Greetings from Syracuse

Friend: What did you do today?

Syracuse: Left some nasty comments on Ronnie Larsen's idiotic, typo-ridden, self-absorbed blog.

Friend: Who's Ronnie Larsen?

Syracuse: A big fat nobody. A total loser-asshole.

Friend: So why do you read his blog?

Syracuse: Because he's a total fucking loser.

Friend: How often do you read it?

Syracuse: Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.

Friend: Blogs are stupid.

Syracuse. Totally. And his is the worst. Super boring. Mostly pathetic shit about sex and movies. And he complains about stupid shit and makes pointless movies and dresses in drag. He's a real douchebag. A real loser. Nobody likes him.

Friend: Sounds boring.

Syracuse: Super boring. Sometimes I leave comments telling him he's a total loser and to get a life.

Friend: Why do you want him to get a life?

Syracuse: Cause I do.

Friend: Why do you care? Dude, we live in Syracuse. Don't you read Wikipedia? Check this out:

"The City of Syracuse maintains over 170 parks, fields, and recreation areas, totaling over 1000 acres. Burnet Park includes the first public golf course in the United States (1901) and Rosamond Gifford Zoo. There are 12 public pools, two public ice rinks, and two public nine-hole golf courses in the city."

Friend: Why spend your time commenting on his stupid blog. Let's go to the Rosamond Gifford Zoo. Let's go ice-skating. Let's golf! Life is too short to focus on assholes.

Sryacuse: Man, you're right. What a fool I've been. Life is short. Plus he just deletes my comments anyway, so what's the point, really? Except that now he knows someone in Syracuse, on a Mac, browsing with Safari, using Roadrunner, with the IP address 74.79.165.#, really hates him! As long as he knows that, I'm happy.

Friend: I think he knows that.

Syracuse: Cool.

That Darn Cat!

Ronnie: Why do you hiss at me?

Cat: I want food.

Ronnie: You could be nice.

Cat: I hiss, you give me food. It's been working fine for over a year.

Ronnie: I need more. I want to touch you. I need you to touch me.

Cat: Well that's not what I want.

Ronnie: Then buy your own food.

Cat: Don't be a hater.

Ronnie: The other cats let me pet 'em!

Cat: They're basically sluts.

Ronnie: They love me.

Cat: They don't love you, they use you! You should hear what they say about you behind your back.

Ronnie: What do they say?

Cat: They call you faggot.

Ronnie: No they don't.

Cat: Fine, they don't.

Ronnie: Which one calls me faggot? The black one?

Cat: All of them. They all say, "Let's go to the faggots house for free food."

Ronnie: I don't believe you.

Cat: A true friend is one who tells you the truth, whether it's pretty or not!

Ronnie: Are you a cat or a fortune cookie?

Cat: I'm a little of both. That is my gift and my curse.

Ronnie: What the fuck does that mean?

Video Blog: Bible Camp

Fantastic 4

Q. The end of the world is near so what do the Fantastic 4 do for the first half the movie???

A: Plan a wedding.
B: Complain about how hard it is being a superhero.
C: Go dancing.
D: Try to get laid.
E: Bicker with each other.
F: Bicker with the military.
G: Watch themselves on Access Hollywood.
I: All of the above.

Ironically, the answer is I, all of the above.

Ironic because "I" is really all the Craptastic 4 care about: themselves!

In this piece of shit film, the Fantastic 4 are written and acted as completely self-centered, shallow, idiots! Who decided it was wise to let superheroes act like assholes for large chunks of their movies? First, we were subjected to Spiderman shopping for hip clothes and showing off and now we have the Fantastic 4 where a hero doesn't want to fight crime because he's wearing Dolce and Gabana. I'm not making this shit up.

Chris Evans is unbelievably HOT and that is ALL this movie has going for! What a total pile of shit! And yes, Virginia, sadly enough, there will be another Fantastic 4 sequel. Pray they hire Christopher Nolan next time!

Gimme A Break!

I'm surprised this isn't a bestseller in Los Angeles and New York considering how many dummies, uh, I mean, actors there are in those cities. I just bought 100 copies for a few of my closest acquaintances.

