New Pics from Alaska

My friend just sent me these pics. He's in Alaska right now. He writes:

"This is what happens when you throw hot water in the air and it's minus 50 degrees!"

I don't really like tattoos...

...but I find the two below to be at least mildly witty. I got the head one yesterday in my e-mail inbox and the other one I've had for a few years. Today seems as good as any to post them.

Dumb joke of the day.

I don't usually forward jokes around the internet but this one made me laugh so I give it to you.
__________

Life in 2007

3 WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN; TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY
PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF
MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT
DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS
IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.


SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM
HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND
STARED AT HER...


THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........


WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT..... I'M GETTING A FAX!

____________________

Regina Fong lives!!!!!!!

This video shows the closest I ever came to being a member of a cult or becoming a religious fanatic. When I was 19 and in London for 6 months I would go every Tuesday night to the Black Cap in Camden to see and worship the amazing Regina Fong. A few years ago I found out she had died of cancer and I was, of course, incredibly sad. But thanks to the glory of YouTube she is alive again performing her famous finale. Check out this clip and picture me packed in this club with 300 other strangers doing this routine that we all knew by heart and did three times in a row at the end of each show. The video only shows it one time thru but I swear to God (Regina), we did it three times in a row at the end of a very long but thrilling evening. Watching this show every tuesday night and learning all the routines was some of the purest joy I have ever known.

"Stormy Weather" this morning at the beach.

_______
Someone wrote this reply to my video on metacafe:

y que pedo???
a que hora le cae el rayo al marrano?

JAAAAAAAAAAAa

but my computer translated it as this:

and that pedo? to that hour falls the ray to him to the pig?

JAAAAAAAAAAAa
__________

Do any of you speak better Spanish than my ibook? Please translate. I know he thinks I'm a pig but what else is saying???

Anna in the Morgue

a short film I made about Anna Nicole Smith in the morgue. Enjoy!

The Chippendales 8 Go Free!!!

A short report about the 8 Chippendale dancers arrested in Lubbock, Texas for "gyrating and thrusting pelvises in a manner meant to cause "sexual gratification." Oh Lord! Will this country ever grow up????

All About Movies!

Today is Oscar day. It was a mediocre year for movies. I can think of many years where all 5 nominated films where better than any one of these. It's not that any of the nominated films this year are bad they just aren't AMAZING. I actually saw a bunch of films that I didn't blog about last year but I kept a list so below are blogs all about movies even if some of the posts seem dated. I even wrote a few blogs about films I saw but I didn't publish them so this is my day of movie-blog-spring-cleaning. Enjoy.

Box Office Update! Urgent!

Since todays blogs are all about movies I thought I would tell you that last week I made a movie called White Trash Cooking! I put it on a website called Metacafe and so far 8500 have people have watched me make Jell-o. This boggles my mind. But anyway, if you watch it on Metacafe and give it a good ranking I can actually make money. I get 5 dollars for every thousand hits but the video has to have a 3.0 rating or higher. So please give my video 5 stars. Thank you!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/432231/white_trash_cooking_with_ronnie_larsen/

NYC Cam Phone: Hollywood

I took this pic with my cam phone in New York last fall. Today seemed like a good day to run it. It looks more like Japan.

Attack of the Netflix

I did something this week I've never done before. I added movies to my Netflix list that are still playing in theatres because I have other things I need to do in the next two weeks then try to catch all the mediocre films filling the local cineplex (Ghostrider, Smokin Aces, etc). So I added a bunch of films knowing they'll be out in a month or so on DVD. This is a big change for me. Usually, I pressure myself to see things while they're still in the theater but recently I've just given up. There just isn't enough time to see Rocky Balboa and Perfume and Volver and Primeval. So I added them and I don't feel an ounce of disappointment. Besides, some of the screens at the Oceanside multiplex are so small, at times it feels like I'm watching a movie on a wide screen TV in someones house albeit a house full of hunky Marines...LOL. But I digress. So maybe the DVD really will devour the movie-going experience. I hope not. But it feels more and more possible.

