Portrait of an iPhone addict.

Faggot for 24 points. Online Scrabble is my latest obsession.

My first bet at the horse track. I bet 2 bucks on a horse called 6
pick abs and I won! Yeehaw!

IPhoning from The Grove!

Caryn says, "Cheers!"

Me and Matt Damon.

"Let sleeping dogs lie."

Tooooooooooo busy to blog!

My neighbor, the Marine.

The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

I gasped as I opened this image. I can't stop staring at it. I worship Tim Burton. Sondheim is a genius. Sweeney Todd is one of my favorite musicals. I am now, officially, totally excited about this movie.
PS I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm in the midst of moving across the street to a bigger place with a better view. I'm very excited but overwhelmed. Here are a few pics of the new house.

Video Blog: Bible Camp

Wal-Mart goes gay! Ellen greeting cards. Very interesting.

Bait Shop

I thought it would be amusing to hang a Bait Shop sign outside my window but now some people think I'm really running a bait shop. Last night a guy comes over and with a totally straight-face asks, "do you really sell bait?"

Sicko

I saw Sicko last week but I've been too busy to write about it which is really bad on my part because it's the most important, disturbing, heartbreaking, enlightening, and challenging film I've seen this year. It's scarier than any horror film and more serious than any drama. It's also the funniest film this year after Knocked Up. This film should be required viewing for all Americans. Even if you disagree with much of the film and there's much to be questioned in this film it's still a might important movie. Please go see it. Even if you hate Michael Moore, go see it. It's not about Michael Moore, it's about ALL of us. I cried at least 5 times and spent much of the movie shaking my head in disbelief. It's riveting stuff. Go see it. Go! Go! Go!

Free Food Pt. 3: Caviar

Dinner: Soup Plantation

Google Quote of the Day

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
- David Richerby

Hello AT&T

As much I like Verizon, I like Steve Jobs much, much more. I'm a Mac addict, no doubt about it. I debated about waiting for the next version of the iPhone but the pull was just too much. So now my life is finally complete. Above is the first photo taken with the new phone. It's truly an amazing machine. Everything syncs up perfectly; all my Safari bookmarks, my contacts, my mail, my calender, my iTunes. I clicked on the YouTube button and ended up watching a clip from a British talent show with Simon Cowell. I'd heard about this clip, it features a salesman with bad teeth who sings opera. As I watched it I wept like a baby, it was the perfect beginning of my new relationship with my phone; tears of joy. But of course, we Americans love to complain so here are the problems so far:

1. No flash/light for taking pics in the dark, at least not that I found yet.

2. No instant messaging, but I already knew that going in.

3. It reads all my old mail as new mail, so the counter keeps telling me I have 25 new e-mails even when I don't. I'm sure there's a way to fix that.

4. It seems to have a limit on how many favorites you can have in your phone book and there's no speed dial thing but all my contacts are still in there it just takes an extra step, no big deal, really.

5. Ummmm, I can't think of anything else, but I'll keep you posted.

Enjoy the clip below:

Free Food Pt. 2: Fanta

Memento and Christopher Nolan

It took me a week to get through Memento on DVD but I really, really liked it. I hate watching movies at home. I don't concentrate and/or fall asleep. I'm always on the computer so I sort of half-watch the TV. For instance, right now I'm watching The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. John Wayne is so good, I love him and Jimmy Stewart is great as always but I'm not really watching it. I'm sort of listening to it. But you can't watch Memento that way, so I had to focus on it and I kept falling asleep, but I really did like it. And Christopher Nolan is a huge, fucking talent; Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, these are VERY entertaining films and I'm incredibly excited about the next Batman movie. I wish I could say the same about Spiderman.

It's fitting to be writing about Memento tonight, a film about tattoos, because as I write this, my neighbor is getting a big tattoo in his living room by a travelling tattoo artist. His living room has been transformed into a temporary tattoo parlor. Chemicals, tinfoil, blood, bright lights, it's creepy but exciting. Hi house looks like a David Fincher production. I keep going over to see the progress. The last time I went over, the tattooer was putting on a rubber glove and opening a jar of Vaseline. I said, "how funny, I was just doing the same thing in my own apt. less than an hour ago. If you run out of Vaseline, lemme know."

PS Does John Wayne say "pilgrim" in every movie? And the lighting in Liberty Valance is beautiful. It's like a film-noir-western. I must see more John Ford films.

