Dee steals every scene she's in and had this movie been about a mob boss and his naive-ferocious mother I think you would have had something truly original. The mother in this movie acts as a metaphor for America. She closes her eyes to crime as long as it benefits her but once her life gets negatively impacted she starts to ask questions. She's a complex and hypocritical character and she represents most of us. She should have been in every other scene. She's the moral center in a way.The scene where she confronts Denzel is by far the best, most complex, saddest scene in the film. One could argue that she is the real American Gangster because she knows she lives in a corrupt world but keeps her mouth shut until it's too late. Denzel and Russell are both fine and unsurprising. We've seen these performances before. But Ruby Dee's scenes are so rich they make the rest of the movie seem flat in comparison.

Ruby Dee: Well, I don't agree but that sure is a nice thing for you to say, young man.

Ronnie: Actually, I'm 38.

Ruby Dee: Oh.

Gone Baby Gone

Ronnie: Ms. Monaghan, you are so sexy. I'm gay but you're incredibly sexy and charismatic. I fell in love with you in Mission Impossible 3 and I even liked you in the Heartbreak Kid. Please make lots more movies.

Michelle: Did you like Gone Baby Gone?

Ronnie: I liked it very much. I didn't love it but it was better than Saw 4. I'm not sure I really buy the story though. Here's the problem. It's a plot-driven movie, do you agree?

Michelle: Maybe.

Ronnie: Well I would say most of it's appeal derives from it's complex story but if one starts to not believe in that story, even if the actors are great, then the movie has a problem and I started not buying it. I enjoyed it. I liked it. But I stopped believing. And I really didn't buy the actions of the "villain" in the last scene. I just don't believe he'd do what he did. I can't say more without giving away the ending but I swear I did enjoy the movie and I really liked the actors. I loved the unsympathetic mother in the movie. It's rare to see a movie about an unsympathetic woman who loses a child. Most women who lose babies in movies are saints. But back to you, Michelle. you sure are sexy.

Michelle: Thank you. What's your name again?

Ronnie: I told you already.

Michelle: Robby?

Saw 4

Ronnie: Ok, Saw People, correct me if I'm wrong. You guys basically just sit around making shit up without any concern about logic or continuity or anything like that, right? You're basic idea is to keep the audience so confused that after a while they just give up and wait for someone to get mutilated, is that it? I guess on some level I admire your ambition. Plots are noble goals but I actually like a plot I can follow with actors I can tell apart. I literally have no idea what happened in your movie so one of us must be an idiot cause it doesn't seem like it should be that much work. The first Saw was a very simple story. The next one got a little more complicated but now it seems you guys have no idea what you're doing but you enjoy doing it anyway. Am I close at all or do you totally disagree?

Saw People: No, you're right. But wasn't it cool when the guys head got smashed with blocks of ice and the sleazy guy got his eyes poked out. Did you like that part?

Ronnie: Do you even care that I'm a fairly intelligent person and I can't follow your fucking movie??? Are you fucking listening??????? Hello? I know you've already begun filming Saw 5 but I'm just asking for a little logic here. Just a little.

Saw People: But wasn't the opening shot cool when the guy got his brains pulled out? Did you love that? Were you scared?

Ronnie: Forget it.

We Own the Night

Ronnie: I like you, Jaoquin. You own the night! I wish I owned the night. All I own is a Honda Accord with 300,000 miles on it. Owning the night must be the shit, dawg!

Jaoquin: Who the fuck are you?

Ronnie: I'm Ronnie. I saw your movie. I liked it. I wanted you to know that.

Jaoquin: Thanks.

Ronnie: I didn't love it but I liked it. And I like you a lot. I always enjoy watching you act. I find you to be very interesting and alive. I thought you were the best thing in Gladiator. My friend always pronounces it GLADE-eeator.

Jaoquin: That's nice but I gotta run.

Ronnie: Wait, I wanted to tell you that my favorite part of the film was the car chase in the rain. It was very intense.

Jaoquin: Thanks buddy. Gotta go.

Ronnie: Where are you going?

Jaoquin: Why would I tell you that?

Ronnie: I thought maybe we could be friends.

