Wild about Harry!

Is it real or an illusion? What do you think?

I'm voting for Miss Texas!

Just got this from one of my actors, Preston Brittan. Preston is one of my favorite actors I've ever worked with and I mean it. That's not phony-baloney-showbiz-ass-kissing-crap, it's true. Everyone knows I hate actors and I never kiss their asses except during the first week of rehearsal. After that it's all downhill.

Anyway, I never felt more secure on stage than when I was acting with Preston. (Except of course for the last night of 10 Naked Men in San Francisco when he got really drunk before the show but lets not dwell on the past! LOL)

We toured the country together playing in every shithole in America! What a thrill it was! (10% of the time. lol)

I adore watching Preston act and I would love to see him in his new show, Pageant, now playing in Denver. I don't have all the details but I'm sure you can Google the words - pageant denver theater dragshow preston alcohol - and something useful will pop up!

I actually saw the very first production of Pageant, off-Broadway, when it was at some supper club years ago! Years!!!!!!! I loved every minute of it!

Break a leg, Preston. Just like Whitney Houston said, "I will always love you!"

PS I ran into Brendan the other day at Fiesta Cantina. We had a great time. He looked great and was funnier than ever. We both agree you should be living and working in LA. Remember: Fish grow bigger when they swim in bigger ponds.

Isn't she lovely?????

Click here to hear her new theme song!


Look how she stands out amongst the masses at the Grove. Hint: look for the bright orange shirt under the Clerks 2 marquee!

And compare with her old look.

Memo to Lance, Mel and Michael

Dear Lance Bass,

How brave of you to come out of the closet. I am so inspired. You risked so much. For instance, you risked...uh...well, I'm sure you risked something but I can't think of anything right now. And how noble of you to come out at the height of your fame as a member of that hot singing sensation, The Backstreet Boys. Can you please call up Mr. Hayes now and tell him to come out, too. I'm sure he would love to be on the cover of People by himself without having to share the spotlight with Will, Grace and Karen.

And thank you, too, for enforcing the stereotype that gay men live in fear. I wish when you came out you would have said, "being gay is no big deal...I just happen to be super-famous and super-cowardly and even though everyone already suspected I was gay I thought it was cool to play coy and enforce the stereotypical notion that homosexuality is something to be hidden and denied." That's what I wished you had said.

Love,
Ronnie



Dear Michael,

I am your number one fan this week. Thank you for owning your actions and being a proud sex addict. I like to point out that all human beings on this planet are the result of people fucking. Sex is good and public sex is hot and fuck those bastards for trying to shame you for doing something that millions of people do all the time. Whether a straight guy gets a bj in his car from his girlfriend or a gay guy has sex in a park after midnight it's all good in my eyes and don't let the media tell you otherwise. As long as it's between consenting adults and it's safe sex it's fine by me. Thank you for your honesty and for standing up for yourself. You could teach Mel Gibson a few things.

Love
Ronnie



Dear Mel,

I don't believe that people get drunk and say things they don't mean. I think they get drunk and say things they do mean. I'm disappointed in you not for driving dunk, not for claiming, "you own Malibu", not for disrespecting the cops and not for being anti-Semitic, of course your behavior was despicable, but what truly disappoints me is the way you cleverly write a letter denying who you really are. That letter smacks of being written by you, your lawyers and a great publicist.

I simply don't believe you, Mel. I think you're a liar. I believe you do think you own Malibu and I believe you do think Jews are the source of the worlds problems. Own it man! Stand up for what you believe and deal with the consequences. Take a lesson from George Michael and tell your publicist to shut the fuck up. Be a mencsh, Mel. (that's Yiddish for admirable) Own your opinions. What if you came out today and said, "you know what, it's true, I don't really like Jews and you know what, I do think I own Malibu. Yes, I shouldn't drink and drive but I'm Mel Gibson, I can do whatever the fuck I want cause I'm rich and I'm famous."

What if you had said that instead? Just my two cents. Have a great week.

Love
Ronnie

Ennis Cruising

This is a very, very short film I made of a guy I met outside a gay bar in Bakersfield. He reminded me of Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain.

