A Johnny Mathis Christmas

My friend and I go see Johnny Mathis in Vegas last Wednesday. The concert is awesome.

Three days later I'm at my parents for Christmas. I tell them about it. My mother, who is dying of cancer and can't get out of her chair, says, "I would love to have seen that. I want that song, Somewhere My Love, played at my funeral."

I download the song and we listen to it.

She sings along. She tears up.

The next day we watch old home movies from 10 years ago. In the movies my mother is bouncing around the house, full of energy.

Life is short and unpredictable.

I learn that painful lesson again and again.

Seducing Mormons

Fiddler on the Roof is my favorite Broadway musical of all time. It's also my father’s autobiography once you change Judaism to Mormonism. If you don't know the story of Fiddler on the Roof, it's basically about three daughters who disappoint their dad.

My dad is a Mormon, a die-hard Mormon. He's a great man. He's intelligent, loving, caring, thoughtful, generous and completely committed to his faith. All he wanted out of life was for his kids to grow up and stay in the church. Well, guess what? None of us did.

Over the years he's learned to accept it, but it has broken his heart.

For me, it was never in my blood, because I was adopted. My birth mother requested that I be placed in a Mormon home, and my parents used that over the years to try and convince me that I belonged in the church, but it didn't work. I have since met my birth mother, and she is anything but Mormon.

My birth mother is this amazingly loving creature who loves beer, cigarettes and hearing about my sex life. She is the opposite of the family that raised me. She just likes Mormons, and she wanted me raised by good people, and Mormons are certainly good people. Fuck you, they are.

How many Mormons are on death row? When was the last time you worried about being mugged by a Mormon missionary?

My brother and sister see it differently. They have a lot of anger toward the church. They were both kicked out by the church elders for being sinners. My brother was living in sin, and my sister was sleeping around.

For some reason, I was never kicked out. I guess the Mormon leaders have never Googled me. Technically, I think I'm still on the Mormon record books as a member. I sort of like it actually. The playwright who wrote Making Porn and Cocksucker: A Love Story has still not been excommunicated from the Mormon church.

I stopped going to church when I moved out at 17 and never went back. I didn't struggle, I didn't feel guilty, I just stopped going cause I no longer had to. I had moved out and was on my own. I found spirituality in the theater. Ushering Broadway shows at 17 was the closest I've ever felt to heaven.

It's funny, I don't smoke or drink and my friends tease me that I'm still a practicing Mormon, but I remind them that practicing Mormons don't suck cock, thank you very much. The closest I've been to Mormonism in the past 17 years was the Jell-o I made last week. Mormons love Jell-o. Every Mormon potluck has five types of Jell-o. I've secretly pondered going back to church just for the potlucks, and to see how many straight Mormon men I could seduce, but I hate wearing a tie.

So for Christmas next week I'm giving my dad what he truly wants. I'm going to church with him again. I have a nice suit I bought nine months ago that I've never worn, so I figure this will be a good opportunity to break in the suit and make my dad extremely happy in the process.

I love my dad. I worship my dad. I truly do have the greatest dad in the world. So next Sunday I'll be at his church, sitting next to him and making him feel for at least one day that hope exists. I'll go and I'll enjoy it. I'll study the people, I'll be intrigued by the silliness of organized religion, I'll check out the latest Mormon fashions and my dad will feel that I've taken one tiny step closer to giving him the one thing he's always wanted, the one thing he will never have.

Murderball

What a great year for documentaries.

I saw The Aristocrats, Grizzly Man and March of the Penguins in the theater, but I missed Murderball and just now caught it on DVD. Man, this movie is awesome.

It's about guys who play quadrugby; rugby in wheelchairs. It's a fascinating movie about the game, the lives of the players and the experience of being a serious athlete in a wheelchair.

These guys are badasses, constantly knocking the shit out of one another and swearing like sailors.

The movie even delves into their sex lives and how they do it. "Most guys in wheelchairs love to eat pussy," says one.

It's a great film. I cried more than once, laughed out loud and learned a lot! Rent this movie! Rent it now!

My Cheating Heart

Maybe because I was raised Mormon I struggle with polygamy. I simply can not be faithful to one, It's not in me.

I love you New York and I love you L.A. and I love you both equally but I simply can not commit to just one of you. I'm sorry, I know I'm a flake but you're both so amazing yet so different and I need you both.

Nothing compares to the glorious weather of West Hollywood. Never too hot, never too cold, just perfect. West Hollywoood weather is an addiction for me that I canot explain to anyone who has never experienced it. I am simply never uncomfortable in L.A. But that's the problem

L.A. you seduce me, you comfort me but you don't challenge me. You don't disturb me. In my car with my air freshener I am deprived of those delicious and disgusting smells that only New York can offer.

