Five

Ronnie: Are you okay?

Man: I just always feel a little guilty after sex.

Ronnie: Oh.

Man: It's fine

Ronnie: You sure.

Man: Yep. This is pretty new for me. I guess you'd say I'm bi-curious.

Ronnie: How long you been doing it?

Man: Since I was 14.

Ronnie: And how old are you?

Man: 52.

Ronnie: Hmmmm. I wouldn't call you bi-curious I'd call you bi-experienced.

Man: I don't know what I am. I'm horny. What are you?

Ronnie: I'm gay.

Man: But do you ever go with women?

Ronnie: Not if I can help it.

Man: It's not your thing?

Ronnie: It's not my thing. But even if I fucked a 100 women I'd still call myself gay. I think we are what we say we are.

Man: Well, I'd rather fuck a pussy but I'll go with a guy.

Ronnie: So you're not attracted to guys? Like when you're at Wal-Mart you don't look at guys and say, "Oh, he's hot."

Man: Nope, never, I look at women. But I like being with guys. So...there ya go. I don't know.

Ronnie: Does your wife blow you?

Man: Once a week. Friday night. We sleep in separate rooms. She comes in once a week and blows me. That's it.

Ronnie: Do you have kids?

Man: Five.

Ronnie: Five?

Man: Five.

Ronnie: Wow, that's a lot. Are they good kids?

Man: Four are.

Ronnie: What about the fifth?

Man: Long story.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Me, Myself and Brad
a short play

Me: I thought it was slow.

Myself: It is slow but that's the beauty of it, it takes its own sweet time.

Me: I wanted some action though, some robbing or killing or something. There's basically one robbery in the whole frigging film'. It's not 310 to Yuma, that's for sure.

Myself: That's the point! It's not an action movie. Its a unique animal. I can honestly say I've never seen a film like it.

Me: What you've never seen a slow film before?

Myself: It's not fair to call it slow...slow implies boring. I was never bored, I was involved, I cared, I wanted to know what was gonna happen next. And I trusted it too....I trusted the history, I felt like I was seeing something accurate. I felt like I was learning about Jesse James and his life. You know what happened when I saw the film...the fucking power on the whole block blacked out so we all had to leave and I didn't get to see the last 30 minutes, the assassination part, I missed that part, so I knew I had to go back to see him get shot but I was worried that I wouldn't actually make it back to the theatre...you know, I'm very busy these days...

Me: Busy, busy.

Myself: Well anyway so tonight I went back...it's only playing one time a day, its a huge flop you know...huge flop....but I went back tonight and thank God I did because the last 30 minutes is like whole 'nother movie....what happens to Robert Ford after he shoots Jesse James is extremely intriguing, didn't you think so.

Me: I guess.

Myself: You guess?

Me: I was bored, I'm telling you, it's slow.

Myself: Cause you have no attention span. I actually went home and spent two hours reading about Jesse James on Wikipedia. It made me wanna know more. That's a good thing, don't you think?

Me: So why do you think it's such a huge flop?

Myself: I don't know but it really is.

Me: Huge.

Myself: Ginormous flop!

Me: But why?

Myself: Apathy. That's the new killer. Death by apathy. There's just too much to focus on nowadays. There's so much product. Who can consume it all so quickly? After a while, I just give up. I subscribed to Vanity Fair 12 months ago and I haven't read it once all year. Not once. They arrive, they collect dust. I just got a notice saying my subscription was up; should I renew it? Why bother? Who has time? Life's too short to read those endless articles. But back to Jesse James, no one cares about this film. Nobody's talking about it. And at least with flops like Bonfire of the Vanities people discussed them but this movie is invisible. Why is that? And Brad Pitt stars as Jesse James. How come people went to see Brad as Troy but not Brad as Jesse? I would argue that Pitt gives his best performance ever as Jesse James but no one cares.

Me: Troy was shit.

Myself: I liked it.

Me: Are you a Brad Pitt fan?

Myself: No, but I love Seven. I like Brad Pitt but I'm not a fanatic or anything. Did you ever see the naked pics of him on the Internet. They're very nice.

Me: Is he hung?

Myself: Google "Brad Pitt + Naked." They're nice pics. But anyway, Brad is great as Jessa James but the movie really belongs to Casey Affleck. He's perfect, really. So great, Oscar worthy and all that.

Me: I liked him in Gone Baby Gone, too.

Myself: Yeah, he's good in that but he's better in Jesse James. It's his beak-out year.

Me: Don't say that!

Myself: Say what?

