A Ten Foot Pole

We've all heard the expression, "I wouldn't fuck you with a ten foot pole!"

But I've never heard anyone say, "I WOULD fuck you with a ten foot pole.



God, bless the internet. I have now officially seen it ALL.

2 Gay: Liza With a Z/Cruising

I just had the gayest TV night ever. I watched Liza With a Z on DVD and the Al Pacino film, Cruising.

These movies were so gay it made me feel straight.

Liza With a Z is...I can't even find words to describe it. It was like a time capsule from 1972 exploded in my living room. I'm not one of those queens obsessed with Garland, Liza, Streisand, etc., but I love a good drag show as much as anyone else and watching Liza With a Z was like watching a great drag show choreographed by Bob Fosse. Also on the DVD is a Q and A from the Toronto Film Festival where a beaming female fan says to Liza, "I believe you and your Mom Judy Garland were the two greatest performers ever." Liza looks shocked and says, "Were???" Liza then goes on to explain that she wears sequins so you can't tell when she's sweating. Most interesting though is a conversation between composer John Kander and Liza where an uncomfortable Kander looks like he's putting up with his crazy Aunt at a family reunion.


Cruising is a movie about the search for a gay serial killer, I think. It takes place in the "gay S&M underworld". I mean it takes place in some retards version of a gay S&M underworld. In my favorite scene Al pacino is in a leather bar wearing a gay handkerchief in his back pocket. This is to indicate that he's into watersports. Another guy wearing a yellow hankie approaches Pacino and say, "Are you into watersports?" Pacino says, "No. I just like to watch." The pissed off leather queen yells back,"Then take the yellow hankie out of your back pocket, asshole." This movie really sheds light on how frustrating it must've be to find people to pee on you in 1980. Ultimately, the movie is incredibly confusing. The killer is played by different people and there's a "twist" at the end that implies Pacino is himself the killer he's been searching for. Whatever. There's lots of shots of leather guys with shoulder length hair and muscular bottoms. Hot! (NOT!)

Go here for an interesting discussion of Cruising starring Al Pacino.

I think I would have enjoyed Liza With a Z and Cruising much more as a double-bill at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco with a packed audience of howling "friends". These two movies are too scary (and too much fun) to watch alone.

Oral Sex vs Anal Sex

My high school girlfriend, Carolyn Anhalt, is always way ahead of the curve when it comes to technology-internet-computer stuff. She was the one who introduced me to the greatest e-mail service I've ever used, G-Mail! And now she's shown me this thing called Google Trends. She blogged about it before I did so check out her blog.

BUT ANYWAY...I went to Google Trends and typed in the words: oral sex, anal sex. What a shocker!!! More people are Googling anal than oral. What the fuck??? Wouldn't you rather get a blowjob than fuck someone in the ass. Even on a national level it's better. Wasn't life better for us when Bill Clinton was getting oral sex as opposed to the daily ass-fucking we currently get from George Bush? Oral trumps anal every time. It's safer, cleaner and whole lot simpler.

Click here to study these fascinating results up close. Bucharest is the only place where they are more interested in oral than anal. I'm moving to Bucharest. http://www.google.com/trends?q=oral+sex%2C+anal+sex" target="_blank"

Quick Thoughts

Well, Well, Well!
So you want to be a playwright? Are you sure? A play is closing on Broadway after playing for only a few weeks. The play is called Well. It's by a playwright named Lisa Kron. Friends have been writing to me and telling me how much they loved it. It got rave reviews and it closes on May 14th after 53 performances and 23 previews. And that's life in the theater. Hit plays get rave reviews and close quickly, losing tons of money in the process. Meanwhile, at the cineplex, Scary Movie 4 opens to nothing but negative reviews and an opening weekend grosses over 40 million dollars. Still want to be a playwright?

Super Sweet 16
I was horrified on Saturday as I watched a show called Super Sweet 16. The show focuses on super-rich families with a despicable daughter in the middle of planning a sweet 16 party. I had seen the show spoofed on SNL but I didn't realize how soft the spoof was. The people on this show are the most horrible, heartless, soulless Americans I have ever seen. I watched in horror, praying that the birthday-girl would suddenly have an aneurysm or spontaneously combust. These girls are not human, they are monsters. They abuse their parents and the parents allow it. If you want to see the worst America has to offer watch one episode of this nightmare.