The Nazi Triple-Bill

One of the most interesting nights I had last year that I never wrote about was my Nazi triple-bill night. I watched Charlie Chaplins' The Great Dictator, (Chaplin plays Hitler and a Jewish barber) then I watched The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Riefenstahl about the life of female director, Leni Riefenstahl who directed the Nazi propoganda film Triump of the Will. And then, finally, I watched the actual film, Triumph of the Will. I only got thru about half of the depressing Triumph of the Will, I can only take so much Nazi propaganda in one night, but still, it was a fascinating evening. Chaplin is a genius, Riefenstahl is complicated, defensive and probably not at all honest and Hitler is...well...Hitler. The Great Dictator is probably my favorite film ever made about war and if you haven't seen it, you must. It was shot in 1940 but it's fresher, funnier and more alive than most films made in the last decade. Thank God for Netflix, I can't imagine any of these films being available at the local Oceanside Blockbuster.

The Orphaned Films

These are movies I saw last year but neglected to write about because I got busy or was having a life or was eating or having sex or shopping. God only knows why I didn't blog about them but here are my short takes. Few were very memorable, actually. The list really illustrates what a mediocre year it's been.

Poseidon: Saw it in Bakersfield. True crap. A non-existent script badly acted. Notable for having Richard Dreyfuss play a depressed gay guy with a lover who didn't come along for the voyage. It might play better on TV where you can ignore the parts where something isn't blowing up.

An Iconvienent Truth: Brilliant. Shocking. Depressing. And the Oscar goes to: President Gore.

x-Men 3: It was weird watching all the main characters get killed but afterwards someone reminded me that it's a comic book and they can all be brought back somehow. In hindsight, it was better than most of the summer crap, including ZZZuperman directed by the guy that should have been directing X-Men 3, Bryan Singer.

Da Vinci Code: After seeing the movie I still want to read the book and I didn't think the movie was very good, so go figure.

See No Evil: Finally, a horror movie that actually had moments of tension and fear. Horror movies declined so badly this year that even I stopped going and I use to see EVERY horror film opening weekend. I can think of about 6 or 7 that came out in the last few months that I simply can't muster the energy to go see (Primeval, The Messengers, Number 23, American Haunting) because most this year have been so bad. And not good bad. Just bad. At least See No Evil was good bad.

The Break-Up: I really liked this film. I found it to be completely original and honest. Having just spent a year in couples counseling I found the complicated relationship to be intriguing and the hardship of living with someone to be very accurate. I moved out and my relationship with my wife has never been better! Wife??? I thought you were gay, Ronnie. LOL I'm gay, yes, but I've been married to a complicated woman for 15 years. So I found the Break-Up to be...inspiring. And no, we didn't break-up, but we both enjoyed the movie.

The Omen: Man, that was shit. Another failed horror remake! I avoided seeing The Hitcher because after the Omen and When a Stranger Calls, I simply couldn't take anymore abuse by these horror-remake-morons working in Hollywood. Next up, a remake of The Birds, I'm not kidding. Please, God, let this nightmare end!

Superman Returns: The movie was boring. Period. Not horrible. Not shit. Lovely to look at but ultimately, BORING. I saw it twice cause I was worried the first time I was just sleepy or something, but nope, the second time was even more boring than the first.

Prairie Home Companion: So sad that Altman is no longer with us. Short Cuts is one of my favorite films of all time so I hate to confess but I left the "Prairie" after 35 minutes. I simply felt I had seen the whole thing by then.

District B-13: I loved this film. Great non-stop action. Simple story. Rent it. I felt like I was back in the 80's. Joy! Amazing stunts.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Another film I saw twice cause I refused to believe it was as uninvolving as it was on the first viewing. It was my favorite film of the year, visually, but I couldn't tell you one thing that was going on or why? I wanted to stand outside the theater and interview people regarding the plot. To this day, no one has been able to tell me the story of the second film. Maybe the third part will make sense. But damn this movie minted money!

The Descent: A lovely little horror movie about lesbian rock climbers stuck in a cave and being eaten by creatures. Some will argue that they weren't all lesbians but I thought the movie was crystal clear. Strong woman descend into a deep dark hole and get eaten. This is the dykiest horror movie ever! Two thumbs way up!

Miami Vice: I love director, Michael Mann. I didn't love this film but I remember alot of details all these many months later and I look forward to seeing it again.

