The Orphaned Films

These are movies I saw last year but neglected to write about because I got busy or was having a life or was eating or having sex or shopping. God only knows why I didn't blog about them but here are my short takes. Few were very memorable, actually. The list really illustrates what a mediocre year it's been.

Poseidon: Saw it in Bakersfield. True crap. A non-existent script badly acted. Notable for having Richard Dreyfuss play a depressed gay guy with a lover who didn't come along for the voyage. It might play better on TV where you can ignore the parts where something isn't blowing up.

An Iconvienent Truth: Brilliant. Shocking. Depressing. And the Oscar goes to: President Gore.

x-Men 3: It was weird watching all the main characters get killed but afterwards someone reminded me that it's a comic book and they can all be brought back somehow. In hindsight, it was better than most of the summer crap, including ZZZuperman directed by the guy that should have been directing X-Men 3, Bryan Singer.

Da Vinci Code: After seeing the movie I still want to read the book and I didn't think the movie was very good, so go figure.

See No Evil: Finally, a horror movie that actually had moments of tension and fear. Horror movies declined so badly this year that even I stopped going and I use to see EVERY horror film opening weekend. I can think of about 6 or 7 that came out in the last few months that I simply can't muster the energy to go see (Primeval, The Messengers, Number 23, American Haunting) because most this year have been so bad. And not good bad. Just bad. At least See No Evil was good bad.

The Break-Up: I really liked this film. I found it to be completely original and honest. Having just spent a year in couples counseling I found the complicated relationship to be intriguing and the hardship of living with someone to be very accurate. I moved out and my relationship with my wife has never been better! Wife??? I thought you were gay, Ronnie. LOL I'm gay, yes, but I've been married to a complicated woman for 15 years. So I found the Break-Up to be...inspiring. And no, we didn't break-up, but we both enjoyed the movie.

The Omen: Man, that was shit. Another failed horror remake! I avoided seeing The Hitcher because after the Omen and When a Stranger Calls, I simply couldn't take anymore abuse by these horror-remake-morons working in Hollywood. Next up, a remake of The Birds, I'm not kidding. Please, God, let this nightmare end!

Superman Returns: The movie was boring. Period. Not horrible. Not shit. Lovely to look at but ultimately, BORING. I saw it twice cause I was worried the first time I was just sleepy or something, but nope, the second time was even more boring than the first.

Prairie Home Companion: So sad that Altman is no longer with us. Short Cuts is one of my favorite films of all time so I hate to confess but I left the "Prairie" after 35 minutes. I simply felt I had seen the whole thing by then.

District B-13: I loved this film. Great non-stop action. Simple story. Rent it. I felt like I was back in the 80's. Joy! Amazing stunts.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Another film I saw twice cause I refused to believe it was as uninvolving as it was on the first viewing. It was my favorite film of the year, visually, but I couldn't tell you one thing that was going on or why? I wanted to stand outside the theater and interview people regarding the plot. To this day, no one has been able to tell me the story of the second film. Maybe the third part will make sense. But damn this movie minted money!

The Descent: A lovely little horror movie about lesbian rock climbers stuck in a cave and being eaten by creatures. Some will argue that they weren't all lesbians but I thought the movie was crystal clear. Strong woman descend into a deep dark hole and get eaten. This is the dykiest horror movie ever! Two thumbs way up!

Miami Vice: I love director, Michael Mann. I didn't love this film but I remember alot of details all these many months later and I look forward to seeing it again.

World Trade Center: It was good. Sometimes that's all I have to say. It was good.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend: I can't remember if I hated it or sort of liked it so...hmmm...you're guess is good as mine. I think I was mildly amused. I really can't remember.

Snakes on a Plane: A huge disappointment. I was so excited. So much great buzz followed by so much disappointment. It never took off. I remember being bored and then feeling angry that the movie wasn't better. It didn't take off at the box-office either so I guess I wasn't alone in my dissappointment. I wish I knew how to spell disappointment. It's one S not two, Ronnie.

Crank: There's some super crazy shit in this non-stop action movie. I really like the lead actor, Jason Statham, he's hot and charismatic and he fucks his girlfriend in public during one scene. Rent it.

The Covenant: The best gay porn of the year. Lots of hot guys with their shirts off. I think they're vampires or warlocks or something. I forget. But the guys are HOT, HOT, HOT!

The Illusionist: I only saw the first 30 minutes cause I was waiting for The Departed to start but it was a fascinating first 30 minutes and I look forward to seeing the rest next week on DVD.

The Departed: The good news is, the first time I saw it I was riveted from beginning to end and I audibly gasped more than once. I left feeling excited and exhilarated. The bad news is, I saw it again and it felt like half the film it was before. Once you know all the plot points and twists and turns the movie starts to feel a little hollow. So only watch it once. I wish I had. But the acting is so perfect all-around and I feel strongly that Matt Damon should have been nominated for his performance. And I'm happy Scorcese will finally be getting his Oscar. This movie was an entertaining highlight in a mediocre year.

Blood Diamond: This movie desperately wants to be both a thrilling action piece as well as a deeply profound commentary about human greed and suffering. Sadly, it triumphs as neither. It's neither great action or profound. But I give it high marks for having lofty goals. I stayed involved, I learned a few things and I was very glad the film got made. I just don't think it quite achieved everything it wanted to but compared to most movies this year it's an excellent film.

So my favorite films of the year are still Jackass 2 and Borat! What does that tell you? And I'm really looking forward to seeing Mission Impossible 3 and The Prestige again.