"Thank you, have a nice day!"

I think I'm alone. It's late at night. The gym is almost empty. I think my secret will be safe. I fart a horribly smelling fart right in front of my locker. God, it stinks. Two young jocks start walking toward my area. They walk right past me, right through my fart. Their lockers are next to mine. I'm mortified. I grab my backpack quickly and head out. As I'm leaving the area I hear one of them mutter behind me, "Thank you, have a nice day!"

Scary Man

This dude seriously scares me. I mean that in a very real way. When I look at him I see a devil. He is the freakiest and most frightening Middle-Eastern leader I have ever seen. He freaks me out more than Osama and Saddam combined. I hope to read, someday soon, that he is no longer with us.

Loser of the Week

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said but this whole situation is frightening and disgusting. I feel sorry for EVERYONE involved except Nifong. I hope Nifong becomes a lesson to prosecutors nationwide. Don't rush to judgement, motherfuckers! Remember, you need a little thing called EVIDENCE!

Don Imus is sooooo boring.

Imus says racist and homophobic things all the time. He doesn't offend me because I'm not offended by mumbling old geezers. I am, however, offended by MSNBC for suspending him; they should either fire him or leave him alone. Giving him a two week vacation/suspension is silly and condescending. CBS should just come out and say the truth, "Imus is an asshole but he makes us a lot of money and even though we don't really like him we love the money he makes us so if you don't like his hateful comments get over it or change the fucking channel but we ain't gonna fire him til we find something more lucrative to replace him with. So there!"

Act Your Age

Note: I wrote this blog last year on April 13th at 8:17 PM. I'm not sure why I never published it but I'm doing lots of spring cleaning so I'm publishing it now. I have about 20 unpublished blog entries I'm gonna either delete or publish this week.


In college when I was 20 years old I had two serious relationships with two older men. When I say older I mean one was over twice my age (CM) and another was 30 years older (a puppeteer...how ironic). I had a great time with both men and they both taught me lots and they both wanted long term committments. One even quit his job to build a life with me. Oh Lord!

I lost interest in both of these relationships and I drifted away. I never really ended them I just sort of disappeared. That's how I remember it. Both men told me I had hurt them and one even said to me, "Wow, I really thought you were mature but now you're really showing your age." Ouch. I've never forgotten that.

For many years I carried guilt about the way those relationships ended and then about three months ago I had a major revelation:

50 year olds who date 20 year olds and then get hurt when the 20 year old moves on are total fucking idiots. What kind of person is a 40 year old who wants to date a 20 year old??? Honestly! If you're dating a 20 year old and you're 25 years older and you put expectations on that person, you need to have your head examined.

I can not believe I carried that guilt for all these years. I actually think I'm owed an apology.

Letting go of guilt is a wonderful thing.

If the two men who "I hurt" happen to stumble upon this blog, feel free to e-mail me an apology. And if any of you reading this are over 40 and obsessed with someone half your age, I beg you to let go and/or get help. And Lord, I beg you, don't ever let me fall in love with someone 20 years younger than myself.

Lily Tomlin vs David O. Russell

This clip is insane. I can't believe it! Oh wait. I can believe it. I've lived it. If any of you really want to understand the collaborative process in theatre and film, here it is. This shit goes on every fucking day. This is the stuff they never show on those stupid "making of" shows but this is truer to the reality of how "entertainment" gets made. And if Lily had won the Oscar she would have stood up there and thanked her brilliant director for "pushing her so hard." And if David had won he would have thanked the "tireless" Lily Tomlin for putting up with him. The next time you see and actor director saying "how much they loved working together" just think of this clip. And this my friends is why I've been on hiatus for a year and half because life is simply too short to spend your days trapped in rehearsals arguing with people. Peace!