New Yok I hate your weather. I put on a t-shirt and it gets cold so I put on a jacket and then I'm hot. The coldest night of my life was watching your balls drop on New years Eve. I will never forget the cold of that night but I will also never forget the excitement.

L.A., we have never spent an exciting New Years Eve together, a least not one that I remember. On the other hand you've never given me frostbite, but you do give me valet parking and New York will never give me that. The joy of pulling up to the Grove to see a movie and having my car parked for me is a pleasure I can not live without but it's not enough to keep me in L.A. year round.

So, I have decided to continue seeing you both. I hope you understand.

I simply love you both and can not choose so please don't make me. I will however promise you both that I will no longer have affairs with other cities like Washington DC, Chicago, Atlanta or Boston. Those affairs were interesting but I'm done playing the field. If I'm not in New York I'll be in L.A. and if I'm not in L.A. I'll be in New York and I hope you both will keep me until death do us part. I'm a two-city boy now. Period. Let the future begin.

Brokeback Mountain

It's 7 am. Six hours ago I left the theater where I saw Brokeback Mountain and I can't shake the devastation I feel for Ennis del Mar (Heath Ledger). I am so fucking sad. I want to discuss the movie and tell you what I liked and what I loved and what I thought of the script and the direction, but all I can think about is the sad, lonely, conflicted face of Ennis del Mar.

I won't even tell you how great I thought Heath Ledger was because i didn't see him tonight. I only saw Ennis del Mar.

Jake Gyllenhaal was wonderful in the role of Jack Twist, but I am haunted by the sad, loving and angry life of Ennis del Mar.

I need to see this movie again before I can really put my thoughts together.

Also, I don't think you should know too much about the movie before you see it. And you should see it. Soon.

Aeon Flux

Moviegoing is an unpredictable activity; maybe that's why I love it.

The reviews for Aeon Flux are horrible, the box office is disappointing, yet I had a great time, proving once and for all that I have no taste and you should stop reading my blog.

Admittedly it's easier to like a movie when one goes in with no expectations, but I'm sincerely surprised this movie has been so roundly panned.

It's lovely to look at. The plot is interesting. The actors are fine. There is nothing wrong with this movie. I was completely entertained. The pacing is brisk, the violence is well-staged, the stunts are cool. Was it the best movie I've seen all year? Of course not. But was it the worst movie I've seen this week? Nope, Rent still holds that title.

Is Adam Pascal the secret love-child of Tim Curry?

I saw Rent tonight and all I could think of every time I saw Adam Pascal was how much he looked like Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror.

Rent was by far the worst movie I saw this year. I almost left after 5 minutes. I hated every single thing about it except for the 30 seconds Sarah Silverman was on screen and the "movie footage" from Marks movie was interesting.

To read more about this horrible nightmare of a film check out my movie review blog: The Cineplex Addict

All Hail Ali G

I'm putting this in movie reviews because the best acting I've seen all year is by Sacha Baron Cohen, the actor who plays the characters Ali G, Borat and Bruno on Da Ali G Show for HBO.

The first two seasons are out on DVD and I''ve just gotten around to watching them.

This man is fucking brilliant.

I know, I know, I'm behind the times. He's a big star already, everyone loves him, blah blah blah, but I've just discovered him and I'm awestruck. I'm gonna go so far as to say that Da Ali G Show is the most important entertainment I've seen all year.

He blows our society to bits. He uncovers a moral hole in this country and exposes things that are so painful and disturbing that all you can do is howl in laughter. He hits hard. I watch it and my mouth falls to the floor in disbelief.

He gets an entire room of ordinary, middle Americans in a country-western bar to sing an anti-Semitic song about killing Jews while they clap along and laugh and hoot and holler and I truly don't believe they understand what the fuck they are singing. The subtext seems to be, Americans aren't racist, they're just fucking stupid. Which is scarier? Racist people or people too stupid to know racism when it slaps them in the face?

He then plays a gay character and in some scenes convinces other "fabulous" gay people to lie and change stories so that they too can seem even more fabulous on camera. He says to one fabulous asshole stylist to the stars to pick who is in and who''s out this year by telling the stylist to say,"Should they stay in the ghetto or off to Auschwitz." An "in celeb" gets to stay in the ghetto but an "out celeb" gets shipped to Auschwitz.

For example:

Bruno: Ricky Martin? Stay in the ghetto or off to Auschwitz?

Stlyist: Auschwitz.

Another subtext seems to be that Americans are sheep and all you need to herd them is a microphone and a camera.

