Memo to Lance, Mel and Michael

Dear Lance Bass,

How brave of you to come out of the closet. I am so inspired. You risked so much. For instance, you risked...uh...well, I'm sure you risked something but I can't think of anything right now. And how noble of you to come out at the height of your fame as a member of that hot singing sensation, The Backstreet Boys. Can you please call up Mr. Hayes now and tell him to come out, too. I'm sure he would love to be on the cover of People by himself without having to share the spotlight with Will, Grace and Karen.

And thank you, too, for enforcing the stereotype that gay men live in fear. I wish when you came out you would have said, "being gay is no big deal...I just happen to be super-famous and super-cowardly and even though everyone already suspected I was gay I thought it was cool to play coy and enforce the stereotypical notion that homosexuality is something to be hidden and denied." That's what I wished you had said.

Love,
Ronnie



Dear Michael,

I am your number one fan this week. Thank you for owning your actions and being a proud sex addict. I like to point out that all human beings on this planet are the result of people fucking. Sex is good and public sex is hot and fuck those bastards for trying to shame you for doing something that millions of people do all the time. Whether a straight guy gets a bj in his car from his girlfriend or a gay guy has sex in a park after midnight it's all good in my eyes and don't let the media tell you otherwise. As long as it's between consenting adults and it's safe sex it's fine by me. Thank you for your honesty and for standing up for yourself. You could teach Mel Gibson a few things.

Love
Ronnie



Dear Mel,

I don't believe that people get drunk and say things they don't mean. I think they get drunk and say things they do mean. I'm disappointed in you not for driving dunk, not for claiming, "you own Malibu", not for disrespecting the cops and not for being anti-Semitic, of course your behavior was despicable, but what truly disappoints me is the way you cleverly write a letter denying who you really are. That letter smacks of being written by you, your lawyers and a great publicist.

I simply don't believe you, Mel. I think you're a liar. I believe you do think you own Malibu and I believe you do think Jews are the source of the worlds problems. Own it man! Stand up for what you believe and deal with the consequences. Take a lesson from George Michael and tell your publicist to shut the fuck up. Be a mencsh, Mel. (that's Yiddish for admirable) Own your opinions. What if you came out today and said, "you know what, it's true, I don't really like Jews and you know what, I do think I own Malibu. Yes, I shouldn't drink and drive but I'm Mel Gibson, I can do whatever the fuck I want cause I'm rich and I'm famous."

What if you had said that instead? Just my two cents. Have a great week.

Love
Ronnie