1408

1408 is basically a play with amazing special effects. One man, alone in a hotel room for an hour, being attacked by ghosts, furnishings and bad weather. John Cusack does a very good job and the film never lags. I was completely involved the entire time, thank God!

Transformers

I'm tired of talking about whether movies are good or bad, I'm more interested in how they make me feel. While watching Die Hard I felt exhilarated, excited and involved; while watching Transformers I felt nothing. I felt numb. I didn't care. I wasn't amused. I wasn't involved. Did I hate it? No. Was it bad? I don't think so. I like Michael Bay, I do. I love The Rock, I think it's a perfect action movie. And I really like The Island though I think I'm the only one. (I actually saw it twice.) But Transformers did nothing for me either way, good or bad. It just didn't effect me. I could be cynical and say it was a dumb idea to make a movie about a toy but Toy Story 1 and 2 were thoroughly enjoyable films. So I know it's possible to make an entertaining film about ANYTHING and even robots have moved before; AI was a very lovely film. So where did Transformers go wrong? The only thing in the film that really excited me was the Bee-otch air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror of one of the cars. I still laugh when I think about it. Bee-otch. LOL Hopefully, that doesn't turn out to be the funniest moment of my summer movie-going experience.

Hot Shower starring Carolyn

Trannie Hitchhiking Pt. 5

cna yuo raed tihs

I'm dedicating this post to typo-afflicted bloggers everywhere. You are not alone.

________________________________________________

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in th e rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
________________

On a related topic, the documentary, Spellbound, is one of my favorite films of all time. I cry repeatedly every time I watch it. It's a funny, touching, inspiring, disturbing and complex film. Watch it!

Bye, Home!

Thank you, for everything!

Nice Arms!

Ride 'em Cowboy!

Goodbye Home, Hello July

Today's gonna be a strange day. I'm going to Bakersfield to say goodbye to my childhood home. It's been sold and starting next week my Dad is gonna start dismantling it and getting it ready for the new owner to move in 6 weeks from now. The thing that most disturbs me is the smell I fear I'll never smell again. One of the most comforting things I've ever known is walking into the house and being engulfed by the warm "home" smell that I've only smelled while in that home. I worry I'll never smell that scent again. It's another piece of my mother that will be gone. I'm sad but I know it's not realistic to keep a home so I can go a couple of times a year and smell it. I'll take my video camera and shoot my last moments in the house but, unfortunately, video doesn't capture scent. I don't know how I'll feel, exactly, but I'm not looking forward to it. And now I'm gonna go masturbate and fall asleep. Good night, happy Sunday and hello, July.

Playing God

I've begun preliminary work on a documentary about people dealing with the death of a pet and people are submitting heartbreaking stories via e-mail. Some aren't sure they want to be in the film but they want to share their story with me. I'm honored. I got this one last night:

"I wish I had heard of you when I had to put my BELOVED pot belled pig down. I had had Harley ever since he was only 3 weeks old and had him 16 years. I had to plan every detail of his death because I wanted him buried on my property. He was a 300 pound pig which meant that he was not easy to put down nor was he easy to bury. I cried for weeks before and still do cry over the lose of him. My vet tried every concoction he could mix to put Harley down but nothing worked. He finally had to shot him. When the vet's gun would not work, my husband had to get his own gun to shot my dear sweet Harley two more times. I have had animals my whole life (I am 55) and nothing was as painful (and still is) has losing my Harley. You never really know if you are doing the right thing to put an animal down. It's kind of like playing God. I still have my doubts about if I did the right thing. Harley was to a point of not being able to walk anymore and he was blind and could not see where he was going. I know he will be the first one to greet me when I go home to be with Jesus. I would be interested in seeing your documentary when you have completed it."

Showtime

Are white people allowed in to the Apollo Theater to watch Amateur Night. On occasion I watch at home but I dream of one day watching it live, however, I just realised now, while watching, that there ain't one white face in the crowd! Hmmm. Oh wait, I think I just saw an Asian. And now a white guy is performing a song made famous by a black guy...and now he's break dancing in front of a 99% black crowd. It's not a perfect world but it's a better world now than it was in 1950, no question.

Live Free Die Hard

Loved it. Loved every minute of it. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. Oh wait, I forgot, Kevin Smith was in it. Ok, I take it back, I didn't love every minute of it but I loved every frame that didn't include Mr. Smith. Actually, even Smith wasn't horrible, just distracting.