Jaoquin: I'll pass on that. But thanks for going to my movies. The fans are everything, blah blah, blah. See ya!

For the LOVE of Goldfish!

Me: People like your Goldfish movie!

Ronnie: That's nice, huh? I get more fan mail for my Goldfish movie than I do for my gay sex comedies. Maybe I should focus only on Goldfish movies from now on. What do you think?

Me: How 'bout a gay sex comedy starring Goldfish.

Ronnie: How come we keep capitalizing the word Goldfish?

Me: I'm not sure!

Click here to watch the Goldfish movie:

Quicktime: http://ronnielarsen.com/aavideo/goldfishmovietheater.htm

Windows: http://ronnielarsen.com/aavideo/windowsmedia/A%20Goldfish%20Mourns.wmv

_____________

Hi, I just watched this video all the way through with tears in my eyes. I didn't know that Goldfish would mourn for each other, although I should know better. Whales, dolphins and any animal, mammal or not, can form an attachment to another - even a different species - so mourning it's loss would be a natural thing, in my opinion.
However, your video captures the sadness that is just radiating from the big Goldfish, it's absolutely heart breaking to watch.
I had a small dog that wept actual tears when his companion of 8 years died and was inconsolable (crying, not eating, not wanting to go out, etc.) for weeks until I finally broke down and got him a new companion. It was funny, however, that even with a new puppy in the house, he continued to mourn for the rest of his life (he died at age 16) for his first companion and would pick up his ears whenever I said her name, poor little guy.
But yes, all species have the ability to mourn, feel sad, get lonely, be happy and get excited - just like we do.
Your video was absolutely fantastic. To capture something like this on tape is wonderful even if it is heartbreaking.
How is the big one doing now?
Take care.
Peace,
Lynn

Five

Ronnie: Are you okay?

Man: I just always feel a little guilty after sex.

Ronnie: Oh.

Man: It's fine

Ronnie: You sure.

Man: Yep. This is pretty new for me. I guess you'd say I'm bi-curious.

Ronnie: How long you been doing it?

Man: Since I was 14.

Ronnie: And how old are you?

Man: 52.

Ronnie: Hmmmm. I wouldn't call you bi-curious I'd call you bi-experienced.

Man: I don't know what I am. I'm horny. What are you?

Ronnie: I'm gay.

Man: But do you ever go with women?

Ronnie: Not if I can help it.

Man: It's not your thing?

Ronnie: It's not my thing. But even if I fucked a 100 women I'd still call myself gay. I think we are what we say we are.

Man: Well, I'd rather fuck a pussy but I'll go with a guy.

Ronnie: So you're not attracted to guys? Like when you're at Wal-Mart you don't look at guys and say, "Oh, he's hot."

Man: Nope, never, I look at women. But I like being with guys. So...there ya go. I don't know.

Ronnie: Does your wife blow you?

Man: Once a week. Friday night. We sleep in separate rooms. She comes in once a week and blows me. That's it.

Ronnie: Do you have kids?

Man: Five.

Ronnie: Five?

Man: Five.

Ronnie: Wow, that's a lot. Are they good kids?

Man: Four are.

Ronnie: What about the fifth?

Man: Long story.

The Thing About Cake

Person: Why did you put this cake pic on your blog? It's very Marie Antoinette!

Ronnie: I meant to e-mail it to my gmail account but I sent to my blog instead but since I did send it to my blog I'd like to explain. I met a lady at a neighborhood BBQ. We talked for 10 minutes maybe. Very nice person. The next day, she knocks on the door and delivers this piece of cake to me! She barely knows me. And stuff like this happens to me in Oceanside all the time. I come home and there's a case of diet coke on my porch or my neighbor takes my car keys to move my car to avoid street-sweeping tickets. These kinds of things never happened to me in LA in NY. No neighbor ever knocked on my door to remind me to move my car. I never came home to gifts on my porch. It's all very interesting. At least to me.

A Great Vice President

Ronnie: Tough week, huh, Barack?

Obama: Not that bad.

Ronnie: Don't spin me. You held hands with a homophobic-nut-job preacher and lost a lot of gay support by doing so. Was that really wise?

