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Have a Nice Day

My uncle sent me this. It's better than the racist-monkey-Obama-pic he sent me last week. Do you think it's photo-shopped or real? I think it's real.

Happy Thanksgiving?

Turkey: So are you excited about Thanksgiving?

Ronnie: Hell no. I don't get it, I've never gotten it.

Turkey: You don't like turkey?

Ronnie: I don't like any food that takes 8 hours to prepare. I always thought it was a cruel joke played on my mother that for a "holiday" once a year she "got to" get up at 5 am and start making dinner. What fun that must have been for her! I get angry thinking about it. It's not good enough to just make dinner every day for your family! No sireee! For one "special" day in November you have to spend 8 whole hours making it!

Turkey: Maybe she enjoyed it?

Ronnie: Well I don't remember anyone ever asking her, "Mom, do you really want to do this? Seriously? Wouldn't you just rather order Chinese food?" She loved Chinese food. Thanksgiving is another holiday that has morphed in to a lovely day of torture. People stuck in airports and cars just so they can eat food with people they don't really like and eat food they can eat any other day of the year. You want cranberry sauce in February, eat it. Why wait for November? And why do you have to fly across the fucking country to eat an ugly slice of cranberry crap. Eat it by yourself in your own home if you need it that bad. It's a huge secret, but you're actually allowed to eat cranberry sauce year round. It's true! People just don't know that.

Turkey: I fear you have a black heart.

Ronnie: Imagine a day, once a year, called Corn Dog Day. And everyone travels miles and miles to eat corn dogs with their family:

"What are you doing for Corn Dog Day?" "Are you excited about Corn Dog Day?" "Hmmmm, I can't wait to stuff myself with corn dogs on, Thursday. We're going to her sisters house this year. She makes the best corn dogs!"

No offense, but I don't even like turkey that much. But if I wake up with a craving for turkey I'll go buy a turkey sandwich. I don't need a national holiday to eat meat.

Turkey: But, Ronnie, Thanksgiving is a day of thanks!

Ronnie: Everyday should be a day of thanks! Every moment should be filled with thanks. Do you know how lucky we are to be alive. Do you know how rare life is? Read "Rare Earth", it's all about how difficult it is for a planet to foster life and what a miracle it is that Earth worked out. I'm thankful everyday. I should have been aborted. My birth mother got pregnant at 14 in 1969. It would have been easy for her just to abort me and get on with her childhood, but she didn't. She carried me to term and gave me up for adoption to a wonderful family. I don't need a special day to remind me to give thanks. I give thanks every day. Life is a miracle. My life is miracle. I'm thankful. Happy Thanksgiving and all that. Now turn off the oven and enjoy your miraculous life, unless, of course, you actually enjoy cooking all that food. Do you really enjoy it? Be honest.

Beached Bees

Me: So how was your jog?

Myself: It's not a jog, it's a walk.

Me: A crawl.

Myself: Exactly.

Me: How was it?

Myself: Lovely. Yesterday I saw a dead bird and today I saw dead bees.

Me: How many?

Myself: Three.

Me: Three too many.

Myself: Exactly.

Me: What does it mean?

Myself: I don't know but it makes me very nervous.

Me: As it should.

Myself: The only good bee is a live bee.

Me: And what are they doing on the beach?

Myself: Resting.

Me: Dying. They're dying. I've never seen three dying bees on the beach before.

Myself: Don't think about it. Just focus on your iPod. Don't think about bad things. Pretend the world is fine and ignore the bees.

Me: Good advice.

Myself: So what are you gonna do today?

Me: Have sex. See a movie.

Myself: That's what you did yesterday.

Me: I didn't see a movie.

Myself: What did you do?

Me: I don't recall. But it was a nice day.

Myself: Who did you have sex with?

Me: Don't ask. It wasn't good. For the last year I've been seeing...

Myself: Blowing...

Me: Something like that. Anyway, I've been blowing this surfer. Big dick. He always comes over before he surfs. Very nice guy but I've never been to his place before so last night he calls me at 2 am and invites me over. So I go...total straight boy-surfer apt...surfboards in the living room and all that...I go upstairs, he's waiting in bed and he can't get hard...he seemed a little drunk...he said he went to a concert in San Diego earlier. Then after 30 minutes he says, "do you ever do coke?"