There is only one Michael Mann!

I don't remember ever reacting so intensely to a movie still upon first viewing. I was browsing the NY Times this morning and saw this image and I literally gasped. A purple cloudy sky! So beautiful. The sliver of city lights. Stunning! Look at the lining peaking thru on Jamie Foxx's jacket. Look at the intense white strip at the top of the cell phone against the black shirt. I love you, Michael Mann. I can't stop staring at this picture! I can not wait to see this. The image alone evokes memories of Collateral. There are two directors in Hollywood who create tones and moods and use color in ways that are completely and uniquely their own: Tim Burton and Michael Mann. I never thought the day would come when I would say, "I'm dying to see the movie version of Miami Vice", but that day is here! Please don't suck! Please!

My Childhood Nightmares

There was a scene in a movie I have never forgotten. In the scene a woman tries to escape by crawling thru a tiny, narrow, open window. She jumps thru, only to land in a gigantic entanglement of wires. I remember this scene vividly from my childhood. It horrified me every time I saw it and I saw it alot.

My neighbors had "The Movie Channel", a pay channel that showed "bad" movies that we weren't allowed to watch at home. We had cable (MTV), but The Movie Channel was too racy for our Mormon household so I would go to the white-trash neighbors house and watch movies over and over.

Only 3 movies have stuck with me:

Brian De Palmas, "The Phantom of the Paradise." There was a horrifying scene where a guy in a bird mask puts a plunger on someones face. I never understood what this movie was about and it was like nothing I had ever seen before. It really creeped me out. I don't remember a story, just images.


Jaws 2 with the great tagline, "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water." I saw it so many times that when I watch it today I feel like I'm seeing old friends my neighborhood. And Just for the record, I still don't think it's safe to go back in the water.

And then there is this movie with the scene of the lady in the barbwire. I had no idea what movie it was from. I've thought of this scene often and always wondered what it's from.

So, this week I recieve a movie from Netflix. I'm watching it out of the corner of my eye on my computer and then all of a sudden that scene begins and I was filled with joy as another one of lifes great mysteries is solved. The movie is Suspiria. Have you ever seen it?

Trannie Panhandling

This is a video of two of my good friends, MzVicky and Sally, panhandling in Los Angeles. These girls are borderline insane and suffering from serious sex addiction but I love them both very much. Enjoy their video.

The Untitled Sex Project

This is a video Sally and I shot last night in Bakersfield.

"I like girls with big vagina."

How many times have I heard the South park theme song??? How many times have I wondered what Kenny was mumbling at the end of the song? Well, wonder no more, I Googled it and howled hysterically while listening to it 10 times in a row. Man, I worship those South Park guys. True American originals. They've earned every dollar they've made. Real artists with something to say who make loads of money saying it. It's a beautiful thing and rare! Listen to the song and sing along!

Click here to hear the song.

South Park Theme Lyrics:

"I'm goin' down to South Park gonna have myself a time,
(Kyle + Stan) Friendly faces everwhere humble folks without temptation,
I'm goin' down to South Park gonna leave my woes behind,
(Cartman) Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"
I'm headin' down to South Park gonna see if I can't unwind,
(Kenny) I like girls with big vagina, I like girls with big fat titties
So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine."


PS Every time I watch South park I think of my dear friend, Robert Young, who loved South Park and is no longer with us. I miss you so much Robert. Life isn't as good without you.

Finally, some good news from Hollywood!!!!!

One of my favorite films of all time is getting the 3-D treatment this Halloween and I'll be there opening day. I, literally, saw the film over 12 times in the theater when it first came out. It was a ride i wanted to go on over and over and over. I would laugh and cry and sit there in awe and tap my foot along to the music. By the end of its run I was the only one in the theater watching. The first week it came out I went every night. It's the most I have ever seen a movie in the theater. I go back once a year and see it at the El Capitan every Halloween, too. I really do adore Tim Burton. There is no one like him, NO ONE, working in film today. He is a true original. I can't wait for Halloween.

