Utopia

It's sad when a love affair ends. A year ago I blogged about my undying love for Los Angeles. I lived there for 12 years and sincerely loved it. I seriously LOVED LA. I would walk around and actively say to myself, "I love living in LA." I use to come to Oceanside on the weekends and once I stayed here for 6 weeks but I never dreamed I'd live here. Oceanside was always a temporary Utopia for me. I came, I loved it then I left. It was like a great mistress but I was dutifully married to LA and deeply in love. But something bizarre has happened. Since moving to Oceanside, I find LA to be an unbearable shit hole. LOL. I go back and I can't believe how people live there.

I left LA last night at midnight and it was like driving in the Indy 500. I literally felt like my life was in peril. People drive like they have a death wish and for 12 years I just put up with it like it was nothing. Insanity as a way of life. Luckily, I never had to endure a daily commute and mostly I was on the freeways at night but still I sat in my fair share of traffic. I'm sooo over LA. I don't miss it one bit. When I'm there I can't wait to get back to Oceanside or as I like to call it, Utopia. It's odd to think that at 38 years old, I may finally be home.

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This blog was inspired by something my friend, Joseph Manghise sent me:

How to drive in Los Angeles. Instructions for visitors:

+ The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

+ The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number.

+ If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

+ Watch carefully for road hazards such as: drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer, road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

+ GPS does not work in LA. None of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. All the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

+ Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Lily Tomlin vs David O. Russell

This clip is insane. I can't believe it! Oh wait. I can believe it. I've lived it. If any of you really want to understand the collaborative process in theatre and film, here it is. This shit goes on every fucking day. This is the stuff they never show on those stupid "making of" shows but this is truer to the reality of how "entertainment" gets made. And if Lily had won the Oscar she would have stood up there and thanked her brilliant director for "pushing her so hard." And if David had won he would have thanked the "tireless" Lily Tomlin for putting up with him. The next time you see and actor director saying "how much they loved working together" just think of this clip. And this my friends is why I've been on hiatus for a year and half because life is simply too short to spend your days trapped in rehearsals arguing with people. Peace!

Free Food Pt. 1: Doughnuts

My friend, Sally, sent me her latest video and begged me to put it on my blog. I love Sally but I fear she's not mentally balanced.

The Jiffy Lube Scams Continue

The Jiffy Lube scams never end. Why is this company not being named in a huge class action suit? The scamming is so systematic and widespread. This company really should be fined millions of dollars. The NBC investigation you are about to see uncovers scams 5 out of 9 times in a three month period. And that's just one customer. Imagine the countless numbers of people vicitmized by this company. It's totally criminal.
PS Thank you Cheryl Caswell for sending me this!


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To see my own scam experience with Jiffy Lube click here.

Trannie Panhandling

This is a video of two of my good friends, MzVicky and Sally, panhandling in Los Angeles. These girls are borderline insane and suffering from serious sex addiction but I love them both very much. Enjoy their video.

Fajitas and Bryan Singer

It was my second time at Fiesta Cantina in West Hollywood. The first time I was there was on a date and tonight I was there with my dear friend, Craig Fox. I love Craig. We wrote a play together and he's one of the few collaborators I've had that I wanted to continue a true friendship with after the collaboration ended. Working together on a script was a process I did not enjoy and as much as I love the man I vowed never to co-write a script again. Collaboration is hell. Period. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. I'm in awe of those TV writers who write as a team. So it's interesting to me that Craig and I are discussing working on a documentary together. I'm telling myself that collaborating on a documentary will be completely different than collaborating on a play. And yes, I know, I'm completely delusional.

Anyway, so Craig comes to town last night and we can't agree on which movie to see or where to eat. I told you we shouldn't collaborate. We decide to go to Fiesta Cantina. I had Fajitas there like three years ago on a date and they were excellent so off we go. My memory of this place whas that it was simply a restaurant. How wrong I was. It's, supposedly, some kind of happening, hip, gay, watering-hole, hang-out. Who knew? The gays love it. They come, they drink, they hang out.