He then visits pompous celebrities like Newt Gingrich, Andy Rooney and that horrible James Lipton from the Actors Studio and exposes them for the desperate media whores they are.

Why does Andy Rooney even agree to be interviewed in the first place? He gets plenty of airtime every Sunday night in front of millions of people.

This is important stuff AND on top of all that, Sacha Baron Cohen is an amazing actor. I'm rarely blown away by acting, but this guy is acting on so many levels. The characters he has created are over-the-top yet completely real. Totally unique and bizarre and yet totally human. It''s an amazing feat.

I remember the first time I saw a Charlie Chaplin movie and I was blown away by his physical flexibility and the combination of silly clowning and profound pathos. Seeing Chaplin for the first time was a revelation and I felt that feeling again while watching Da Ali G show. A unique, startling, hilarious and razor-sharp actor lives among us and his name is Sacha Baron Cohen aka Ali G.

Respekt.

Note: I'm uploading two clips on my Web site so you can see him in action. I hope i don't get sued, but you must see him in action. I'll even loan you my DVDs. Go to RonnieLarsen.com Movies

Walk The Line

I keep hoping to read in Variety that Walk the Line is only part one of a three-part trilogy about the life of Johnny Cash ala Lord of the Rings.

I really enjoyed the movie and I'm a big fan of Joaquin Phoenix but when it ended I was disapointed because I felt cheated.

They showed a third of his life. But I want the whole thing. I'm just greedy.

He marries June Carter and then what? Keep going.

Walk the Line is a lovely first third of a movie.

I wept in the first 10 minutes. The first ten minutes are perfect. As a young Johnny Cash walked down the dirt road on his way to join the military I balled like a baby. The movie never affected me as deeply as it did in the first 10 minutes but I stayed completely involved throughout.

I loved Joaquins performance. I love watching him. I still believe he should have won best supporting actor for Gladiator.

The concert sequence at Folsom Prison gave me goosebumps. His relationship with his father is heart-breaking.

And then the movie ends with some lame title card explaining that June and Johnny Cash lived happily ever after for 35 years, or something like that.

Bullshit!

Finish the film. Please, Hollywood. Finish the film!

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

One of the reasons I don't care for GLAAD, (the Gay and Lesbian media watchdog group) is that they so often just don't get it.

They look down when they should be looking up. They censor when they should let go. They criticise before they know the outcome. Case in point; they got a TV show pulled last year because it involved a homophobic guy who didn't want gay people living in his neighborhood. The show got cancelled but I read, in the end, the homophobe had a change of heart and they all lived happily ever after. I don't know the details exactly cause GLAAD protected me from having it on my television set. Thank God they are policing the airwaves so I won't be subjected to idiots who don't like gay people.

Take a memo GLAAD: Censorship in LA and NY scares me alot more than homophobia in the heartland. And yes I'm gay and yes I'm proud and yes I've been gay-bashed.

GLAAD celebrates movies that illustrate the pain and anguish of being gay. But when a truly important movie comes out like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, they completely ignore it.

Shane Black and Val Kilmer should be given GLAAD Media Awards at the end of the year but I promise you, they won't even be mentioned.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a huge leap forward for Hollywood. Val Kilmer plays one of the leads, a gay guy, in this big budget action movie by the creator of the Lethal Weapon movies and the homosexuality is no big deal. No one cares. He's gay, he's macho, he's intelligent, he shoots a gun, he's sexy and he's the star of the fucking movie and not one gay person i know has even mentioned this film.

Is it my favorite movie of the year? No.

Is it the most important gay movie of the year. Absolutely!

Brokeback Mountain wll be showered with awards and reinforce the stereotype that gay people live quiet lives of desperation.

It's an old story that I'm tired of hearing.

But for gays, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the truly important event movie this year because the homosexuality in it is such a non-event! Kudos to Shane Black and Val Kilmer.

Rent

I love musicals. I love New York. I love the East Village. I've been a starving artist. I dress up in drag sometmes. I've lost dear friends to AIDS. I know many people, actors and friends who are HIV positive. A close relative of mine lost a few years of her life to drug addiction. I've gone to self-help meetings. My last name is Larsen.

I SHOULD be able to find SOMETHING in this musical to connect to and appreciate, but I can't. I hate the material. I hate it. I hate the lyrics, I hate most of the music, I hate the original musical and I hate this fucking movie.

I've been trying for the last 30 minutes to write this review and I don't know where to start.

I cringed thru every moment of it. I could write a frame by frame smackdown of everything wrong.

The only thing I liked in the movie, besides Sarah Silverman, who stole the movie for the two minutes she was on screen was the low-budget footage of the "movie" one of the characters, Mark Cohen, is shooting.