Deal or No Deal
Oh no. I'm hooked. And I don't wanna be! Let me go, Howie. I was changing channels last week and i stumbled across this new hit show, Deal or No Deal and I simply could not change the channel. All they do on the show is give money away. That's it. No trivia questions, no bug-eating, no alliances, just free money. It's a mindless piece of entertainment and I could not stop watching.

David Blaine and The Times
Thank God for The NY Times. Ginia Bellafante wrote an article about David Blaine that articulated my feelings perfectly. If you didn't watch David Blaine trying to hold his breath for 9 minutes then ignore this. But if you watched, as I did, then read this article and you'll know what I thought about the whole affair but couldn't articulate because I'm not as clear or concise or insightful as Ginia Bellafante.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/09/arts/television/09blaine.html

Cinco De Mayo

I can't get over how clever I think the name of the busline is that takes you from San Diego into Mexico.

Mexicoach. I don't know why I find that so clever but I keep thinking about it. Mexicoach.

Every once in a while I visit a town that fills me with equal amounts of fascination and repulsion. Last week, while visiting Tijuana, I couldn't reconcile the two feelings of wanting to leave right away and wanting to move there. What a difference a few miles can make.

I woke up in the laid back, white-trash mecca of Oceanside, California and drove through the spotless, shining city of San Diego and by noon I'm walking down the streets of Tijuana being accosted by pimps trying to get me to enter their stripclubs and get a "massage".

Thank God, I was with my brilliant friend, Thom Wise, who speaks perfect Spanish and knows the value of a peso. Like a fool, I went to the ATM machine and pulled out 50 pesos (5 dollars). He tried to teach me that 1 dollar roughly equals 10 pesos but I guess I didn't listen. And there aren't ATMs on every corner in Mexico like there in America. I actually had to go track one down. It's a hard life, huh?

Unlike the ATM, sex is everywhere in TJ. I kept yelling out, "I'm gay", every time a stripclub manager tried to lure me in but they don't take no for an answer. "We have transvestites!" Hmmmm, no thanks!

I looked at a blanket. He wanted 40. I began to walk away and the price dropped to 30. I'm almost out the door and the guy yells out 22! Sold, to the fat American tourist. I might go back next week and buy another.

My problems, my worries, my fears, they all seemed to lessen while sitting on a park bench watching 6 year-old kids sell chicklets for a peso. When I was 6, I was going to school, vacationing at Disneyland and stuffing myself on Saturday morning cartoons. How different would my life be now if I had spent my weekdays hustling chicklets on Revolucion Ave in Mexico.

My friend Thom has travelled the globe and spent much time in third-world countries. I, however, have not. Still. the next time I'm having a shitty day I need to think of the gum-selling kids in Tijuana and remember that my shitty day isn't really all that shitty.

M:I:3/RV/Scary Movie 4

Mission Impossible 3

I might be addicted to a new drug.

I'm no fan of Tom Cruise the person but I do enjoy Tom Cruise the entertainer and Mission Impossible 3 is the movie I've been waiting for. It's the cure for what ails me. While sitting thru Brokeback Mountain four times last year and being depressed about the horrible life of Ennis Del Mar, I secretly prayed that an action movie would come along and save me from those depressing and lonely cowboys.

Salvation has arrived in the form of Ethan Hunt. I saw the sneak preview on Thursday with my friend, CH and then cleverly manipulated my movie-averse boyfriend into going with me the next night. CH really liked it but she prefers the TV show and my boyfriend swears he liked it, too. But I love it. I love it. I love every minute of it. It makes me laugh, it makes me think, it inspires me but most of all it fills me with envy.

I want to work for the Impossible Mission Force. I want to shoot bad guys down with automatic weapons. I want to put on a sexy dress and flirt my way thru the gates of Vatican City.

Why can't plays be as suspenseful, intense, exciting and action-packled as M:I:3???

I have a feeling this movie might become my latest cinematic obsession.


RV

I can't believe I saw this movie. I was on vacation and there was nothing else playing. It sucked but here's the deal: it did not suck as bad as I thought it would. I mean, it sucked, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the worst movie of all time. The movie version of Rent still holds that title. LOL

Scary Movie 4

I laughed 4 times during this movie. 4 times. I guess that's why it's called Scary Movie 4.