Myself: Ugh.

Me: Disgusting.

Myself: Tell me. So gross. Coke? What is it 1980? Grow up people.

Me: So now I just want to leave. I have no patience for drugs of any kind. Even poppers turn me off.

Myself: What are poppers.

Me: Google it.

Myself: So what happened next.

Me: More grossness involving a toy and lube and he was smoking cigarettes, a big piece of ash fell on his chest...his perfect chest...but it was a bad scene.

Me: So he wanted a toy in his ass?

Myself: The whole thing was just not good. And I've seen him for a year. Very cool guy. I thought I knew him. I'm not surprised actually. A surfer who does coke, big shocker, right? But the next time he calls me at 2 AM I won't be going over.

Me: I just really wanted to hear about your jog.

Myself: Walk.

Me: Walk. I'm glad you're walking.

Myself: I figure the least I can do is take a brisk, 30 minute, 2 mile walk once a day, don't you think. I'm stuck at 270. I haven't lost weight in two months.

Me: Have you tried?

Myself: No. People keep coming to visit me. It's hard to eat right and exercise with guests here. So no more guests.

Me: Not for a while!

Myself: So what do you have planned this weekend?

Me: Movies, sex, Wal-Mart. What about you?

Myself: Same.

Me: Cool, have fun.

Myself: You, too. Be safe.

Me: Always! Ciao.

For the LOVE of Goldfish!

Me: People like your Goldfish movie!

Ronnie: That's nice, huh? I get more fan mail for my Goldfish movie than I do for my gay sex comedies. Maybe I should focus only on Goldfish movies from now on. What do you think?

Me: How 'bout a gay sex comedy starring Goldfish.

Ronnie: How come we keep capitalizing the word Goldfish?

Me: I'm not sure!

Click here to watch the Goldfish movie:

Quicktime: http://ronnielarsen.com/aavideo/goldfishmovietheater.htm

Windows: http://ronnielarsen.com/aavideo/windowsmedia/A%20Goldfish%20Mourns.wmv

_____________

Hi, I just watched this video all the way through with tears in my eyes. I didn't know that Goldfish would mourn for each other, although I should know better. Whales, dolphins and any animal, mammal or not, can form an attachment to another - even a different species - so mourning it's loss would be a natural thing, in my opinion.
However, your video captures the sadness that is just radiating from the big Goldfish, it's absolutely heart breaking to watch.
I had a small dog that wept actual tears when his companion of 8 years died and was inconsolable (crying, not eating, not wanting to go out, etc.) for weeks until I finally broke down and got him a new companion. It was funny, however, that even with a new puppy in the house, he continued to mourn for the rest of his life (he died at age 16) for his first companion and would pick up his ears whenever I said her name, poor little guy.
But yes, all species have the ability to mourn, feel sad, get lonely, be happy and get excited - just like we do.
Your video was absolutely fantastic. To capture something like this on tape is wonderful even if it is heartbreaking.
How is the big one doing now?
Take care.
Peace,
Lynn

That Darn Cat!

Ronnie: Why do you hiss at me?

Cat: I want food.

Ronnie: You could be nice.

Cat: I hiss, you give me food. It's been working fine for over a year.

Ronnie: I need more. I want to touch you. I need you to touch me.

Cat: Well that's not what I want.

Ronnie: Then buy your own food.

Cat: Don't be a hater.

Ronnie: The other cats let me pet 'em!

Cat: They're basically sluts.

Ronnie: They love me.

Cat: They don't love you, they use you! You should hear what they say about you behind your back.

Ronnie: What do they say?

Cat: They call you faggot.

Ronnie: No they don't.

Cat: Fine, they don't.

Ronnie: Which one calls me faggot? The black one?

Cat: All of them. They all say, "Let's go to the faggots house for free food."

Ronnie: I don't believe you.

Cat: A true friend is one who tells you the truth, whether it's pretty or not!

Ronnie: Are you a cat or a fortune cookie?