Lady in the Water aka Dead in the Water

I can tell you where I won't be this weekend. I won't be watching M. Night ShamaShams cinematic ego trip. The critics have been destroying this thing and even though I'm mildly curious, I refuse to see it in a theater cause I don't want to help the domestic gross. I avoided seeing Unbreakable and The Village in theaters for the same reason. I can not support this megalomaniac.

Now I hear some of you saying, "but Ronnie, aren't you a megalomaniac, too. Aren't you like the pot calling the kettle black?" To that, I defensively say,"Fuck you!" LOL

Listen, I loved The Sixth Sense and I admired it, but then M. Night started doing interviews and the love was quickly gone. His ego was already out of control and his delusion bordered on frightening. I have never done an interview where I said, "I'm fabulous!" I dare you to find it.

I've read things from Night like, "I know things about movie-making no one else knows." Oh Lord!

Let's get one thing clear, all artists have huge egos. You have to have a huge ego to be able to create things, put them on display and endure the harsh criticism that follows. One thing I admire about directors like Spielberg, Lucas, Peter Jackson and Woody Allen is that you never you hear them talking about how brilliant they are. I have never heard Spielberg, who is a God in my eyes, brag about how he changed the world and has been more succesful than any other movie maker in history.

I'm sure Spielberg has a gigantic ego but he keeps it hidden from us masses. That's how it should be. Then you have Woody Allen who loves to tell us how mediocre his own movies are. "I'm not an artist," he recently stated. Well I disagree, Woody. I have never hated a Woody Allen movie. Never. And Husband and Wives is one of my favorite films of all time. Woody Allen casts himself in the lead in his own films all the time but it never smacks of ego to me. However, the tiny cameo Shamablah does in his own films are terribly distracting. Terribly!

In Lady in the Water, M. Night casts himself as a visionary writer who's writing changes the world. Wait a minute while I throw up. Ok, I'm back.

The most amusing reading this week is the review tally at RottenTomatoes.com for Lady in the Water. The critics are being brutal and although I'm not usually a fan of public torture, this whipping is a joy to watch.

Enjoy the pain at:

RottenTomatoes.com/LadyintheWater

Fajitas and Bryan Singer

It was my second time at Fiesta Cantina in West Hollywood. The first time I was there was on a date and tonight I was there with my dear friend, Craig Fox. I love Craig. We wrote a play together and he's one of the few collaborators I've had that I wanted to continue a true friendship with after the collaboration ended. Working together on a script was a process I did not enjoy and as much as I love the man I vowed never to co-write a script again. Collaboration is hell. Period. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. I'm in awe of those TV writers who write as a team. So it's interesting to me that Craig and I are discussing working on a documentary together. I'm telling myself that collaborating on a documentary will be completely different than collaborating on a play. And yes, I know, I'm completely delusional.

Anyway, so Craig comes to town last night and we can't agree on which movie to see or where to eat. I told you we shouldn't collaborate. We decide to go to Fiesta Cantina. I had Fajitas there like three years ago on a date and they were excellent so off we go. My memory of this place whas that it was simply a restaurant. How wrong I was. It's, supposedly, some kind of happening, hip, gay, watering-hole, hang-out. Who knew? The gays love it. They come, they drink, they hang out.

However, I don't enjoy hanging out where huge groups of gay men are drinking and discussing their faux-hawks. It's not my idea of entertainment. So after my fajitas were consumed I was ready to leave. But then an actor I worked with a long time ago in Chicago (Brendan), comes flaming across the floor and we begin to catch up. He's amusing as always even though he thinks Romy and Michelles High School Reunion is a cinematic masterpiece. "I don't like action and stuff he says." Of course not Brendan, if you did you wouldn't be hanging out every night at a Taco Stand, but don't get me started.

Brendan told me he actually wrote a TV pilot for his college thesis based on his experiences being in one of my plays. He says he portrayed my producer, Caryn Horwitz, like Charlie on Charlies Angels, "You never see her, you just hear her on the other end of the line, smoking, drinking diet coke, and yelling at the dogs to BE QUIET!"