Flight 93/Hard Candy/Silent Hill/Lucky Number Slevin

I've gotten waaaaay behind on writing my silly-little-mini-movie reviews. So here we go.

United 93

I didn't need United 93 to remind me about 9/11. I think about it daily. Living in New York part of the year I am constantly reminded. Every time the clock hits 9:11 I think about it. Every time I'm on a plane or in an airport I think about it. I have friends and relatives serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Anyway, I think about it ALL the time. I will never forget and I don't need movies to remind me.

But still, I was excited to see this movie not because of the subject but because of the director, Paul Greengrass (The Bourne Supremacy). I was absolutely riveted by The Bourne Supremacy and not just because the action sequences but I loved the hyper-realistic acting. I trusted from that movie that United 93 would be riveting and it is.

United 93 is intense, frightening, realistic, shocking, disturbing and on and on. It's a very well-made movie and a great document regarding a day in all our lives but mostly the movie is an indictment of American beauracracy. It takes forever for the traffic controllers to even admit they are dealing with a hi-jacking. It's horrifying watching all these well-paid governemt officials running around their offices like chickens with their heads cut off. No one can seem to comprehend that someone would use an airplane as a missile! What the fuck??? We knew they were planning it at some point, we all know about the famous memo. They should have known right away what was going on. That was the rage I felt watching 93. Ultimately, the terrorists succeeded because our airline industry failed. Our government failed. Communication failed. Cockpit doors should never be opened. Period.

Anyway, United 93 probably won't change your opinions or teach you anything new but I gaurantee it will piss you off all over again! I cried during parts of the movie but for the most part I sat there pissed off, watching a tragedy unfold that never needed to happen.
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Hard Candy


United 93 was very upsetting to watch but I saw Hard Candy the night before and I was even more disturbed. I regret seeing these movies back to back. I knew I'd be seeing United 93 the next day and Hard Candy was an interesting warm-up act. Both movies deal with terrorists intent on destroying people they view as evil.

If you don't know the story of Hard Candy it's a about a girl who meets a guy on the internet with the intention of destroying him because she believes he committed a horrible crime. It's a very upsetting movie. I felt physically ill for the entire showing.

It's basically a 2 person film and the acting is excellent which is also a problem in a way. It would be easier if I could have sided with the girl the entire time but instead I sympathized with both characters and hated them both by the end. I'm telling you, it's a very disturbing film. I was so horrified during the castration scene that I came home and looked up castration on the interent to understand it better. I now know more about castration than I ever needed or wanted to know. If you've got two hours to kill and you like watching relentless torture you might love Hard Candy.
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Silent Hill

This movie was fucking horrible. Boring nonsense. Not scary. Not creepy. Incoherent. A total piece of shit. It's based on a video game and I can't think of a single great movie based on a video game, though I do enjoy watching Angelina Jolie run around in the Tomb Raider movies, but I digress. Silent Hill might appeal to lesbians and/or teen-age boys with female-cop sex fantasies but as a gay man I was fucking bored. And more people will see the shit that is Silent Hill than will see the brilliance that is Thank You For Smoking. Ugh!
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Lucky Number Slevin

I was more intrigued by my companions response to this movie than I was the movie itself. I got kind of bored but I didn't hate it or anything. I just lost interest but I was sort of intrigued for the first hour. I really enjoyed the stylish production design and the actors and some of the story-telling techniques but then ultimately I lost interest and got restless.

My companion, however, was outraged. He found it immoral. The story involves mob families and lots of people get killed. My friend found it glib and despicable. Personally, I couldn't muster the energy or passion to hate it or be offended. i just wished it was shorter. And i loved see Josh Hartnett in a towel for the first 30 minutes. Am I the only one on the planet who thinks Josh Hartnett looks and sounds like a young Tommy Lee Jones?

Inside Man/Slither/The Sentinel/Basic Instinct 2

More Movie Reviews (I told you was waaaaaay behind. I'll make these quick)

Inside Man



Loved it, saw it twice. Wished every movie I saw was as entertaing and involving as this. I'm good friends with the production designer, Wynn Thomas, but he doesn't read my blog and he wouldn't give two shits wether I liked it or not. But I really, really did love it. I saw it twice so there you go. It's just so damned entertaining.