Me: "Break-out year!" You sound like one of those assholes on Access Hollywood. "Casey Affleck is having a break-out year!" Don't say stupid shit like that.

Myself: Are you on your period?

Fencing

While browsing Home Depot yesterday, I thought of the play Fences by August Wilson. I've never forgotten this one line:

"Some people build fences to keep people out and other people build fences to keep people in."

Film vs Theater

Scott Rudin, I LOVE you!

While a Broadway show is in previews it's supposed to be hands-off from reviewers but the New York Times has a section that allows readers to write their own reviews. The brilliant Scott Rudin, who is unhappy about this, has decided to run quotes from the reader reviews in ads for his new show, The Year of Magical Thinking. He puts the quote out there with the tag line New York Times Online. Fucking brilliant, Mr. Rudin!!! The Times feels this is unethical and have asked him to stop running the ads. Rudin responds by telling them they can't have it both ways. And I agree, it's not right to for The NY Times to allow a show to be reviewed on their own website and then get upset when that review is quoted elsewhere. An amusing exchange of letters, which the NY Post printed today, is a thought-provoking debate about ethics, advertising, theater, and the word "review."

Check it out by clicking here.

I'm reprinting the article below. Hopefully, I won't get sued.

April 20, 2007 -- WAR has broken out between Broadway producer Scott Rudin and the New York Times. At issue is the advertising campaign for Rudin's show "The Year of Magical Thinking," starring Vanessa Redgrave.
While the play was still in previews, the Times, on its Web site, encouraged readers to "write a review." Rudin didn't think that was fair. So on March 30, the day the show opened, he turned the tables on the paper, quoting, in ads in the Times and the Post, a reader who said: "An evening of magical theater. Get yourself a ticket to the Booth Theatre." Rudin attributed the quote to "The New York Times Online." That's when the battle began.

Yvette Encarnacion, a lawyer for the Times, demanded Rudin pull the ads. Rudin fired off a response to her that, in turn, led to an exchange of letters between Rudin and Craig R. Whitney, an assistant managing editor in charge of "ethics and standards" at the paper.
(Boy, that place is top-heavy with administrators; no wonder its stock price is down.)
I obtained copies of their correspondence from a third party, who thought I might have some fun with it.

And so today I present excerpts from "Love Letters," starring Scott Rudin and Craig R. Whitney. Enjoy!

From Rudin's April 3 letter to Encarnacion:
I am at a loss to understand why you are questioning the sourcing of these quotes, since they are, in fact, directly taken from the New York Times Web site, and credited thus.

The Times obviously feels these reviews have substantive credibility - otherwise, clearly they wouldn't appear on the New York Times' Web site . . . despite the fact they come from a random selection of faceless amateurs whose only qualification to review a play is that they bought a ticket and have access to a computer.

By the way, you called . . . to ask us to stop quoting your Web site . . . in the New York Post. Are you not aware that this same quote actually ran last Friday in the Times? Is there any other possible conclusion at which to arrive other than the inevitable one: that even the people who work at the Times don't actually read it?

On April 4, Whitney replied:
We think that when you attribute a quote to "The New York Times Online" . . . readers are entitled to trust that the appraisal came from someone actually employed by the New York Times - not from a letter from a reader. The New York Times Online did not describe your play as "An evening of magical theater." A reader, not vouched for in any way by the New York Times, said that.

By the same principle - a principle we would call "honesty" - we have no objection to your ad quoting the New York Times saying "Vanessa Redgrave is arguably the greatest living actress of the English-speaking theater." A Times critic said that. Surely you see the distinction. Lots of things that are published in the Times . . . do not reflect the judgment of anyone at the paper. That is, not everything in the New York Times is of the New York Times.

And we have called the attention of our advertising department to the lapse that led to the publication of the reader quote without proper attribution in the ABC ads last Friday.

That, as you say, "lots of things are published in the Times that do not reflect the judgment of anyone at the paper" is radiantly clear to all of us who read it. . . .You refer to these online reviews as "letters from a reader." They are not letters from any reader. They are reviews. You - the paper - label them reviews. There is something deeply corrupt about the Times' professed offense at our using these reviews to sell a production of a play. If you continue to run them, you can expect to continue to see them in our advertising. In fact, if you look at today's ABC listings in the New York Times, you will see the quote running once again, despite whatever instructions you gave to the advertising department.

On April 12, Whitney wrote:
I repeat, it is not only wrong but dishonest for you, in advertisements like the one that slipped through in the ABCs again yesterday, to quote from readers' reviews as "The New York Times Online." . . . We intend to continue to resist your attempts to mislabel them as ours in the New York Times. I will try to respond as quickly as possible to the pre-opening issue you raise. . . .

