A Wonderful Horrible 2005

Last year, 2005, was truly the worst year of my entire life. It was a year filled with conflict, anger and frustration. I have been looking forward to the death of this year for the past few months. December 2004 was glorious and then 2005 arrived and hell began. I won't go into specifics because not one thing really impacted me, it was more of a cumulative effect. It wasn't just my life, but lives all around me imploded. The tsunami and Katrina were metaphors for the destruction I witnessed up close and personal in my own life and others. In fact, i did not speak to one person this year who said they had a good year. Maybe you did. I hope you did. I, however, did not.

Having said all that, I write this with a smile on my face and a sense of great hope. Never before in my life have I been so excited about the future. Death makes way for life. I feel renewed, inspired, more loving, more available and more creative than I have felt in years. I know the horrible events of 2005 are going to have positive impacts on my life forever because I simply will not make those same mistakes again. I'll make new mistakes, but 2005 taught me…so much.

So for the past few weeks, I've really been reexamining 2005, and I've been trying to focus on all the wonderful, beautiful moments I had last year. And as I contemplate, more great moments come flooding forward and I find myself asking, "Was it really that bad?"

So I'm simply listing all of my great memories from 2005, because thank God I didn't get caught in the tsunami and I don't live in New Orleans and I'm not serving in Iraq, so honestly, what the fuck do I have to complain about? Life is good.

So here are my 2005 Memories: Greatest Hits, Volume 1. The timeline may not be perfect, but who cares? It's my life. It's my memories. The list is long, but it was a long year. 365 days.

JANUARY
Listening to ’80s music with Wendy Sue Morris. That's all i remember from January.

FEBRUARY
Taking a tour of the Everglades on my Birthday and seeing all the alligators.

Eating at the drive-thru of Miami Subs in Florida with Caryn Horwitz and laughing hysterically because they always dropped the change on the street and we believed it was on purpose so they could collect the change after you drive away.

Spending time with a wonderful, loving woman named Eileen Mack in Boca Raton, Florida.

MARCH
Taking my dogs to the dog park on Mulholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills. Truly one of my favorite places in the world.

Switching to Gmail from AOL. I worship the Google people.

Hanging out in the car with Billy Masters and learning about myself because Billy knows me so well and loves me and challenges me and drives like a mad man. I like Del Taco and he likes Jack in the Box, so we go to each one then drive somewhere and sit and park and talk and laugh and learn. Billy is a very smart man.

APRIL
Getting a brand-new, free Apple computer because my old one had a fatal flaw. What a happy day that was! A life-changing day actually. My new iBook kicks ass. Thank you, Rona.

MAY
Moving into a new apartment in West Hollywood, by myself, and feeling a sense of peace. Sleeping better than I've ever slept before.

Being driven to Phoenix by David North while I listened to If You Could Read My Mind by Gordon Lightfoot on my iPod over and over and over. "I walk away, like a movie star, who gets burned in a three-way script."

Laughing with Patricia and Carolyn in Dallas. Funny shit.

Installing a ceiling fan all by myself. I felt empowered. Anyone need a celing fan installed?

Driving in my wonderful Honda Accord that never breaks down. This car and I have a looooong, intense relationship and I hope we can be friends for a few more years. I never yearn for another car. I only want you.

Having a sex party with a very close friend and eight hot fucking Marines in Oceanside, California. A night neither of us will ever forget.

JUNE
Listening to Dr. Laura as I drive around L.A. She's a cunt, but I agree with her on a lot of common sense stuff. Most people who hate her have never really listened to her. I've listened to her for hours on end and to say she is homophobic is simplistic at best. She's complicated, like we all are. She's opinionated, like we all are. And she has given me countless hours of pleasure. Go figure.

There was an actor in Washington, D.C., I worked with. I don't recall his name, but he played the part of Jim Tucker. I think maybe his name was Jim. I just enjoyed being around him. He had a wonderful, intelligent, independent spirit, and I really liked watching him act. For some reason I think of him. Not sure why, though. His face stays in my head. It haunts me, in a good way. We didn't hang out, we didn't get to know each other, but I was very intrigued by him.