Brendan was amusing but I get bored quickly. I was about to leave when in walks the director of Superman Returns, Bryan Singer. Watching him enter was like watching a gay version of the HBO show, Entourage. I actually admire Mr. Singer. I loved Usual Suspects and was truly fascinated by the X-Men movies. Also he's openly gay, which makes me happy on some level. I was bored by Superman Returns but that's a different story. Anyway, a little buzz starts.

"Bryan Singer's here."

"Who's Bryan Singer?"

"Is he the guy in the hat?"

"No, the other guy."

"He directed Superman."

"Ohhhh."

"Bryan Singer's here."

"Who's that?"

"He directed Superman."

It goes on like this for a while.

So, heres the deal. I'm very curious to know what Mr. Singer thought of X-Men 3. He directed the first two but left in some dispute to go do Superman and now X-Men 3 has out-grossed Superman but the reviews weren't as good as the first two, blah, blah, blah...But I'm still curious to know what he thought of it.

So this crazy homeless woman comes up to me and begs for money. So I give her two dollars to do me a favor...

"I want you to go over there and say, "I need to talk to Bryan Singer." Then I want you to ask him what he thought of X-Men 3."

So she takes the money and I see her go over and she starts yelling, "Who's Bryan Singer? Where's Bryan Singer. I need to talk to Bryan Singer."

He's standing right next to her but he ignores her and one of his entourage talks to her. She comes back to me and reports that Bryan Singer isn't here and then she asks for more money. I tell her they're lying and I give her two more dollars to go back and she does go back and I can hear her saying from across the bar. "Where's Bryan Singer???"

She's over there for a long time talking to the entourage.

Then she comes back with a second report.

"He already left."

I say, "he didn't leave cause he's standing right there, but don't worry about it." And I give up.

I still don't know what Bryan Singer thought of X-Men 3 but I do know he hangs out with a lot of guys who use a ton of hair products.

And that was my night: Fajitas and Bryan Singer. Welcome to LA!

War in the Middle East? What war?

I find it fascinating that no one I know personally, except my brother (on his blog) is discussing the fact that the Middle East is exploding. Everyone would much rather talk about Pirates. is this just another crazy week in the Middle East or are we about to enter World War 3? I'm scared. Maybe I'll go see Pirates of the Caribbean again so I can keep pretending nothing important is happening.

Hip Bowling

Went bowling on Friday with my boyfriend and my best friend. I kicked their asses. LOL. We went to Lucky Strike at Hollywood and Highland. It's very chic and retro and neon and oh-so-hip. (see picture above, that's it) I got a strike on the first try. I'm a very erratic bowler. I either get strikes or it goes right in the gutter. Wait, am I discussing bowling or my theater career?

The Devil Wears Prada

There is a fascinating speech in the Devil Wears Prada about a blue sweater. Well not blue but "cerulean". The speech is all about the power of fashion and how colors are picked by designers and then trickle down and impact the common clothes we all wear. I'm not explaining it very well but it was the best written speech I've seen all year at the movies. Unfortunatly, the rest of the movie was written by a 3rd grader who has obviously never seen an episode of Project Runway. The people on Project Runway are fascinating, driven, eccentric, talented, focused and cuthroat. The people in Devil Wears Prada are just assholes; selfish, unfunny assholes. But that speech about "cerulean", oh that speech, it illustrates what the movie could've been if the person who wrote that speech had been allowed to write the entire script.

PS I've seen about 12 movies I haven't written about. That's how behind i got. Not that anyone cares but I'm enjoying keeping a record of every movie I see.

PPS: Hollywood did it again last friday. They released another batch of movies I would pay NOT to see. You, Me & Dupree (not me), Little Man (uh, thanks but no thanks) I'm waiting on Miami Vice because I love Michael Mann. Collateral was my favorite film 2 years ago, or whatever year it came out. I saw it 5 times at the theatre. And of course I'll be there opening day for Snakes on a Plane! Sssssssssss

I Survived!