Anyway, I'm annoyed by the critics who say the the movie is too over-the top. I WANT my action movies filled with crazy, jaw-dropping shit. I want to say, "Holy shit", when I'm watching an action movie. Die Hard 4 is filled with insane action pieces that made me giddy and unlike Spidey and Pirates, I'll be seeing this one again for sure.

Thank you, Mr. Willis. And Justin Long was very good, too.

My First Fuck

Two of my favorite ladies, Caryn and Carolyn, descended on Oceanside this weekend and filled my little shack with love. Carolyn Anhalt, my first girlfriend 20+ years ago stopped in on her way to Italy, don't ask. We had a lovely swim, eat at the buffet and made a film about her 5 abortions. 2 hours of film should not be an easy edit but I'll get to it soon, I hope and you can all decide for yourselves if she's horrible for having had 5 abortions. Speaking of sex, Carolyn claims I was the first guy to fuck her but I honestly don't recall. I guess I'm a repressed heterosexual. Carolyn is a sexy creature and if I did deflower her, I feel honored that I was the first. After Carolyn left, my female neighbor wanted to know ALL about her. She thought Carolyn was hot and was interested in getting to know her better but that's the thing about Carolyn, she's elusive. Just when you think you've got her, poof, she's off to the next city. I know she'll be back. But not soon enough.

Here we are: then (1984) and now (2007).

Making Porn in Utah?

Bret,

I'm back home now. Zion was lovely. Truly. But I'm happy to be back in Oceanside, the Marines missed me! lol

Anyway, I think there was talk of doing Making Porn in Salt Lake City at some theater with the word Rose in it, Rose Waggoner, I think. But it was decided that the show would be too much for the city to deal with so it never came to be. But I've always had a secret fantasy of doing Making Porn in Utah and looking for "trouble" during the day.

Anyway, feel free to send your contact my way: Producer@RonnieLarsen.com

And by the way, what part of Utah do you live in? Did you already tell me this? And what did you think of 1408? And do you meet lots of Mormon men?

Pop Quiz

I loved taking this quiz even though I only scored 5 out of 10. My Phd friend, Caryn aka Dr. Horwitz, scored 6 out of 10 and my brilliant editor friend who edits MAJOR American magazines scored a 7 out of 10. See how you do! Take the quiz!

http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/departments/education_1/?page=quiz216&Quizid=216

Auditions

Do you live in Detroit? Wanna be in a play? I'm not involved so it should be lots of fun! LOL
___________________
AUDITIONS: Making Porn
Who Wants Cake? Theatre is pleased to announce that auditions
for The Ringwald's final summer season show, Making Porn, will take place on
Saturday, June 30th from 4-7PM. Auditions will be by appointment at The
Ringwald Theatre (22742 Woodward Ave, Ferndale).

For more information as well as to sign up for an audition time,
please visit our website's audition page at the Who Wants Cake? website:

www.WhoWantsCakeTheatre.com
__________________________

Ride At Your Own Risk

Thanks to Miss Horwitz for sending me this link to the most interesting/disturbing new Web site I've seen in a looooooooooong time. If you love reading about amusement park disasters you'll love this site! Thanks, Caryn!

http://www.rideaccidents.com/

Very Sad News

This was just sent to me from my good friend, Billy Masters of BillyMasters.com


IN a sad story, we ask all readers to pray for opera legend Beverly Sills. Two weeks ago, Sills had a routine check-up and was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer and given about a month to live. Amazingly, this woman went home and calmly started getting things in order for her children, along with taking care of other personal affairs. All the while, she told virtually no one of her diagnosis and prognosis.

That all changed a week ago, when she fell and broke two ribs. Hospitalized and in excruciating pain, doctors discovered that the cancer had spread to her thyroid, lymphnodes and lungs - as expected. From her hospital, she is still fighting, trying to make provisions for her daughter Muffy who lives with her, and battle some step-kids who are already sniffing around the estate.

A horrible kind of situation to bring you as an exclusive, but there you go. We'll keep you posted.

Free the iPhone!

Tell Steve Jobs: Unlock the iPhone!

Free the iPhone! Apple's new iPhone could be easily portable across wireless carriers -- but Apple has chosen to lock the phones to AT&T's network. Tell Steve Jobs to unlock the iPhone.