Cat: I'm a little of both. That is my gift and my curse.

Ronnie: What the fuck does that mean?

Cats and Coons

This is the sad story of an angry and damaged cat. I've been feeding it for a year and half and it treats me like shit. Reminds me of some actors I worked with, but I digress. It comes by every night for dinner but will it let me touch it? No! It hisses at me if I get too close. Sometimes it hisses at me as way of reminding me it's dinner time. So rude. I keep thinking that one day the cat will let me in but if it hasn't happened after 18 months, I doubt it will. And now the other stray cats come over for dinner and they are all super friendly and they even come in the house but the sad bitchy cat still doesn't trust me. Sometime the cats hiss at each other over who has the right to eat the cat food I put out.

And recently there are a few slugs that must be able to smell the cat food cause after I put it out they start slithering up the wall to the porch and they crawl right into the cat food bowl.

It's craziness!

And now we've added a cat-food-loving raccoon to the mix. Did you know raccoons eat with their hands. Anyway, the raccoon reaches right into the bowl and scoops up the cat food.


And last night one of the cats chased the raccoon back into the bushes.

The raccoon is only slightly afraid of me. I want to befriend the raccoon but I know that's a fools errand. I was telling my big-city-friend Joseph about it and he says, "Raccoons? Aren't those the ones with big black eyes? I only know that because models aren't supposed to have raccoon eyes!" You big city folk crack my country ass up!

So below is a list of all the animals I've encountered since moving to my neighborhood in Oceanside.

Cats
Dogs
Raccoons
Sparrows
Crows
Hummingbirds
Dolphins
Squirrels
Sea Lions
Seals
Fish
Jellyfish
Pelicans
Seagulls
Fish
Spiders
Flies
Dragonflies
Cockroaches
Moths
Slugs
Possums

I'm sure there are more but I've forgotten. I always wanted to live on a farm and I think I may have gotten my wish.

Playing God

I've begun preliminary work on a documentary about people dealing with the death of a pet and people are submitting heartbreaking stories via e-mail. Some aren't sure they want to be in the film but they want to share their story with me. I'm honored. I got this one last night:

"I wish I had heard of you when I had to put my BELOVED pot belled pig down. I had had Harley ever since he was only 3 weeks old and had him 16 years. I had to plan every detail of his death because I wanted him buried on my property. He was a 300 pound pig which meant that he was not easy to put down nor was he easy to bury. I cried for weeks before and still do cry over the lose of him. My vet tried every concoction he could mix to put Harley down but nothing worked. He finally had to shot him. When the vet's gun would not work, my husband had to get his own gun to shot my dear sweet Harley two more times. I have had animals my whole life (I am 55) and nothing was as painful (and still is) has losing my Harley. You never really know if you are doing the right thing to put an animal down. It's kind of like playing God. I still have my doubts about if I did the right thing. Harley was to a point of not being able to walk anymore and he was blind and could not see where he was going. I know he will be the first one to greet me when I go home to be with Jesus. I would be interested in seeing your documentary when you have completed it."

4 Dolphins Shot to Death in Calif.

This is disgusting! These are the very dolphins that swim by house. What kind of piece of shit-human-being could shoot a dolphin?
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Four dead dolphins have washed ashore with fatal bullet wounds and fifth with lacerations on its pectoral fin, said authorities who have offered a reward for information on the slayings.

The long-beaked common dolphins were all discovered between Carlsbad State Beach and Oceanside Harbor between May 29 and June 5. Photos showed their normally sleek gray skin mottled and stained with blood from the bullet wounds.

"It's a horrendous thing that happened," said Mark Oswell, spokesman for the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration. "That someone would go out there and shoot four dolphins."

Necropsies revealed that the dolphins, which were healthy with bellies full of fish, may have been shot at the same time with the same gun. Four had between one and three bullets of the same caliber in the same part of their heads.

Federal officials say that nationwide, they normally get one report of a dolphin shooting a year. The last time San Diego reported such a death was five years ago. Before that there hadn't been one in the area since the 1960s.