I have a horrible confession to make, a shocking confession. It's the first Spike Lee movie I've ever seen. I'm not sure why, I've just never seen one. I know about them, i feel like I've seen them, I can describe them but I've never actually seen one. After i post this blog I'm gonna go add a bunch of Spike Lee movies to my Netflix list. Oh wait, i have seen a Spike Lee film, I saw Bamboozled. Anyway, I can't imagine anyone not liking Inside Man. It's incredibly entertaing.

Also, it's wonderfully ironic watching Christopher plummer play a part that is the antithesis to the part he played in Sound of Music.

And Jodie Foster is in this movie, too, looking sexier and smarter than ever. I love watching Jodie Foster. Her performance in Silence of the Lambs is my favorite performance by a film actress.
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Slither

Oh Lord, do I love movies like this. Look at the pics above and tell me this doesn't look entertaining! I could see stuff like this every week. Creatures from outer space come to Earth and try and destroy white-trash-middle Americans. More, sir, can I please have some more!
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The Sentinel

The most interesting thing I can say about the Sentinel is this.

I had to move to the LAST row of the theater just to watch the film. The editing was so erratic and the close-ups so off-putting that I couldn't absorb the film except from the last row. I was getting physically ill watching it from my usual seat. And I have NEVER had that happen before! EVER! As per the movie, did you see the very well made In The Line of Fire with Clint Eastwood, well I think The Sentinel could have been as good if Clint Eastwood had directed it but alas he did not. Oh well.
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Basic instinct 2

Oh, where to start? I know of no one who saw this movie but I! Oh Sharon. I can't criticize this movie. It gave me pleasure. It made me laugh. It turned me on, a little. I don't pity Sharon Stone, either. She was very good in a movie I saw on DVD recently called Broken Flowers. She can act when she wants to or is forced to but this movie is something else. It's a fashion show, it's a soap opera, it's a cross between Agatha Christie and porn. It's entertaining. You'll see it on DVD or HBO and you'll see what I mean, trust me. I can't wait for Basic Instinct 3, 4 and 5.

The Three Burials.../V for Vendetta/Final Destination 3/Hills Have Eyes

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

This movie makes me sad. Not because the movie is sad but because i don't think very many people saw it. It was the directoria debut of Tommy Lee Jones and he also played the lead. The story concerns a border agent who wrongly kills a mexican man and Tommy Lee Jones plays the friend of the murdered man and he kidnaps the agent and forces him to give the dead man a proper burial. Does that make sense? You gotta see it for yourself. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, I really liked it. it sort of reminded me of those Spaghetti westerns but it actually defies comparison. It's a completely complicated, original and interesting movie. It's funny and heart-breaking and inspiring. Tommy Lee Jones plays a complex man with a firce sense of right and wrong and Barry Pepper plays a border agent with no morality or respect for others and they go on this road trip together.

In one particulsarly unique scene the meet an old blind man with nothing to live for. His son has abandoned him. He begs Tommy Lee Jones to kill him. "Shoot me, please." It's very hard to describe this movie but it's certainly one of the best films I've seen in recent memory. I still think about it often.
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V for Vendetta

I can't discuss this movie because I fell asleep and everytime I woke up Natalie Portman was still in prison. It seemed 4 hours long. I'm not blaming the movie. I had been up for 24 hours. (No I'm not on speed!) But anyway, my friend Carolyn Anhalt loved it. She saw it three times, so, there you have it. Maybe I'll get back it to someday.
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Final Destination 3

I saw this movie waaaay back in December but I remember it vividly. Creative deaths in suntanning booths, hardware stores and gyms. I love these movies. I love picturing the writers sitting around a table trying to figure out how to creatively kill people. It never jelled as a whole the way Final Destination 2 did but who cares! These Final Destination movies deliver. Audiences gasp and jump out of their seats and laugh hysterically. That's Entertainment!

Interesting note: I went to see Final Destination 2, with my great friend, Joseph Manghise, instead of going to the opening night and party for my play Sleeping With Straight Men, off-Broadway and let me tell you, that movie gave me more pleasure than the entire run of that nightmare off-Broadway experience.