Later that afternoon, Rudin sent, by hand, the following:
When the Times stops running Readers' Reviews on its Web site, I'll stop using them in advertising. You can look forward to seeing them anywhere and everywhere until then. If the paper desires to engage with me in a First Amendment dispute, be my guest.

Yesterday, Rudin wrote to Whitney one last time:
You wrote me promising a response regarding the use about which we have been corresponding. To date, I have heard nothing from you. While it's nice to receive lectures about ethics from the paper that brought us Judy Miller, Jayson Blair and the Duke lacrosse team, it's not really what I was looking for. I'm still waiting for that response.

I am, too, Mr. Whitney. And when you get around to writing it, will you cc me, please? Let's keep the debate going!
________________

Deuce

The knives are out for Angela Lansbury's return to Broadway. Super-successful playwright, Terrence McNally, who once sent me a postcard and who I greatly admire for being so prolific, has a new play called Deuce about two aging Tennis stars. I won't be seeing it cause I'm not in New York right now and also because, well, I hate going to plays. I do, however, read the theatre message boards and the New York theatre chatters are being ruthless. The play is only in previews but that hasn't stopped people from tearing the whole enterprise to shreds. I've never seen all the "chatters" so aligned and I've never seen such unanimous brutality aimed at one play.

Here's a collection of the brutality:

"There are serious talks going on about closing Deuce before opening night. Everyone backstage knows the play's a dud and Angela doesn't want to go out with a flop. It's been suggested the show close in order to take time off for major rewrites then open again in the fall. However, I doubt the show will ever open." Posted by twsct
___

It is an awful play. It's not a play. You wait and wait and there's nothing there-no big revelation--no subtext--no secrets--no conflict...no payoff for spending 100 minutes with characters you don't give a hoot about. A testament to Ms. Seldes and Ms. Lansbury is that I was still paying attention. The woman next to me paid a lot of money for a nap. I wasn't concerned about them not knowing lines, more that they were forced to say those lines." Posted by Skrigs
___

"To the Producers of Deuce:

If you are reading this board (which you should be), please close this show as soon as possible. It would be a great embarrassment to you, your supremely talented cast, your playwright and all others involved to let this play be ravaged by critics. I've seen a wealth of plays in my day and have never seen a play that has amounted to less that what is currently on stage at the Music Box Theater. In the grand tradition of Broadway, let this play be one that the few who had the chance to see only really know how bad it was, while others speculate, bring to legendary status and long for a revival in a decade or more.

Sincerely,
Your Friend" Posted by Pocket
_____

It really makes one nostalgic for producing plays in the pre-internet era. Have a good Saturday night! Posted by Ronnie

Lily Tomlin vs David O. Russell

This clip is insane. I can't believe it! Oh wait. I can believe it. I've lived it. If any of you really want to understand the collaborative process in theatre and film, here it is. This shit goes on every fucking day. This is the stuff they never show on those stupid "making of" shows but this is truer to the reality of how "entertainment" gets made. And if Lily had won the Oscar she would have stood up there and thanked her brilliant director for "pushing her so hard." And if David had won he would have thanked the "tireless" Lily Tomlin for putting up with him. The next time you see and actor director saying "how much they loved working together" just think of this clip. And this my friends is why I've been on hiatus for a year and half because life is simply too short to spend your days trapped in rehearsals arguing with people. Peace!

Time for Typos

I've gotten flack from a few friends about my typos on this blog. They beg me to use spellcheck but for some reason spellchecking in blogger screws up my formatting. For a while, I was working with an editor on my early blogs and although he was amazing and always available I just wasn't comfortable with the formality of it.

ANYWAY...

I enjoyed this typo on the NY Times website (front page). It refers to Time Inc. laying people off so they can "focus on on the web"...the world wide web of TYPOS!


By the way, the proper spelling of website is Web site. But that just looks ridiculous. In my opinion, website should be one word and it should all be lower case. But what the fuck do I know?

Great writing!

The is the best short script I've seen in a long time. It's a commercial for Liberty Mutual.

A guy is trying to punch in the code to the burglar alarm system of his house. He stares for a while then calls off-screen to his wife:

Husband: What's the code?

Wife: It's our anniversary.

(She says it very matter-of-fact...it's clear she assumes he knows the date. He stares for a long time, afraid to punch in the wrong number. Finally, he punches in a series of numbers and the alarm goes off. The commercial ends.)