Another actor that just popped into my head was Miss Chris in Boston. Oh, Lord. What great energy. I fell in love with him. He's a big, beautiful, elegant, funny drag queen/actor/performer/designer/talent. Working with him was my honor. What a joy he was! I must work with him again. I must. I will. I hope he'll work with me.

JULY
Every date I've ever had with my boyfriend was perfect. I am so blessed to be dating the nicest guy in the entire world. He still fucks women on the side and I still have my "adventures," but we love each other and I'm blessed to know him. We've dated for two years and every date is perfect. Except for the time he gave me a hickey before I had to go on stage. Ugh. I felt so white trash.

Walking on the beach with Tom, Carolyn and David. Lovely.

Eating Kung Pao Shrimp at Kung Pao bistro in West Hollywood. Eating Jell-o for dessert. Then going home and making more Jell-o myself.

Fourth of July with my favorite uncle, who I hadn't seen in years. Lots of fireworks and lots of laughs. Watching Caryn Horwitz be mesmerized by the all the explosions. She does love explosions.

AUGUST
Visiting with my dear friend Donna Makasian in Fresno. The happiest woman I know. A woman who has taught me so much and loved me so deeply and inspired me so often to be a better person and not give up on faith. She doesn't believe we're all just meaningless organisms on a planet in a cold universe. She believes in MORE, and I hope she's right.

Laughing hysterically, every night, with the cast of 10 Naked Men backstage at the Eureka Theatre in SF.

Dinner with John Cardoza, a man I've known, loved and respected for 22 years. A man who cares about me and makes me feel loved in return. I'm so lucky to know him.

Discovering all the new software for Mac: iMovie, Garage Band, etc. etc. I fell in love with technology more than ever this year. Web sites, blogging, the world has changed, doors have opened and I love being a part of it. I wish I would be alive in a hundred years.

A lovely afternoon with Preston Britton and Greg Grove, having lunch at Fugazi in the Castro and shopping for T-shirts. Lots of laughs. It felt like three friends that day, not colleagues. Very nice.

Emotionally detoxing at my birth mother’s home in Denver. Lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, contemplating my life. So peaceful.

Watching my friend Craig Fox eat the biggest pancake in the history of the world at Hash House a Go-Go in San Diego.

Snorkeling in La Jolla Cove all by myself (and a hundred other people).

Going to the beach with Ed. I got in the water even though I'm terrified of sharks. I wasn't eaten. Not this time.

Reading America, the book, from the Daily Show people, aloud, to Craig Fox and laughing so hard I cried.

SEPTEMBER
Fighting with my girlfriend from junior high school, Carolyn Anhalt, wanting to kill her, and the next week loving her more than ever. That fight taught me that our friendship can survive anything, and I truly love her.

Watching Real Time With Bill Maher every week on Tivo and realizing that I agree with everything he says.

Watching Bill O' Reilly every night on Fox New Channel and realizing I agree with about half of everything he says.

Watching Bill Clinton on TV trying to change the world and realizing that I have a thing for guys on TV named Bill.

Watching 60 minutes and loving every single episode.

Listening to Meet the Press on my iPod and realizing Tim Russert is one smart man.

Listening to Roger Ebert on my iPod and realizing that above all he truly loves movies. Even when he hates 'em, he loves 'em. Thank God for critics who don't despise the medium they cover. Roger Ebert reminds me of two theater critics I've gotten to know and admire: Les Spindle and Richard Dodds. They both love the theater and it shows in their reviews. I've been encouraged over the years by them, and for that I am grateful.

Hanging out and laughing in Palm Springs with my ex-boyfriend Ed Alston, watching piss videos in a gay bar and being so repulsed I had to leave. Collecting balls for him at the batting range. Getting my ass kicked at fooze ball. Seeing movies. Swimming. Eating seafood. Eating Del Taco. Watching a drag show. I adore Ed and I'm happy because he's dating a guy that he really likes and if Ed is happy, I'm happy.

Watching my dad fix my bicycle so I could ride around my old neighborhood. I felt 10 years old again.

Learning who my real friends are. Making a list. Writing it down. Seeing it clearly. Realizing how many I have. Feeling grateful.