Dear Fox News,

Today was a new low, even for you. I click on the Drudge Report and in bright red letters it declares "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Libby Scooter found guilty. Libby found guilty on all but one of the counts." So I click on Fox News hoping to see that Cheney is resigning and the first words I see on the screen are "Scooter Libby found not guilty of lying to FBI." What the fuck??? You guys then continued to keep the words on the screen for the next two minutes. How bout just putting up the words,"Scooter Libby found guilty on four counts." Don't ya think most viewers would assume that he was found not guilty on one of the counts. Sometimes you guys make it extremely hard to defend you.

Ronnie

Jesus Camp

I don't really love watching movies at home because I wind up paying only half attention unless the film is riveting throughout. Jesus Camp, an amazing documentary about the evangelical movement and it's focus on children is absolutely riveting throughout. Part horror film, part black comedy the people in this movie are disturbed and the filmmakers let them hang themselves with their absurd perspectives and theatrics. In one disturbing scene, a mother, homeschooling her son warns him of evil public school where, "they actually believe the earth is more than 6,000 years old." About 20 times during this film I said, out loud, "Oh my, GOD! There are even scenes with gay (now ex-gay, lol) preacher, Ted Haggard, preaching to a huge congregation before his drug-filled sex life caused him to resign from the church in disgrace. After the sermon the young boys approach him the conversation is fucking creepy! This film is so damned delicious, I can not reccomend it highly enough. I beg you to watch it. Jesus Camp!

Click here to read interesting stuff about the film.

Baby Alert!

I bought this storage tub from Wal-Mart with the worlds most ridiculous warning label: "Don't put your baby in the tub and put the lid on." When I see things like that I feel like a fucking genius living in the United States of Dumbville.

Bye Bye Baiji

If this story doesn't totally depress you then I fear you may not be human:

"From AP via China Environmental News Digest:

A rare, nearly blind white dolphin that survived for millions of years is effectively extinct, an international expedition declared after ending a fruitless six-week search of the mammal's Yangtze River habitat.

The baiji would be the first large aquatic mammal driven to extinction since hunting and overfishing killed off the Caribbean monk seal in the 1950s. For the baiji, the culprit was a degraded habitat -- busy ship traffic, which confounds the sonar the dolphin uses to find food, and overfishing and pollution in the Yangtze, the expedition said on Wednesday."

Happy New Year indeed!

Flying Cell Phones!

2 way streeet.

I'm in the right lane going south.

They're in the left lane going north.

They abruptly stop. I see an arm reach out of the drivers side window and hurl a cell phone to the street. It shatters. An older, docile, white woman gets out of the passenger side and slowly, very slowly, walks toward the shattered pieces.

The driver jumps out, runs to the pieces, picks some up, throws them down again with a tremendous force into the gutter while shouting, "I hate cell phones!!!!!!!!"

I was stunned. I live for freak shows! I love watching people more insane than myself. It lulls me into believing I'm not as insane as others.

They get back in the car. I pull up next to them. I can't help but stare. He looks straight at me. I stop. I'm worried about the white woman. I'm afraid of the crazy man but more than that I fear for the woman.

I say,

Me: Everything ok?

Him: I hate cell phones.

Me: But are you guys, ok?

Him: Oh yeah, we're fine. I just hate cell phones.

Me: Is she okay?

(She doesn't respond)

Him: Oh yeah, she's okay.

Me: Okay.

I know she's not ok. I understand his rage at the machines. I fear for the woman as we both drive away in opposite directions.

Random Thoughts #3

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Anyone who says there's NOTHING good on TV doesn't watch Charlie Rose, Real Time With Bill Maher, Meet the Press, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and yes I'm gonna say it, The O'Reilly Factor. TV has never been better or more diverse.
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Just watched Rahm Emanuel on Charlie Rose. So smart and interesting. I just read his entry on Wikipedia. He's had a very full, interesting life. Heterosexual Ballet Dancer/Israeli Army Mechanic/Politician. He's missing half a finger, which I found kind of sexy watching him gesture.

To read about him
click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rahm_Emanuel

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Someone famous this week said, "Our troops in Iraq are being killed while George Bush has been vamping for time." A devastating thought. Though horrible, it's one thing for them to be killed fighting a fight the President believes in but the thought of them being killed while Bush
"vamps" for time is devastating. And the dismissal ofRumsfield just confirms that theory. What a tragic mess! I keep thinking of those parents who have lost their sons and daughters.