With two lines and a simple action we understand volumes about their relationship, their characters, marriage in general and we get a commentary on technology AND it's humorous! The limitations of a 30 second commercial forces writers to be disciplined and get to the point. I can learn much from that commercial.

It's Alive!!!!!

Every October I make a secret plan to drive around the country visiting Haunted Houses. I've never done it but maybe one year I will. Last night my friend Caryn and I went to the Del Mar "Scaregrounds" where they have three attractions: The Haunted Hayride, House of Horrors and Chamber Chills. Saturday night was the wrong night to go. Standing outside in line for hours was scarier than anything inside. And I got more chills looking down into the Port-a-Potty while taking a piss than I did in the actual Chamber of Chills. But while I was standing on line I was repeatedly struck by how well-behaved everyone was. There were lots of hot military guys with their ugly wives and girlfriends (more about that another time) so maybe the constant military presence keeps everyone in check but many times last night I pondered this question:

Are people in San Diego more civilized than people in LA? And how would it feel to live here full-time.

I've never lived anywhere full-time. I spend the most time in LA but over the last 15 years I've travelled extensively. But now, I'm falling in love with Oceanside. And not just for all the hot military men. There is a thrill to being around people who don't read the NY Times. There is no ambition in Oceanside. People here just like hanging out, going to the beach. I wonder if I moved here what would happen to me? Would I continue to work on my projects or would I be sucked away by the waves and become a big fat beach bum?

I do know this. For many years I wished my life away. Meaning I was always saying things like,"I can't wait for this show to close." "I can't wait for this rehearsal to be over." "I can't wait for this or that actor to leave." "I can't wait to get out of this city." "I can't wait for this flight to be over."

I call that "wishing your life away" and since I've taken a hiatus from working in the theatre I no longer have those feelings. I no longer wish my life away. Even standing in line last night at the House of Horrors was pleasurable in some strange way. To live life in the moment and enjoy each day is something I thought was unattainable but it's finally happening. It's been happening for most of this year.

I've dreamed about having a life that wasn't scheduled. A life where everyday is a mystery. I wake up everyday now with no clue how I will spend my day? Will I work on a script, go to the beach, shoot a short film, e-mail my friends, talk on the phone, cruise for sex, see a movie. Every day is a big fat question mark.

I intended to write about Haunted Houses but I seemed to go in a different direction but maybe not, because if you think about it, Haunted Houses are a perfect metaphor for life. You go in, it's dark, you try to find your way, things jump out at you, you run away, you laugh, you hold on to a partner, slimey things touch you but you enjoy it, it's dark again, now it's lighter, now it's really bright, now it's pitch black. Haunted Houses are one big mystery and as scary as they are you never really want them to end because the mystery is so damned exciting. And maybe that's why I love Haunted Houses so much because they remind me of how I want to live my life, how I want to feel each day; scared, excited and ALIVE. It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday, was my birthday. I'm not a nostalgic person when it comes to dates, in fact, I only remember two that concern me. The day I was born, Feb. 14, 1969 and the day I was born again, August, 4 1994.

August 4, 1994 was the premiere of my first play: Scenes From My Love Life. For better or for worse, my life changed that night. If you're interested in the details around that event you can click here and listen to me discuss it while I was driving to Palm Springs last year.

http://www.ronnielarsen.com/audio/RLAudio%20Scenes%20From%20My%20Love%20Life%20etc..mp3


Anyway, I never wanted to be a playwright, it wasn't my dream growing up. But while in SF I wrote a little play about my sex life and it got rave reviews and made a litle money and because of that experience I continued writing plays exclusively for the next 10 years.

Not all plays work on opening night, in fact, most of the time most don't, but on that night, in that theater, with the cast and that script, things worked and my life as a playwright began.

I often wonder what I would have done had the played failed miserably. Would I have written more plays? I certainly wouldn't have met some of the people that positively impacted my future projects. So for me, everything changed on that night. And every year I always think about August 4th, 1994 and the actors and my producer and the theater and my friend who came to rehearsals and promised me that they play would would work. It's the only date, besides my birthday that I ever remember. And it's the only cast I ever worked with that I feel completely nostalgic about.

Scenes From My Love Life
Original Cast
Theater Rhino, Studio

ISAAC......Bixby Elliott
CHRIS......Christian Canterbury
STEVE......Mitch Ellis
RICHARD....Patrick O'Connor
MIKE.......Drue Macintosh
BILL.......Eric Womack
LARRY......Michael Cronin
ALLEN......Frank Willey
GENE.......Neal Shorstein


Producer: Caryn Horwitz
Supportive Friend: Barry Horwitz

The play never worked as well as it did that first month in that theater with that cast in San Francisco on August 4th, 1994 and I never enjoyed working in the theater as much as I did for that one month with those people in that 54 seat theater.