"It usually turns out to be a fisherman," said Oswell, adding there have been cases when anglers take out their frustrations on dolphins and other mammals that eat their catch.

The agency is offering up to $2,500 for information on the deaths. If caught, the perpetrator could face civil penalties of up to $12,000 or a criminal fine of up to $20,000, as well as jail time.

Harassing or killing dolphins is a violation of the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972, a federal law that protects seals, sea lions, dolphins, whales and other marine mammals.

Baby Sea Lion?

I spent 30 minutes yesterday watching this baby sea lion (I think that's what it is) swim around the pier. It stared at me as much as I stared at it.

Snail Sex

Shark Art

I believe the above image is actually a piece of art. I don't know much about it but I stumbled across the pic on Google images and now I'm transfixed. I can't stop looking at it. The one below is actually a very famous piece by a controversial artist whose name I forget. If one of the goals of art is to fire up the viewers imagination then these two pieces succeed brilliantly. I can't look away.

Sea Lion Meets Oceanside

Last week a sea lion climbed out of the sea and into my "backyard", so I grabbed my camera and made a little video about it. The plot needs work but the actors are good. Enjoy!

Sunday in the Park With Ronnie

These pics are from the lovely Heartwell Park in Long Beach, California. I was driving back to Oceanside from LA and the traffic was so awful I decided to just pull over and do something, ANYTHING, while waiting for the traffic to die down. I ended up in this lovely little park. I actually used the bathroom, too, and no I wasn't cruising! I've included a pic of the actual toilet I sat on to do number 2. Thank God they had toilet paper! Now if only they had doors on the stalls!

Click here to see all the pics. Not bad for a camera phone.





Cick here to see the rest of the pics. And don't you think the ones below are extremely sexual?

Gasping For Air

I'm haunted by something I saw four months ago while watching the local fishermen on the Oceanside pier. The fisherman have white buckets and if you look inside you'll see what they've caught; sometimes the fish get released, others get eaten and some are used for bait.

This particular morning though, there was one little fish flopping around on the pier and people were simply ignoring it. I don't know who caught it or who threw it on the ground. I don't know why it wasn't thrown back or placed in a bucket but it was flopping around and no one seemed to care.

Well, that's not true, I cared, but it wasn't my fish.

I debated in my head the pros and cons of saving the flopping fish. I thought about buying the fish from the owner but I wasn't sure who the owner was. I was weary of winding up in an ethics battle with local fishermen over the treatment of fish. The fish continued to suffer while I stood there and debated with myself.

Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. I walked away and I have regretted the decision ever since. A simple scoop and toss from me would've saved the fish. I could've done something to save a life and I did not. The sight of that sad fish flopping around has haunted me. I was offered the opportunity to play God and I declined. I don't think the fish was aware I was watching it and I'm not aware of a God watching over me. However, if there is a God, I hope he feels as guilty as I do for just for standing by and watching. And in the future, If I come across another dying fish, I hope I will be better than God. I hope I will intervene.

Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus

(I've had this saved on my computer for a loooong time so I thought I'd share it all with ya'll. I stole it from The Onion. I actually did a monologue from Equus in high school speech competitions.)

Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus

January 25, 2006 | Issue 42•04

NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Second-grade students at Franklin Elementary School impressed parents, teachers, and fellow students with their recent production of Peter Shaffer's Equus Friday.

Alan Strang (Kyle Keever, 7) prepares to blind a horse (Kate Piper, 7).

The avant-garde play, described by audience members as "adorable," was originally produced in London in 1973. The story revolves around troubled 17-year-old Alan Strang, played by Kyle Keever, 7, and his encounters with his psychiatrist after he blinds six horses with a metal spike. The play focuses on the causes underlying a seemingly senseless act of violence, and forces characters and audience members alike to confront questions of responsibility and ultimate meaning.

"The kids loved it," teacher and director Michael Komarek said. "Once they stopped screaming about horses getting their eyes gouged out and realized that it was just a launching point for more complex ideas about alienation from the modern world, they rolled up their sleeves and dug right in."

Despite its truncated 30-minute length and shoestring budget, the production—which received a standing ovation from a sold-out crowd of 65 in the school cafeteria—attested to the resonant themes of Shaffer's play.