However, I don't enjoy hanging out where huge groups of gay men are drinking and discussing their faux-hawks. It's not my idea of entertainment. So after my fajitas were consumed I was ready to leave. But then an actor I worked with a long time ago in Chicago (Brendan), comes flaming across the floor and we begin to catch up. He's amusing as always even though he thinks Romy and Michelles High School Reunion is a cinematic masterpiece. "I don't like action and stuff he says." Of course not Brendan, if you did you wouldn't be hanging out every night at a Taco Stand, but don't get me started.

Brendan told me he actually wrote a TV pilot for his college thesis based on his experiences being in one of my plays. He says he portrayed my producer, Caryn Horwitz, like Charlie on Charlies Angels, "You never see her, you just hear her on the other end of the line, smoking, drinking diet coke, and yelling at the dogs to BE QUIET!"

Brendan was amusing but I get bored quickly. I was about to leave when in walks the director of Superman Returns, Bryan Singer. Watching him enter was like watching a gay version of the HBO show, Entourage. I actually admire Mr. Singer. I loved Usual Suspects and was truly fascinated by the X-Men movies. Also he's openly gay, which makes me happy on some level. I was bored by Superman Returns but that's a different story. Anyway, a little buzz starts.

"Bryan Singer's here."

"Who's Bryan Singer?"

"Is he the guy in the hat?"

"No, the other guy."

"He directed Superman."

"Ohhhh."

"Bryan Singer's here."

"Who's that?"

"He directed Superman."

It goes on like this for a while.

So, heres the deal. I'm very curious to know what Mr. Singer thought of X-Men 3. He directed the first two but left in some dispute to go do Superman and now X-Men 3 has out-grossed Superman but the reviews weren't as good as the first two, blah, blah, blah...But I'm still curious to know what he thought of it.

So this crazy homeless woman comes up to me and begs for money. So I give her two dollars to do me a favor...

"I want you to go over there and say, "I need to talk to Bryan Singer." Then I want you to ask him what he thought of X-Men 3."

So she takes the money and I see her go over and she starts yelling, "Who's Bryan Singer? Where's Bryan Singer. I need to talk to Bryan Singer."

He's standing right next to her but he ignores her and one of his entourage talks to her. She comes back to me and reports that Bryan Singer isn't here and then she asks for more money. I tell her they're lying and I give her two more dollars to go back and she does go back and I can hear her saying from across the bar. "Where's Bryan Singer???"

She's over there for a long time talking to the entourage.

Then she comes back with a second report.

"He already left."

I say, "he didn't leave cause he's standing right there, but don't worry about it." And I give up.

I still don't know what Bryan Singer thought of X-Men 3 but I do know he hangs out with a lot of guys who use a ton of hair products.

And that was my night: Fajitas and Bryan Singer. Welcome to LA!

Hip Bowling

Went bowling on Friday with my boyfriend and my best friend. I kicked their asses. LOL. We went to Lucky Strike at Hollywood and Highland. It's very chic and retro and neon and oh-so-hip. (see picture above, that's it) I got a strike on the first try. I'm a very erratic bowler. I either get strikes or it goes right in the gutter. Wait, am I discussing bowling or my theater career?

Black Belt Road Rage

I haven't blogged in a week or so but I did make this video last week featuring Joshua Feinman and myself. Enjoy!

Porn=Liberty

Find out how by watching the video.

Crash

Crash claims to be about race but it's really about gun control. Take the guns away and you have no story. Guns move the story forward not race. Race is the subplot. The tragedies that unfold in the movie are the result of too many people with too many guns using them too easily. Take away the guns and you just have a movie about frustrated Angelenos. Add the guns and you have a movie.

But therein lies the problem, this movie pretends to be about ordinary people but i have never touched a gun, seen a gun, used a gun or been threatened with a gun. Oh actually, that's not true, I once dated a cop and he let me hold his gun and take a picture, but I digress.

I had heard that Crash was polarizing audiences. Well it polarized me. I absolutely LOVED it and I absolutely HATED it.

Everything I loved about it I also hated so that must mean this is a very important movie, indeed. No movie has ever affected me this way.

I loved the plotting, the coincidences, the surprsises.

I hated how conveinently plotted it was, everything fit so perfectly.

I loved the bold discussion of race and class.

I hated the simplistic approach to racial issues.

I loved the slick photography.

I hated how glossy the movie looked.