World Trade Center: It was good. Sometimes that's all I have to say. It was good.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend: I can't remember if I hated it or sort of liked it so...hmmm...you're guess is good as mine. I think I was mildly amused. I really can't remember.

Snakes on a Plane: A huge disappointment. I was so excited. So much great buzz followed by so much disappointment. It never took off. I remember being bored and then feeling angry that the movie wasn't better. It didn't take off at the box-office either so I guess I wasn't alone in my dissappointment. I wish I knew how to spell disappointment. It's one S not two, Ronnie.

Crank: There's some super crazy shit in this non-stop action movie. I really like the lead actor, Jason Statham, he's hot and charismatic and he fucks his girlfriend in public during one scene. Rent it.

The Covenant: The best gay porn of the year. Lots of hot guys with their shirts off. I think they're vampires or warlocks or something. I forget. But the guys are HOT, HOT, HOT!

The Illusionist: I only saw the first 30 minutes cause I was waiting for The Departed to start but it was a fascinating first 30 minutes and I look forward to seeing the rest next week on DVD.

The Departed: The good news is, the first time I saw it I was riveted from beginning to end and I audibly gasped more than once. I left feeling excited and exhilarated. The bad news is, I saw it again and it felt like half the film it was before. Once you know all the plot points and twists and turns the movie starts to feel a little hollow. So only watch it once. I wish I had. But the acting is so perfect all-around and I feel strongly that Matt Damon should have been nominated for his performance. And I'm happy Scorcese will finally be getting his Oscar. This movie was an entertaining highlight in a mediocre year.

Blood Diamond: This movie desperately wants to be both a thrilling action piece as well as a deeply profound commentary about human greed and suffering. Sadly, it triumphs as neither. It's neither great action or profound. But I give it high marks for having lofty goals. I stayed involved, I learned a few things and I was very glad the film got made. I just don't think it quite achieved everything it wanted to but compared to most movies this year it's an excellent film.

So my favorite films of the year are still Jackass 2 and Borat! What does that tell you? And I'm really looking forward to seeing Mission Impossible 3 and The Prestige again.

Jesus Camp

I don't really love watching movies at home because I wind up paying only half attention unless the film is riveting throughout. Jesus Camp, an amazing documentary about the evangelical movement and it's focus on children is absolutely riveting throughout. Part horror film, part black comedy the people in this movie are disturbed and the filmmakers let them hang themselves with their absurd perspectives and theatrics. In one disturbing scene, a mother, homeschooling her son warns him of evil public school where, "they actually believe the earth is more than 6,000 years old." About 20 times during this film I said, out loud, "Oh my, GOD! There are even scenes with gay (now ex-gay, lol) preacher, Ted Haggard, preaching to a huge congregation before his drug-filled sex life caused him to resign from the church in disgrace. After the sermon the young boys approach him the conversation is fucking creepy! This film is so damned delicious, I can not reccomend it highly enough. I beg you to watch it. Jesus Camp!

Click here to read interesting stuff about the film.

Notes on a Scandal

I finally saw this brilliantly, shocking and entertaining film and there is no question that Judi Dench deserves the Oscar over Helen Mirren. Mirren will win, and yes she gives a great performance, but it simply does not hold a candle to the complicated performace that Dench gives. I believe Judi Dench is, without question, our greatest living actress. Her performances in general, and this movie is no exception, always function on multiple levels. No other actress has as much going on internally as Judi Dench does. In Notes on a Scandal she is at all times, vulnerable, angry, defensive, funny, witty, humorless and conniving ALL AT THE SAME TIME. It's flawless. She won't win. But she should. All hail Judi Dench. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

Letters from Iwo Jima

"Congratulations. You're going to war." This line, spoken with a straight face to a young draftee, made me laugh out loud. It illustrates the fundamental difference between the Japanese and the American soldiers. Letters is an interesting movie, a confusing movie, a sad movie, a startling movie and a long movie. I knew next to nothing about Iwo Jima going in and the film certainly held my attention, however, If I watched it at home I would have been lost. This film requires serious focusing so if you really want to see it, see it in a theater. One thing the film does brilliantly is to begin battle sequences with no fanfare and no lead in. One moment the Japanese are having dinner and then all of a sudden, planes are overhead and the island is being bombarded. I was shocked by the suddenness of it. I was also shocked by some of the Japanese and their decisions to commit suicide as oppose to continuing fighting. There's a scene where individual soldiers commit suicide by holding hand grenades and pulling the pins. We see their bodies blow up right in front of us. Very disturbing. It's a very good film and I think it has a good of chance of any of winning tonight. In fact, I think it will.