"They really made it work," said proud parent Melanie Keever. "The producers achieved a very convincing effect of real blood spewing from the agonized animals' eye sockets using Karo syrup and red paper streamers."

"It tasted good, too!" said Kyle Keever, who was unable to resist licking some Karo syrup off of his hands during the eye-gouging scene.

With only nine speaking roles, there was some concern that the children wouldn't all get parts. However, the dream sequence—in which therapist Martin Dysart appears as a gold-masked pagan priest ritualistically cutting children's hearts from their chests—enabled every member of the class to get some stage time.

There were several moments of unexpected levity, such as 7-year-old Cheyenne Behling's inability to pronounce "Agamemnon."

"I had fun," said Behling. "I got to wear a fake beard."

Calling the show a "real hoot," the audience cheered the players on as the psycho-sexual nightmare unfolded. Many said they were pleasantly surprised by the deft execution of several more mature scenes, such as Jill and Alan's abortive sexual encounter in the stable.

"I am so proud of Bailey," said Roy DeForest, referring to his 8-year-old daughter, who played Jill. "She saw me with my video camera while she was doing the scene, and she smiled like she was the happiest girl on earth. But then she hopped right back into character."

DeForest added: "She's a little Julia Roberts!"

The performance was not without glitches. Early on, during a scene in which Alan is simultaneously in Dysart's office and surrounded by horses in the stable, a child portraying a horse lost his mask. In the ensuing confusion and giggling, Keever forgot his lines and fled from the stage weeping. Luckily, Komarek was able to coax Keever back onstage, and the re-entrance was greeted with thunderous applause.

"When Kyle screamed, 'Kill me! Kill me!' there wasn't a man, woman, or child unmoved," Komarek said.

During the cookie-and-Kool-Aid reception following the play, many agreed that Gina Helms, 7, was adorable with baby-powdered "gray" hair. Others reflected on whether Behling's stumble was a Method-derived interpretation of Dysart's internal struggle, or merely a happy accident.

Proud grandfather Jeremy Friedman said the fluorescent lighting of the cafeteria and the construction-paper set honored the play's original minimalist staging.

"I had the pleasure of seeing Equus on Broadway in the mid-'70s, and was struck by the lack of props and the portrayal of the horses by human actors," Friedman said. "I felt that the freshness of those innovations was honored tonight—and the kids looked cute in their little outfits."

Friedman added that the way the cast sat Indian-style around the periphery of the makeshift stage was "exactly the way it was done in the Hopkins-Firth staging."

Komarek, however, had his thoughts on the upcoming spring play.

"I love awakening the passion for drama and storytelling in the children," Komarek said. "Nothing's been finalized, but I'm eyeing Aristophanes' Frogs. I love the dislocation of verse in the play's stichic passages, and the kids love animals."

Toys

a short play by
Ronnie Larsen

starring
Toys

Bunnies and Zombies

When did Easter turn into Memorial Day weekend? The gym was totally empty on Saturday though it was fun watching the rabbits play on the grass outside the gym while on the treadmill. My gym sits high on a hill and has big windows with a lovely view and lots
of rabbits and squirrels play on the grass outside. But anyway, I thought Easter was a holiday that lasted about 4 hours on Sunday morning. When I was a kid we woke up, got our baskets, ate candy and then went to church, just like we did on every other Sunday. But this weekend it seems to be a big getaway holiday weekend! So to celebrate Easter and the concept of resurrection I'm going to see the zombie flick, Grindhouse.

Girls & Toilet Seats!

A male friend sent this to me today and I must say, I agree. I've understood this constant female complaining about toilet seats. When I use a toilet I consider it my job to get the seat ready by either putting it up, putting it down or making sure it's clean! What's the big deal, ladies???

"Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

"

LOL

This picture, literally, made me laugh out loud for about 3 minutes. I'm not sure why? Maybe because I found it in the casual encounters section of Craigs List. Maybe the thought of this bird looking for a casual encounter cracked me up. Or maybe it's just a funny picture. I'm not sure but everytime I look at it I laugh out loud!

Have a great weekend!