Maybe if the whole movie had been shot in that style and it was done as an abstract portrait of downtown and the songs played over the images, and all the actors were unknowns and looked like actual penniless-HIV positive-drug addicts living without electricity or running water in the East Village...maybe, just maybe I could have enjoyed it cause I did enjoy the rough footage but everytime one of those fresh-faced, well-scrubbed, costumed, polished Broadway actors opened their mouths to sing about the pain of life, I felt insulted.

HIV positive strippers on heroin do not look, dance or sing like Rosario Dawson. Filmmakers do not walk into 12 step meetings unannounced and start filming. Drag Queens don't walk around New York dressed up as if everyday is Wigstock. I live in NY. That movie is not NY. The whole thing is ridiculous, bizarre, juvenile and as the credits rolled I kept mutttering to myself, "Oh my God...Oh my God!"

This may sound like back pedaling but I'm glad Rent exists because I know it has brought tons of joy to millions of audience- members and the original musical launched careers of many talented people. And I'm truly sad that Jonathan Larson did not live to create more musicals and I have enjoyed films by the director of Christopher Columbus. BUT, having said all that, Rent is by far, the worst movie I saw all year.

No other movie this year was so wrong in so many ways. I literally can not think of another film I saw this year that felt like such a complete and total failure in every department. I love many movie musicals; Sound of Music, Chicago, Fiddler on the Roof, Cabaret. Each of those movies is approached completely differently but they all work on their own terms.

Rent fails and it fails hard and I sat through it. I wanted to leave, but I I didn't. I stuck with it and it's an experience I will never forget as much as I wish I could.

PS The Rent mug above is for sale for only 10 dollars on the official Rent website. Everyone should start their day with coffee in a cup from a musical about people dying from addiction and poverty. Delicious!

Oliver Stone Touched Me...

... While I Slept!



Oliver Stone was my alarm clock this morning. It's 7 am in the Village in NYC and I keep hearing someone yelling, "rooooolllling." "Action!" They are filming a movie about 9/11 and I'm trying to sleep. I look out the window and there are literally a hundred people milling around. They are filming a car driving a block. They film this for over two hours.

Rolling, action, The car drives a block. Cut Repeat. Over and over. I will never understand big-budget movie-making. Why does it take a hundred people to film a car driving down the block? I simply do not understand!

Michael Clarke Duncan was playing the doorman of my building. I didn't see him but my real doorman said they actually filmed a scene in my lobby.

By the time I had officially woken up for the day the production was already evaporating but the memories of it will haunt my building for ever.

"They shot that movie in this building!"

"I saw Oliver Stone filming right here on the sidewalk."

There is nothing more boring than watching a movie being filmed except maybe watching golf, but it's a story I will probably end up repeating for the rest of my life.

Once upon a time, on a cold November day in New York City, Oliver Stone woke me up with words, "roooolllling!" It was 7 am, I was fast asleep and...

North By Northwest

The plot: An advertising executive is mistaken for a spy and is pursued across the country while he looks for a way to survive. (plot description taken from IMDB.com)
______________________

It took me two months to watch this movie. I had it from Netflix for two fucking months. I'd pop it in, get distracted, turn it off, etc.

Finally, I turned off my phone, put away my computer and watched it from begininng to end and loved every minute of it.

It's a great ride. The shoot-out chase sequence on the face of Mount Rushmore had me clapping in my own living room.

I don't know why it took me 36 years to see this movie!

In the last scene, Cary Grant begins to make love to Eva Marie Saint as Hitchcock cuts to a shot of a big train entering a tight tunnel! Hot!

I also believe this was the first movie I have ever seen Cary Grant in. Is that possible?

Anyway...watch this movie, it's frigging awesome!

Syriana

Finally!

A movie for adults and adults only.

Not based on a comic book, not a glossy bio of a famous persons life and no Oscar-baiting performances.

Syriana is just a complicated movie about complicated adults, surviving complicated situations, in the most complicated places on the planet.

Did I follow every nuance? Absolutely not. Was it convuoluted? Yes, but we're talking about oil and the Middle East and Washington D.C. politics. Can anyone figure this shit out?

Syriana is written and directed by Stephen Gaghan, the same fellow who wrote Traffic, which I also loved. Well i didn't exactly love Syriana but it doesn't want your love. It wants your attention and I was riveted.

Stephen Ghagan is that rare Hollywood writer writing for adults and adults only. I felt like a grown-up while watching this.

I loved Batman and Willy Wonka earlier in the year but at the end of the day those are still comic books and candy.

Syriania reminded me that wether I pay atttention or not, important things are happening in the world and if I bury my head in the sand, I'm likely to wake up with an oil rig planted squarely on my back.