Crazy Squirrel

This is the most aggressive and friendliest squirrel I've ever met except for those two big ones that walk around Disneyland. This squirrel saw me, ran right up, stepped on the toe of my shoe, stood up and practically screamed at me, "Feed me!" I bought some caramel corn but he didn't want it. The store owner said,"he likes almonds." So I buy some almonds and guess what, he likes almonds! He'd take one, run away, hide it, and come back for more. And then, when I ran out of almonds, he bit me and I died of rabies. The last part isn't true but everything else is.

The Anna & Britney Show

Stressed at work???

I didn't make this video. (But I could have...lol) Watch and be shocked.

Boulot - video powered by Metacafe

Breach

I saw Breach yesterday. I'm very good friends with the production designer, Wynn Thomas, and I always get a kick out of seeing his name in the opening credits. Yesterday, I took a pic of his name with my camera phone. Is that illegal???

Anyway, the movie is good but not great. Chris Cooper gives a wonderfully complicated performance as disgraced FBI agent, Robert Hanssen. I was dissapointed by the pacing (too slow) and parts of the script seemed like filler. I lost interest when Cooper left the screen but I would still reccomend it and not just because my friend designed it. It's a fairly interesting film, which is saying alot these days!

Although, on a side note, I saw the director on Charlie Rose and he talked about wanting to make a film about the FBI in a way that had never been done before. If he thinks he's achieved that he is woefully deluded BUT it's not a bad film.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

I'm about to commit some sort of film-blaspheme right now but I don't care! I'm watching Audrey Hepburn in this Breakfast at Tiffany's thing and I just want her to shut the fuck up. And then every 10 minutes Mickey Rooney comes out and does some stupid racist-Asian-slapstick. This movie is going off. I've seen enough. Do people really love this thing???

White Trash Cooking! with Ronnie Larsen

Alien Abduction by Ronnie Larsen

I'm considering submitting to this short to that new TV show, On The Lot. Any thoughts?

Hometown Barbies

These have been floating around the net. This is one of the Kern County Barbies. My hometown, Bakersfield, is in Kern County, so I was intrigued at how accurate they were. I know these "Barbies".

Click below to see them all:

http://baketown.blogspot.com/2007/02/new-kern-county-barbies-for-sale.html

Dear Dad,

My Dad came to Oceanside this week and we built a bed together. I wanted a bed with lots of storage underneath. He was amazed at my ease handling a screw gun. I said, "Dad, what do you think I've been doing for the last 15 years?" The theatre has always felt like a blue-collar job to me. Theaters are filthy, messy, dirty, places. I know more about screw guns than I ever wanted to. Anyway, the bed is lovely and it was great doing a project with my dad. I felt like I was 8 again and we were building a car to compete in the Boy Scout Pinewood Derby. If you don't know what that is, here's a pic that could've been me about 30 years ago.

The next day we walked down the beach and had breakfast and I could not keep up with him! It felt like power-walking. My dad is 70 but in perfect shape, very athletic! I wish I had his genes but I was adopted so, oh well.

The week before my Dad came down to Oceanside I was in Bakersfield and I put on a suit and tie and went to the Mormon church with him. Mormons are EXTREMELY nice people. It's true. I'm not being sarcastic. Mormons are very, very nice. And very clean.

Oh Anna!

So my bisexual boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, I'm not sure what he is, he announces last night how upset he is at the death of Anna Nicole because he loved her so much and wanted to meet her and asdmired her and blah blah blah. Now bear in mind, this guy has a PHD in molecular biology but he really liked Anna. "She was my favorite." "She was like Marilyn Monroe." "She was a perfect woman." "I always wanted to fuck her."

I said, "You wanted to fuck a drug addict??? I thought you had a PHD!!!"

He replies with, "She had perfect breasts!"