This weekend, Apple's new iPhone will debut with incredible fanfare. However, there will be an unpleasant surprise hidden in the fine print of the sales contracts. While the GSM technology used by the iPhone is designed to easily let users move their phones between wireless providers, Apple has chosen to lock their iPhones to AT&T's network for the foreseeable future.

This means that an iPhone purchased in the U.S. will only work on the AT&T network, regardless of what SIM card is placed in it. It cannot be taken to another provider such as T-Mobile, or taken overseas for use on networks in other countries.

Tell Steve Jobs: Unlock the iPhone!

Apple could use its influence to set an example and open up the wireless market. If Apple leads, we would all benefit from competition and reduced rates. Instead, Apple has chosen to lock iPhone customers in with AT&T -- a corporation whose practices seem to run counter to everything Apple stands for.

This is, of course, the same AT&T that enabled warrantless wiretapping and turned over consumers' phone records to the Bush Administration's National Security Agency. The same AT&T that is doing its very best to destroy net neutrality and create a "slow lane" Internet for the rest of us. And the same AT&T whose new Chairman's political donations are almost entirely to conservative Republicans.

Tell Steve Jobs -- Free the iPhone!

Back With A Vengeance

A loooong weekend with no no cell phone service, no wireless connection and no sex hardly sounds like a vacation to me. Not that I didn't enjoy myself; the cabin-house-monstrosity was HUGE and luxurious (and in the middle of nowhere) but the most "relaxed" I felt in the last 5 days was returning to my home and watching Meet the Press this morning at 5 AM by myself. I love my family more than I can ever express but "family" is a complicated thing.

My two sisters have men in their lives that strike me as less than stable and I have serious reservations about my Dads fiance. I spent 3 hours of the trip begging him to postpone his wedding but my Dad has never been swayed by my opinions. I believe he's making a huge mistake marrying this woman. I hope I'm wrong.

I write this cause I know my Dad, his fiance, and my two sisters don't read my blog but even if they did they wouldn't be shocked. I had a heated exchange with my Dad and his fiance and my sisters know I question their judgement when it comes to men.

There was a land line in the house that both my sisters' boyfriends managed to get and it rang constantly. Very annoying!

And my Dad's fiance asked me if I get lonely living alone and when I told her that I LOVE living alone and having my life exactly as I want it, she implied that I was self-centered. I countered with this:

"Everything we do is self-centered. The act of eating is self-centered. Sleeping is self-centered. Breathing is self-centered. It's your job as a human being to be self-centered. If you don't take care of yourself how can you ever be available for others?"

She countered with:

"I know a couple with no kids, just two dogs, their dogs are their kids. But who's gonna be there to take care of them when they get older?"

I thought to myself, "Is this why people have kids so that one day they'll have a caretaker."

I said, "What about kids who kill their parents or get on drugs and wind up in prison? Having kids is no guarantee of anything. It's a gamble. And not a gamble I'm interested in. I'm a great Uncle but I'd be a horrible parent and more people should realize they'd be horrible parents and get their tubes tied. The world doesn't need anymore bad parents.'

We went back and forth. Then we got into religion. Then she said something incredibly inappropriate about my mother and her relationship with us kids and then it got ugly. She started crying, which also grossed me out. I can't stand people who say insulting things and then cry when confronted. If you don't want to be confronted keep your damn mouth shut in the first place. I hope she makes my Dad very happy but I'd be content to never see her again. To be fair, she has some lovely qualities; she's outgoing, she dresses well, she keeps a clean house and she likes to laugh and ...she's really fucking bossy. Ooops. See there I go again.

I tried to ignore her on my way out the door but she stopped me and said, "Do I get a hug?" I sold-out and hugged her but had I been on my game I would've said, "Maybe next time." I won't even pretend to like someone who makes insulting comments about my Mother. And I doubt I will ever forgive her for what she said. She tried to apologize but I hate people who apologize for saying something when it's obvious they aren't sorry for what they said only the reaction it caused. I know she believes what she said and no apology is gonna smooth over the damage that she did. She was wrong to say what she said and I was right to confront her. My couples counselor once said, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy." I'd rather be right. My mother was a saint. And she loved and accepted all of her children completely. And anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves. If you want me to hate you, say something negative about my mother and my relationship with her. I dare you, say it. It might just be the last thing you say to me.