So I always think of The Final Destination Series as a gift because the second one offered me escape from the real-life horror movie I was living at the time, in New York, Off-Broadway, at the dreadful fucking Maverick Theater. To read all about it go here: Sleeping With Straight Men Off-Broadway
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The Hills Have Eyes

It was fine. It was good. It was a while ago I saw it. I liked it better than the other horror remakes we've seen recently (Chainsaw Massacre/When A Stranger Calls/Psycho). I took my 14 year old niece. LOL. Am I going to hell for that? A family gets lost on an RV trip and nuclear-fallout-freaks living in the hills come after them. The All-American Dad" is played by the guy who played the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs. That's trivia for you kids. Anyway, there are some good, gruesome, gross shocks but it's fading from memory even as I write this.

Thank You For Smoking

I wish I could write something as intelligent, witty, smooth, smart, biting, funny and angry as Thank You For Smoking.

I wish I could direct a movie as colorful, creative, thoughtful and well-paced as Thank You For Smoking.

I wish I could design opening credits as original as the brilliant credits for Thank You Smoking.

I wish I could act in a movie with universally great parts that are all intelligently and complex as the characters in Thank You For Smoking.

The thing about this perfect movie is how effortless it all feels. I know it's hard to make perfect movies because so few are made. Most movies are mediocre at best. I love movies but there's no denying the crap ratio.

But then a perfect movie like this comes along and knocks me on my ass because they make it all seem so easy and I know damn well it aint.

Dear Hollywood, Thank you for Thank You For Not Smoking.

To read reviews go here: Reviews

To see the trailer go here: Trailer

Cherry Coke

I love Diet Coke! Love it! Drink it constantly. Actually, I waste alot of it. I make 'em with lots of ice then forget about 'em and they sit there and melt.

Anyway, as much as I love Diet Coke I think I've found someone who loves it even more than I do. The pic is, well, you gotta see it to believe it!

Is it the "real thing"? I think it is!

Oh, Charlie! The Sheen is Gone!

The most riveting thing I read all week was the legal filing by Denise Richards regarding her "allegedly" psychotic husband, Charlie Sheen. It's so well-written. I wanted to dress up like Denise Richards and perform it. Maybe I will. I don't give a shit about celebrities lives when they do things like have babies, get married, get divorced BUT when they do out-of-control things like killing their wives (OJ) or surfing for child porn (Charlie Sheen?), well I'm hooked.

Maybe it makes me feel less dysfunctional.

As I read about Charlie Sheeen I was reminded of all the psychotic porn stars I've worked with in my plays. They weren't all psychotic but plenty were! Without naming names let me just say that based on his behavior Charlie Sheen would fit right in to the fucked-up world of the gay pornography business.

If you haven't read the legal document, get busy, it's high drama. More dramatic than any movie Charlie Sheen ever starred in.

Keep On Blogging

What a strange week last week was. I felt incredibly busy, but I'm not sure what I spent the week doing. I was too busy to blog but now that I'm blogging I can't remember what I did.

I went to Wal-Mart on Crenshaw.
I went to the LA Philharmonic.
I saw a shitty horror movie (Silent Hill) and a mediocre action pic (The Sentinel)
I installed some lights for a friend in her apt.
I ate at Panda Express
I watched three Charlie Chaplin classics. (More about that later)

This is the worst kind of blog. I hate blogs where people just recite what they did but the point is not what I did, it's that I can't remember what I did which is why I need to blog more. Memory is so fleeting. The week after my mother died I could not remember her telling me that she loved me. We constantly told each other how much we loved each other but after she was no longer here I couldn't think of a specific moment in which she said the words, "I love you". And I swear to you she said it every time I saw her! Every time!

After the funeral my Dad sent me a note telling me that the video tribute I made about my mother was a wonderful gift to him and that he will be forever indebted to me for making it. I have it in writing.

So keep writing things down, that's my new mantra. Keep documenting. Document your life.

I beg my friends to blog.

I feel closer to my brother now more than ever cause I get to read his blog. His fears, his poems, his rage, his sarcasm, his politics, his sincere desire to improve the world; his blog is him and every time I read it I feel like I'm in the room with him.

My ex-stage manager, Michelle Guzman, a quiet woman in person, has one of the angriest, wittiest, bitchiest blogs I've ever read. Sides of her are revealed to me I would never have seen if not for her blog. Blog more Michelle.

So I have a lot to blog about and hopefully this week my blog will not be static. Hopefully.