Obama: I don't have to answer to you. I'm the future. I'm hope! I'm change. You need to trust me.

Ronnie: I don't think you're ready to be President. I said it a year ago and I stand by it. I'm sticking with Hillary. I want Bill back in the White House and this is the closest I'm ever gonna get, however, I think you'd make an absolutely lovely Vice President.

Obama: But I wanna be President.

Ronnie: 8 years as VP with Hillary then you'll be ready to be President, assuming, of course, you guys don't fuck it up. How's that for a plan?

Obama: Honestly? I'm a very busy man. I find you very condescending and I don't wish to continue this conversation. Take care, buddy.

And as quickly as he arrived, POOF, he was gone!

That Darn Cat!

Ronnie: Why do you hiss at me?

Cat: I want food.

Ronnie: You could be nice.

Cat: I hiss, you give me food. It's been working fine for over a year.

Ronnie: I need more. I want to touch you. I need you to touch me.

Cat: Well that's not what I want.

Ronnie: Then buy your own food.

Cat: Don't be a hater.

Ronnie: The other cats let me pet 'em!

Cat: They're basically sluts.

Ronnie: They love me.

Cat: They don't love you, they use you! You should hear what they say about you behind your back.

Ronnie: What do they say?

Cat: They call you faggot.

Ronnie: No they don't.

Cat: Fine, they don't.

Ronnie: Which one calls me faggot? The black one?

Cat: All of them. They all say, "Let's go to the faggots house for free food."

Ronnie: I don't believe you.

Cat: A true friend is one who tells you the truth, whether it's pretty or not!

Ronnie: Are you a cat or a fortune cookie?

Cat: I'm a little of both. That is my gift and my curse.

Ronnie: What the fuck does that mean?

Elizabeth, The Golden Age

Ronnie: Cate, thank you for coming to Oceanside for this brief interview.

Cate: My pleasure. It really is a lovely town.

Ronnie: Why thank you.

Cate: It's quite nice. So many strapping Marines!

Ronnie: So about your movie...

Cate: Elizabeth...

Ronnie: Yes, Elizabeth. The costumes are stunning.

Cate: Thank you.

Ronnie: Truly stunning. I loved looking at your movie. I would have loved it even with the sound off. I could have just put on my iPod and listened to the "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert", and been perfectly content.

Cate: But what did you think of the script.

Ronnie: Well it's very Cliff Notesy don't you think?

Cate: I don't know, I don't read Cliff Notes.

Ronnie: You should, they're quite useful. I quite enjoy them. So, it's not a criticism and to be fair I wouldn't know how to write a screenplay that clearly communicates the complexity of that time period and still be clear. And I felt like I learned a lot but I also felt like I was being given the tip of the iceberg. I left wanting to know more about Queen Elizabeth, which is always good thing. And as far as pure entertainment, it works brilliantly, I was completely entertained and I may even see it again. So all in all it was a totally satisfying experience.

Cate: Thank you, I think.

Ronnie: But let's be frank, shall we?

Cate: Absolutely.

Ronnie: Samantha Morton is the real deal, don't you think? A truly other-worldly actress. No one can deny your incredible talent, Cate, but Samantha is in her own universe. It was only when she was on screen that I was truly swept away. I liked all of your choices but with you I'm always aware of the talent, but with Samantha, I find myself transported and confused and awed. She simply acts on more levels than you. If you act on 3 levels she acts on 5. She's like a Judi Dench, there's just so much going on all the time. She even sort of looks like Judi Dench. Did you see Minority Report?

Cate: I loved it.

Ronnie: It's really Samantha's movie, but Tom Cruise and Spielberg got all the credit. So I think it's time to start giving some of your roles to Samantha. That's really why I brought you here. You have all the work you need but it's time for Samantha to move to center stage. She's the best thing in Elizabeth and she's only on screen for like a total of 10 minutes. It's not right. Or you should produce a movie called Mary Queen of Scots and let her star in it. What do you think about all this?

Cate: Umm...I'm not sure.

Ronnie: Well thank you so much for coming to Oceanside and sitting down with me.

Cate: Thank you, it was lovely!

Happy Halloween from your friends at Wal-Mart!