Me, Myself and Brad
a short play
Me: I thought it was slow.
Myself: It is slow but that's the beauty of it, it takes its own sweet time.
Me: I wanted some action though, some robbing or killing or something. There's basically one robbery in the whole frigging film'. It's not 310 to Yuma, that's for sure.
Myself: That's the point! It's not an action movie. Its a unique animal. I can honestly say I've never seen a film like it.
Me: What you've never seen a slow film before?
Myself: It's not fair to call it slow...slow implies boring. I was never bored, I was involved, I cared, I wanted to know what was gonna happen next. And I trusted it too....I trusted the history, I felt like I was seeing something accurate. I felt like I was learning about Jesse James and his life. You know what happened when I saw the film...the fucking power on the whole block blacked out so we all had to leave and I didn't get to see the last 30 minutes, the assassination part, I missed that part, so I knew I had to go back to see him get shot but I was worried that I wouldn't actually make it back to the theatre...you know, I'm very busy these days...
Me: Busy, busy.
Myself: Well anyway so tonight I went back...it's only playing one time a day, its a huge flop you know...huge flop....but I went back tonight and thank God I did because the last 30 minutes is like whole 'nother movie....what happens to Robert Ford after he shoots Jesse James is extremely intriguing, didn't you think so.
Me: I guess.
Myself: You guess?
Me: I was bored, I'm telling you, it's slow.
Myself: Cause you have no attention span. I actually went home and spent two hours reading about Jesse James on Wikipedia. It made me wanna know more. That's a good thing, don't you think?
Me: So why do you think it's such a huge flop?
Myself: I don't know but it really is.
Me: Huge.
Myself: Ginormous flop!
Me: But why?
Myself: Apathy. That's the new killer. Death by apathy. There's just too much to focus on nowadays. There's so much product. Who can consume it all so quickly? After a while, I just give up. I subscribed to Vanity Fair 12 months ago and I haven't read it once all year. Not once. They arrive, they collect dust. I just got a notice saying my subscription was up; should I renew it? Why bother? Who has time? Life's too short to read those endless articles. But back to Jesse James, no one cares about this film. Nobody's talking about it. And at least with flops like Bonfire of the Vanities people discussed them but this movie is invisible. Why is that? And Brad Pitt stars as Jesse James. How come people went to see Brad as Troy but not Brad as Jesse? I would argue that Pitt gives his best performance ever as Jesse James but no one cares.
Me: Troy was shit.
Myself: I liked it.
Me: Are you a Brad Pitt fan?
Myself: No, but I love Seven. I like Brad Pitt but I'm not a fanatic or anything. Did you ever see the naked pics of him on the Internet. They're very nice.
Me: Is he hung?
Myself: Google "Brad Pitt + Naked." They're nice pics. But anyway, Brad is great as Jessa James but the movie really belongs to Casey Affleck. He's perfect, really. So great, Oscar worthy and all that.
Me: I liked him in Gone Baby Gone, too.
Myself: Yeah, he's good in that but he's better in Jesse James. It's his beak-out year.
Me: Don't say that!
Myself: Say what?
Me: "Break-out year!" You sound like one of those assholes on Access Hollywood. "Casey Affleck is having a break-out year!" Don't say stupid shit like that.
Myself: Are you on your period?
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