And how was your weekend?

Ranch Hands: June 21-27

I'm off for a 5 day adventure at a ranch in Utah. It should be interesting at the very least. I'm dating this post for next week so it stays at the top and I'll be sending in pics from my trusty camera phone over the next 4 days so, in a way, you'll be on the ranch with me. Giddy up!




UPDATE: NO CELL PHONE RECEPTION + NO WIRELESS SERVICE = NO PICS FOR THE BLOG. SORRY. BUT MY BROTHER TOOK PICS. MAYBE HE'LL SHARE THEM WITH ME! I SHOT VIDEO BUT IT WASN'T VERY INTERESTING. SO...OH WELL.

Do I Love Leslie Mitts?

For a brief while, 17 years ago, Leslie Mitts and Ronnie Larsen were married. This is short clip of them singing to each other.

Leslie, is this crazy or what??? Can you believe it's been 17 years? How the hell are you? I miss you, Golde.

Trannie Hitchhiking Pt. 4

Trannie Hitchhiking Pt. 3

Hostel Part 2

My negativity continues:

Yes, I hate Fantastic 4, On The Lot, and I was bored at Spidey 3 but Hostel REALLY pissed me off. Eli Roth, the director, is under some delusion that he is "the future of horror" and that his movies are cutting edge, super graphic and shocking. Hostel 3 is none of those. Hostel 3 is stupid and that is all. Mr. Roth seems to think his film is shockingly original because:

A. In the big climax of the film a man gets his penis cut off and a dog eats it.
B. A man gets his head cut off and a cat drinks the blood.
C. A naked woman gets covered in the blood of another women.

Still awake?

This movie is not scary, it's not gross, it's not shocking and it's not disturbing. It wants to be all those things but in the end it's simply boring. Hopefully, the box office failure of Hostel will insure there will not be another one. Hopefully!

Oh Spielberg!

I saw a great summer movie yesterday; most entertaining film I've seen all summer. Unfortunately, it was Jurassic park and it was on my TV. What a perfect piece of entertainment! They should re-release it tomorrow on the big screen so EVERYONE can remember how a summer blockbuster is supposed to be made!

I worship Spielberg, period, but seriously, can we be honest? On The Lot is a miserable failure. The filmmakers are boring, delusional and arrogant. What a sad combination in an artist. I may be delusional and I can be arrogant but I'm rarely boring. To be all three is quite an achievement. Better films are produced on YouTube everyday by 13 year-olds with camcorders. The commercial breaks are more entertaining than the show itself. How did this disaster happen? And when will it go away? The only time the show came to life was when Michael Bay ripped them all new assholes last week. And speaking of Michael Bay, the Transformers trailers are kicking my ass. I can not wait. Please, God, let this movie deliver!

But back to On The Lot: How can a TV show about filmmaking be less interesting than shows about cooking (Top Chef) and dress design (Project Runway). The clever people at Bravo should be producing this show, but sadly, they are not.

Fantastic 4

Q. The end of the world is near so what do the Fantastic 4 do for the first half the movie???

A: Plan a wedding.
B: Complain about how hard it is being a superhero.
C: Go dancing.
D: Try to get laid.
E: Bicker with each other.
F: Bicker with the military.
G: Watch themselves on Access Hollywood.
I: All of the above.

Ironically, the answer is I, all of the above.

Ironic because "I" is really all the Craptastic 4 care about: themselves!

In this piece of shit film, the Fantastic 4 are written and acted as completely self-centered, shallow, idiots! Who decided it was wise to let superheroes act like assholes for large chunks of their movies? First, we were subjected to Spiderman shopping for hip clothes and showing off and now we have the Fantastic 4 where a hero doesn't want to fight crime because he's wearing Dolce and Gabana. I'm not making this shit up.

Chris Evans is unbelievably HOT and that is ALL this movie has going for! What a total pile of shit! And yes, Virginia, sadly enough, there will be another Fantastic 4 sequel. Pray they hire Christopher Nolan next time!

Ode to Dave Matthews

Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me


How does a driver with a permanent neck brace look over his shoulder to make sure the coast is clear? Even in his drivers license he's wearing the neck brace. He was a very nice person but now I have a big dent in my car. He has Geico, so I guess I'll be having a conversation with a talking lizard tomorrow. And life goes on.