I think Crash is an extremely important movie, EXTREMELY, but it feels cheap somehow. Too easy. Too simple. Everyone is racist. True! But why????????????????

Why should the makers of Crash be rewarded for telling us what we already know? Well for one, Ronnie, they should be rewarded because they explored a taboo subject and made a very entertaining movie. I agree, but I need more. Why is everyone racist????? Why????

Hopefully, they'll make a sequel.

My Cheating Heart

Maybe because I was raised Mormon I struggle with polygamy. I simply can not be faithful to one, It's not in me.

I love you New York and I love you L.A. and I love you both equally but I simply can not commit to just one of you. I'm sorry, I know I'm a flake but you're both so amazing yet so different and I need you both.

Nothing compares to the glorious weather of West Hollywood. Never too hot, never too cold, just perfect. West Hollywoood weather is an addiction for me that I canot explain to anyone who has never experienced it. I am simply never uncomfortable in L.A. But that's the problem

L.A. you seduce me, you comfort me but you don't challenge me. You don't disturb me. In my car with my air freshener I am deprived of those delicious and disgusting smells that only New York can offer.

New Yok I hate your weather. I put on a t-shirt and it gets cold so I put on a jacket and then I'm hot. The coldest night of my life was watching your balls drop on New years Eve. I will never forget the cold of that night but I will also never forget the excitement.

L.A., we have never spent an exciting New Years Eve together, a least not one that I remember. On the other hand you've never given me frostbite, but you do give me valet parking and New York will never give me that. The joy of pulling up to the Grove to see a movie and having my car parked for me is a pleasure I can not live without but it's not enough to keep me in L.A. year round.

So, I have decided to continue seeing you both. I hope you understand.

I simply love you both and can not choose so please don't make me. I will however promise you both that I will no longer have affairs with other cities like Washington DC, Chicago, Atlanta or Boston. Those affairs were interesting but I'm done playing the field. If I'm not in New York I'll be in L.A. and if I'm not in L.A. I'll be in New York and I hope you both will keep me until death do us part. I'm a two-city boy now. Period. Let the future begin.

Love, Death and Jason Alexander

I'm falling in love with a woman named Tracy. She is one of the genuises who works at the genuis bar at the Grove. She is soooo great and smart and can fix any problem. I hope they pay her alot. She radiates intelligence and she's very beautiful. if i were straight i would certainly have the hots for her.

i love the Grove. it is my favrite place in LA. See a movie, eat, go to the Apple Store, buy a computer.

Today i stood by the pond and talked to Adam Beckworth about the death of our dear friend Robert Young. We are both devastated by his death. We cried and cried and cried...

...as i was crying jason Alexander walked by and strolled into crate and barrel. Such an LA experience. He was a with a very elegant woman all in white who looked like an assistant. He strolled two feet in front of her. It seemed clear they were not equals. I actually met a guy on the internet who supposedly writes for that Jason Alexander sitcom..not sure if its still on the air...i met him and went to his house and blew him...he said "we know the show isn't good but oh well the craft services is amazing. They feed us well and everyone on the show is very nice." i asked him if he thought Jason Alexander thought it was a bad show. i don't remember his response. i remember now i also worked with an actress once who was a personal assistant to jason Alexander...she said it was the most anal retentive house she had ever seen...everything was labeled and catalogued and inventoried. So they always knew how many light builbs were in the house and etc etc etc. i seem obsessed with Jason Alexander, today.

i rarely see celebrities in LA. here are my sightings i recall...

Tyne Daly at Bed Bath and Beyond buying towels
Mark McGrath at Marmalade Cafe
Billy Crystal at the 3rd street promenade
Geena Davis at the opening day of Gladitor at the CineramaDome
Quentin Tarantino walking down the street holding a notepad
Quentin Tarantino at a press screening for Get Shorty
Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of Pecker
Judith Light after a performance of my play Making porn (what she was doing there I will never know)

Actually recently in DC a very conservative reporter for Fox news Channel came to see 10 Naked Men...i recognized him right away but no one else did. He came with a woman. They acted like they were a couple. Somehow i doubt they were. LOL
I'm thinking of alot more celebrities i've run into now...alot actually now that i think about it... but i'm too tired to write more.

Goodnight.