Seeing David Hoffman perform his hilarious and original 10-minute act in a comedy festival. David is truly one of the most talented actors I have ever worked with.


OCTOBER
Dressing up my friend Joseph Manghise as a cowboy for a Halloween party and watching him win a DVD player.

Meeting the two Scotts in Scottsdale, Arizona, and playing with their adorably funny dogs and feeling like I had known these two great guys my whole life. Swimming in the pool and winning at Train Dominos was awesome, too. I won my first time playing. I went to bed happy.

Seeing the amazing production of Sweeney Todd on Broadway the same night Angela Lansbury was there with Stephen Sondheim.

Seeing the fascinating play, Doubt, with Cherry Jones on Broadway and afterward seeing her in the lobby in full costume, holding a bucket for Equity Fights AIDS. I donated, she handed me a ribbon and for a brief moment I felt like a good human being.

Spending a wonderful evening with Adam Beckworth and reminiscing about the great friend we both lost this year, Robert Young. Robert was an amazing man, and I still don't believe he's gone. I cannot comprehend his absence. It's so wrong. We loved each other unconditionally and every moment we spent together was perfect. Adam was Robert's ex-lover, and we sat in McDonald's and pondered his death and how it affected us, and then we went to see the incredibly mediocre The Color Purple on Broadway and I had a seat on the aisle in the front row. I felt closer to Adam that night than I ever had before. It was a wonderfully sad, uplifting night. One of the best of the year.

Sucking a huge Israeli dick in NYC. At least 10 inches. He called me every day for two weeks wanting to come back. I was flattered. I know I'm good, thank you very much.

Spending a great afternoon, lying on my bed, cuddling with a married man I adore and playing with his chest.

NOVEMBER
Seeing Betty Buckley, live, with a man I worship, Thom Wise, and watching Ms. Buckley sing Memory from Cats with tears streaming down her face.

Having a great meal at Ollie's in NYC with my friend Joseph Manghise and learning about his love for Alfred Hitchcock films. Who knew? And all this time I thought he only loved Access Hollywood and CHER.

Seeing Brokeback Mountain three times and being deeply affected each time in a totally different way. I looked forward to revisiting it many times in my life.

Discovering a new porno theater in Pahrump, Nevada, and eating at Panda Express afterward. Love that Orange Chicken!

Thanksgiving at my cousins. Great food, great people, great dog. Another perfect day.

Talking to my sister-in-law, Evelyn, on the phone and realizing she had a shitty year, too, and that we shouldn't feel alone on this planet.

Walking on Venice Beach with my boyfriend after eating the single largest bowl of pasta ever served in a restaurant. (C&O on Venice Beach, crazy portions!). After pasta, I watch a basketball game while my man shops for T-shirts for his kids. Sexuality is endlessly fascinating.

Seeing Munich and being awestruck by the stunning lighting, camera angles and compositions. The best filmmaking I've seen all year. Not my favorite movie, but so well shot it's shocking. I am so grateful to be on the planet with Steven Spielberg. I always say there are only three genuises working today in the world of entertainment: Stephen Sondheim, Steven Spielberg and William Shakespeare. That's it. Everyone else is just talented.

Buying two sexy new goldfish and bringing them home and making a little movie about it.

DECEMBER
Seeing Johnny Mathis in Vegas with Thom Wise and falling in love with Thom and Johnny. Chances Are is one of my new favorite songs of the year.

Winning 70 bucks on my first try at a dollar slot machine at the Hilton Casino before seeing Johnny Mathis.

Christmas with my family. Perfect. No presents. No stress. Just love.

Listening to a Johnny Mathis album with my mother and seeing her moved to tears by Somewhere My Love, a song she wants played at her funeral.

Starting therapy with a very insightful man named Larry.

All the movies I saw in 2005. Every single one. A movie, popcorn and a diet coke fills me with a joy I cannot explain.

These are my memories for the year. They are random, but they are what I remember and what I treasure. I'm intrigued by what's on the list, but also by what isn't. I've only included moments that I truly loved and that are still with me. I'm sure I will think of many more and maybe I'll even add them as time goes by so that I'll always be able to look back on 2005 as not just the worst year of my life but also one of the best. Happy New Year.