So as you can tell, this whole Anna thing is way over my head. I would have thought her death would be a passing a footnote, not a circus. I had no idea people actually cared about this woman and her crazy life. Though I must admit, the more I hear about the case it does start to sound Shakespearean with all the talk of alleged poisoning, switched babies, unburied corpses, running to other countries, death of a young son and a sexy mother, feuding lovers, huge fortunes at stake, there's even a prince involved now...so maybe it is an important story. But I'll be glad when it ends so we can all get back to the really important tragedy at hand, Iraq and the destruction of America by George W. Bush.

Baby Alert!

I bought this storage tub from Wal-Mart with the worlds most ridiculous warning label: "Don't put your baby in the tub and put the lid on." When I see things like that I feel like a fucking genius living in the United States of Dumbville.

The Last King of Scotland

I admired this film on every level but for some reason I never really got involved. I'm not sure why though. Every thing was in place, the acting was lovely, the story was interesting but for some reason I never really became immersed in this film the way I did with The Queen. (same screenwriter by the way, Peter Morgan)

Forest Whittaker was great and so was James McAvoy (remember the half-horse guy from Narnia, that's him. He's a very charming actor).

Anyway, that's all. It's a fine film but it left me cold. Oh well.

PS I must confess I did spend 20 minutes in the bathroom with intense diarrhea in the middle of the film but before that I still wasn't totally engrossed so, who knows?

Hannibal Rising

Silence of the Lambs is my second favorite movie of all-time. So I've seen all the films many times, Red Dragon, Manhunter, Hannibal, and now Hannibal Rising. I must tell you that I was surprised at this film. The reviews have been bad, the trailer sucked but I was involved in the film and I was impressed with the performance of the young actor playing Hannibal: Gaspard Ulliel.

The film is fairly restrained and filled with lots of interesting references to Silence of the Lambs and not just with plot points but there are shots that mirror Silence that I found interesting. And the actor does subtle things to reference Hopkins without mimicking him.

This film does not suck. So there. It's not great but it did intrigue me.

Bloom

this is a test!






This was a test pic I used to blog from my e-mail account...and it worked. Anyway, it's a really cool pic from an artist who puts tons of flowers in abandoned buildings like hospitals. She just won the MacArthur genius award. I saw her on Charlie Rose. Very interesting stuff. Her name is Anna Schuleit.

Click here: http://www.1856.org/anna/bloom.html

Check out her installation called bloom.

or go to:

http://www.anna-schuleit.com/

Pan's Labyrinth

I sat through the whole thing. What a phenomenal bore! Stupifying! I kept wanting to leave but then I knew people would say, "you didn't see the whole thing! How can you judge it???" Well I saw the whole thing and I was completely bored for 92% of it! I didn't care about the people, or the conflicts. I just thought it was utterly slow and utterly dull, UTTERLY! Maybe if it was edited to a swift 30 minutes, maybe...but as it stands now...zzzzzzzzzzzz. The only filmmakers alive who know who know how to make fairy tales are Steven Spielberg and Tim Burton. Maybe if one of them rewrote it, recast it, redesigned it and redirected it...maybe then there'd be a film but as it stands now...dull, dull, dull.

And I especially love how they try to market it as some gore, scary, fantasy thing. LOL. This thing is a fucking bore. Look at the poster! They know damn well they're mis-marketing this movie! The theater I saw it in was EMPTY! The word must be getting out!

The Queen

As the credits rolled I uttered the word, "tight". Tight screenplay, tight acting, tight direction. I'll go out on a limb and say this was a perfect movie. Not my favorite movie of all time or even of the year, but still, a flawless movie. I was nervous seeing this film after hearing all the hype but no one really explained what the movie is. I felt like I was watching a documentary the entire time. Acting teachers often talk about "the art of being" as opposed to performing. I rarely see that in actors. I'm always aware of the performance, even in great performances, but I honestly felt I was watching Queen Elizabeth in a besides-the-scene-documentary. I was surprised that I wept during the funeral scenes because I wasn't really a Diana fan". I didn't like her or dislike her. She just never really affected me either way sooooo... And my favorite line was when The Queen warns Tony Blair, and I paraphrase, "they will turn on you, too, overnight". After the screening, I came home, clicked on The Drudge Report and read that Tony Blair and his party are collapsing under a scandal about money. Very ironic as Miss Morrisette would say.