I went swimming in the ocean today and once again I'm happy to report I was not eaten by a shark. I wish I could swim in the ocean and not think about sharks the whole time. I firmly believe Jaws is the most powerful movie of all time because no other movie impacted the global psyche in such an intense way. I believe more people think and talk about this movie everyday more than any other movie. It is always with us. I remember seeing it for the first time. I kept looking down in my bag of candy whenever the scary theme music played. I've never shaken that terror. It is the scariest movie of all time, with the simplest most memorable theme music and the best movie poster ever. It is the greatest movie of all time. To this day, I am convinced that I will be eaten by a shark everytime I enter the ocean. Today, was not that day, thank God! But there's always next time.

Meet my brother!

This is Jay larsen. My brother. A man I love very much. An incredibly smart man. A talented artist. A loving father. A devoted husband. A great dog owner. He posesses a deep and varied intellect. He knows alot about everything. He likes to go fishing. Isn't he handsome????

Dancing at Trout's

Trout's is a famous redneck bar in Oildale, California. I can't believe a drag queen would go dancing there! She must be insane!

Adolph Kitler

There's a whole website devoted to cats that look like Hitler. Oh Lord!

http://83.136.68.93/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl?94

The Usual Suspect

The sudden death of Enron founder, Ken Lay, is one of those plot developments that audiences would reject if it were writtten in a movie or a play. I can hear the complaints in my head.

"We wanted to see him sufffer in prison!"

"I don't believe he would just have a heart attack right before his sentencing. That's so Hollywood."

"I sort of liked it, it's very dramatic. Not realistic but dramatic."

Myself, I wish he were still alive. I wish he hadn't bankrupted Enron and destroyed all those lives. I wish he would have made choices that would have put his life in a different direction, a positive direction. All that waste, all that destruction and poof, he's gone. Just like Keyser Soze.

ZZZZZZZZZUPERMAN

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...2 hours and 34 minutes looooooooooooong. Where's Batman when you need him?

Little Mr. Apricot Rules!

Finally, a celebrity arrives on the scene that I admire!!!!!! This story fills me with absolute joy!!! I ripped the story from Drudge who ripped it from CBS13.

Little Mr. Apricot Flips Off Crowd, Loses Title
(CBS 13) PATTERSON, Calif. A big brouhaha in Stanislaus County as a pageant winner in Patterson is stripped of his crown. Heather Hudgens reports it all started with apricots and a finger foul-up.

It was another weekend of royalty in Patterson, and the parade queens were on their best behavior.

“I would never do it, it’s not queen worthy,” said one of the queens.

What she's talking about is what happened last month at the Apricot festival, when the newly-crowned Little Mr. Apricot, 4-year old Matthew Burgos, raised his middle finger to the crowd!

At Mil's Cafe, now all the talk is what happened next, when Matthew was unceremoniously relieved of his crown. The reason - the unfortunate flip of the finger.

Matthew's mom understands why the apricot board took Matthew's title, but wishes some townsfolk would just get over it.

“I think it is ridiculous, I mean he’s four years old,” she says.

CBS 13 asked the Patterson Apricot Fiesta Board to comment, they would not, except to confirm the story. First runner-up Michael Montiel will now assume the role of Little Mr. Apricot. Matthew doesn't even know he's been stripped of the title. His mom and dad say he likely wouldn't understand, anyway.

Is the glass half full?

Long story short: my glasses broke. I went to Lenscafters but it was too late to have an eye exam for the day and since I haven't been back in 3 years they said I had to have an eye exam before they issued me new glasses. It was annoying. They also said they didn't make my frames anymore. Of course not! Why would they?

I needed glasses! I couldn't wait! Mind you, I'm not blind or anything, well metaphorically maybe but not literally but still...without my glasses everything just feels a little soft.

So I get this brilliant idea to go to Rite-Aid and find some glasses and pop the lenses out and super glue my lenses to the new frames because, of course, I didn't expect the lenses to pop in the new frames. Luckily, I took Dr. Horwitz with me to the store and while I was stupidly shopping for super glue she was popping out lenses and squeezing my old lenses into new frames. And just like magic, they fit perfectly! Thanks Doc!

So instead of paying 400 at Lencrafters I now have "new" glasses from Rite-Aid for 12.99. I'll still get new glasses this week cause I think these make me look like one of those desperate-to-be-hip-retro-gay-guys.

I'm desperate, but not to be hip!

So what do you think of my new glasses???