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I was appalled that in the middle of all the election coverage they kept breaking in to tell us Britney Spears has filed for divorce. On a side note, a defamation suit by Spears was thrown out cause the judge basically said, "you have the image of a slut so you're reputation can't be damaged worse than you've already damaged it."LOL I learned that in my own libel lawsuit with a certain porn star whose name I don't feel like typing right now. I learned you can't really damage the reputation of an alcoholic - drug addict - porn star - hooker. They have no reputation. There is no way to defame them. Therefore, there are no damages and therefore no lawsuit.
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My high school reunion is in 15 days. It is consuming my life. I'm organizing it but we have a great committee. Here's the website in case you want to attend.LOL

http://www.1986fhs.com/

We have quite a few gay alumni. This makes me happy.

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Borat is being sued. It was bound to happen. I'm seeing it again tonight and then I'll blog about it. I'm still thinking about it from the first viewing. There is a scene in aPentecostal church that is the single most disturbing scene I've seen in a movie all year.

Click here for the article. http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/09/borat-lawsuit-high-five

This will be a VERY INTERESTING lawsuit with fascinating ramifications for documentarians.
Speaking of documentaries, I'm dying to See Jesus Camp, but it's not playing in Oceanside and I don't like the theaters in San Diego.
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The Prestige has sparked lots of discussion. That's a major achievement. Most films come and go with as little discussion as "It sucked", "It was ok ", "I liked it". I'm hoping too see The Prestige again. I suspect it can only really be dissected with multiple viewings. I was driving home a few weeks ago and it hit me, "Ohhhh, that's why Bale talks about not knowing which knot he used." Then when I got home I noticed that reader, Bret Angel, had posted that comment on my blog. Bret, you are so wise, and quicker than I. I'm so glad you aren't a porn star I fired.

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I had sex with an ex-boyfriend in the back of his SUV. It was actually quite fun, uncomfortable and dangerous. Like being back in High School. I highlyrecommend it.

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Visited a bathhouse in San Diego this week. It was very interesting. More about that later.
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The "revival" of Lez Miserable on Broadway is getting mixed reviews but many feel the black actor, Norm Lewis, cast as the villain Javert should've been cast as the lead (Jean Val Jean) but they always cast the lead as a big, white, Teddy Bear-type and the producers lack imagination.
Interesting thought. It wasn't my thought but it's interesting non-the-less.
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Had a huge personal revelation this week while driving.

"People like you when you do what they
want you to do."

The more I think about it, the truer it feels.
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The Worst Parking Lot EVER

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the worst parking garage I've ever encountered, located in lovely San Diego. There is a pole next to EVERY car. And EVERY pole is scarred and scratched. Obviously , this was designed by some evil genius who loves poles and hates cars.

NYC Cam Phone: Sketch Me

"Sketch me, bitch, and my parents will give you 5 bucks!"

Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Barbra Streisand

I love horror movies. I see almost every single one. I rarely get scared or disturbed but when I do I feel I've gotten my money's worth.

I was greatly disturbed at Chainsaw Massacre, not because of the movie-making but because of the apathy it's recieved from the general public. Young people are brutally tortured, cannibalized and skinned alive. Cops are shot in the back and the bad guys win. This is a dark, dark film and yet America is silent. No one is talking about it. No one cares. Yet, when Janet Jackson flashes her breast or Barbra Streisand says 'Fuck you" on stage the national media goes into a tizzy.




I read a story recently about a woman indicted for obscenity crimes because on her website she writes stories about the torture of children? Who indicted her? Have those people ever been to a cineplex or a Broadway show? Last year one of the Tony nominees for best play was The Pillowman, a play about a guy who writes stories about the brutal killing of children. And don't most of our children read Hansel and Gretal in school? So why was that woman indicted?

Who is deciding what is "shocking" or "obscene" and why do some many follow suit?

Some days I'm a very confused American.