Click to read more about the play.

News : Phoenix has closed! Thank God

It was a wretched production managed by some truly wretched people. It was a month of lies. Customers were lied to, actors were lied to. I washed my hands after the first week. I told them to close it but no one listens to me. I told them it would be a horrible month for all involved (including the audience) but they ignored me and soldiered on like fools. It ended with one actor having to go to the the hospital and two other actors having a pushing match at a local bar. Ugh. Life is too short for such bullshit! I met so many awesome people in Phoenix and I apologize to you all for this shitty show. Everyone I talked to said, "We really liked your show." And I said, "No you didn't. The show is awful." And they'd say, "well the acting wasn't very good but we had a good time." Even actors in the show were calling me to complain about other actors in the show and all the horrible ad-libbing that was going on. God, I'm glad it's over. On to Vegas! Things can only get better.

News: Trouble in Phoenix

The production of Making Porn continues in Phoenix, Arizona even though on Sunday the cops were called in. It was all sooooo silly. Joe Marshall, who runs the theatre, has this psycho (allegedly, LOL) assistant producer who had gone AWOL from the production and then resurfaced suddenly when it came time to cut checks. He tried to pull a fast one dealing with a contractual issue and he get caught in some obvious lies so I decide I will only deal with him if the conversation is recorded...

So I whip out my laptop and start recording and he tells me I'm breaking the law. He says if I don't stop he will call the cops and have me arrested. Oy vey! Now I personally love cops and think they are very hot so I encouraged him to do it. I knew I was in my right to record him but who can turn down a little time in the back of squad car. Not me! So he calls the cops and guess what happens...NOTHING. They show up, looking so hot and they tell me I can record them if I want. I love cops. In fact COPS is one of my favorite tv shows.

Meanwhile the clock is ticking away and the audience is arriving...such drama...if you want to hear more check the live audio in a few days...I might do a little podcast about it. It was all very insane. I believe this was the third time I've had the cops called to a production. But I've never been arrested...YET! LOL

Phoenix! Phoenix! Phoenix!

god i love phoenix...i'm not kissing phoenix's ass but i really do love it...for one thing they have the greatest collection of dirty bookstores in the entire country. Zorbas in Scottsdale is this amazing store with booths with little windows where you can see other customers jacking off...its very hot indeed...and the food in phoenix...i'm not saying the food is good or bad but i am saying there is plenty of it 24 hours a day...there are drive thrus, buffets and a circle K on every corner! And the parking...oh lord i love the parking! Soooooooooo much parking! No meters....just seas and seas of open parking lots! after spending a month in San francisco driving around looking for parking spots and getting 40 dollar parking tickets three days in a row...well trust me when i say i appreciate those phoenix parking lots.

And the people are fucking nice too....no attitude, no bullshit....the people are very down-to-earth...it's too hot in phoenix for bullshit....no one has any energy for it...you can't be pretentious when your sweating in 115 degree weather!

so i'm very disapointed i won't be spending the month of october acting in my play 10 Naked Men for the alternative theatre company. i was very excited about spending a month in a city i worship. and believe me i've spent a lot of time touring in cities i did not worship...can you spell DETROIT! I spent 4 weeks in detroit doing 10 naked men. oh lord! more about that another time. though i did have my first white castle burger in detroit so i guess it wasn't a total wash...and the audiences were very, very appreciative...they laughed like they had never seen a gay naked comedy before...well come to think of it, they probably hadn't.

but ANYWAY.............

SO INSTEAD OF DOING 10 NAKED MEN WE'RE DOING MAKING PORN INSTEAD

Matthew Rush is still coming to town and I'll be there all week directing and driving everybody crazy but after that I have to go. i can't spend the month in phoenix due to some things that have come up in my personal life but phoenix will have the thrill of Matthew Rush in Making Porn for the whole 5 weeks. and i do mean thrill... You havent lived til you've seen matthew covered in white fluid at the end of act one...its quite a sight....worth the price of admission

by the way are you enjoying my complete lack of sensible punctuation...it's a skill i picked up from reading the LA Times. (just kidding, i love the LA Times...they love me too, that's why they call me once a week begging me to subscribe...does anyone still read newspapers? why read a paper when i can read it online the night before????? and why are we talking about this?

SO...... NO 10 NAKED MEN BUT PLENTY OF MAKING PORN IN OCTOBER IN PHOENIX! HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOO

SEE YOU AT THE THEATRE!!!!!!!!!!