Mobil/Exxon Boycott

I won't go on and on about this but this boycott is starting to take hold and I'm signing up for it. i was talking to my brother about how helpless we feel sometimes in the face of these giant corporate and political machines. Then the next day I recieved an e-mail calling for a boycott of Exxon and Mobil and I thought to myself, "now, this I can do!"

I'm all for big business and capitalism but these oil companies just seem so fucking shady!

I won't be buying gas at Exxon or Mobil until these gas prices get under control. I hope you will consider doing the same.

Regina Fong, I Miss You!

I lived in London for 6 months in 1990 and I had a grand time but the highlight of my trip was my weekly trek to The Black Cap Pub in Camden to worship the greatest drag performer I have ever seen: Regina Fong. I love drag, period. Any guy in a dress amuses me but Regina Fong was truly the most amazing, most charismatic and most loved drag queen I have ever seen.

Every Tuesday night hundreds of "Fong-worshippers" would cram into the backroom of The Black Cap Pub for three hours of pure, hyper, adrenaline-filled escapism. Every week we'd sing along to the same songs and watch her do the same routines and every week it was fresher and funnier than before.

I became an instant fan and went every single Tuesday. I forced my friends to go and they fell in love with her, too.

I haven't been back to London in many years but I've thought of her often, so last week I Googled her and my mouth fell to the floor as I read the following:

"It is with the utmost sadness that we report that one of the all-time great drag performers, H.I.H. Regina Fong died last night following a long battle with cancer."

She passed away on April 14, 2003

I was stunned all day. I don't worship many performers. I use to worship Adam Ant. I love Anthony Hopkins. I find Jodie Foster endlessly fascinating. Patti Lupone is another performer I can never get enough of but the list is small. This woman, this otherworldy creature, this one-of-a-kind entertainer should have been granted immortality. Every Tuesday night I experienced pure joy for three hours. It was a gift she gave her followers.

I met Reg once out of drag in the lobby of the Drill Hall Arts Centre. I approached him and told him what a big fan I was and he smiled humbly and responded, "It's just lipsynching."

No Regina, it wasn't. In memory of her on the anniversary of her death I created a video tribute to this amazing person who gave me so much happiness. I miss you Regina Fong!


Click here to enter the magical world of Regina Fong.

Click here to view the video tribute on my website.

Bond, James Bond

Here's your weekly dose of exploitation.


I would say 007 sounds about accurate, what do you think?

This Made Me Laugh, Alot.

Courtesy of my Sister-In-Law, Evelyn Larsen

Exhausting San Diego

Just got back from a whirlwind trip thru San Diego. Went with my Dad, niece and ex-wife (lol), Caryn Horwitz to Sea World and the San Diego Zoo and I am fucking exhausted. I must've walked 20 miles over two days.

I've been accused by my friend, Peewit, of whining too much in my blog but fuck it, I'm exhausted! After that vacation, I'm ready for a vacation.

Actually it was a lot of fun, especially feeding the dolphins, but theme parks are fascinating places indeed. They really do let anyone in these days.

I could blog about the great unwashed masses, the cruelty of animals in cages, the overpriced food and Americas growing obesity problem but instead and I'll just post the pics and you can write your own story.

Click here to see all the pics.

Newsflash: Thomas Dolby Bitchslaps Federline!

http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/31366827

Lord, I miss the 80's!

Dorothy and To To

It may shock you to learn that even I have limits.

My friends recently installed a To To Toilet.

Never heard of it? Neither had I!

I just did a Google search for To To Toilets and I couldn't even find a good description. Basically, it's a toilet that shoots water on your ass then blowdrys it. That's it, in a nutshell, no pun intended.

Oh good, I finally found a description:


"Toto brought us the toilet seats that get warm in winter, include a bidet, and a warm stream to wash - and dry - your bottom, and a variety of cool WC gadgets that make you laugh until you try them and realize life has no sense without them. Well, recently, they have developed the “New Neorest” toilet system series which is the world’s first toilet seat that releases an aroma and plays soothing music (via removable memory cards), in addition to the customary features of course."

Anyway, I don't quite understand it nor do I really want to. I don't want a toilet wiping my ass for me. My friends were begging me to try it and I was like, "ugh, NO!"

I just can't get my mind around the concept of having my ass cleaned as if it were going thru a drive-thru car wash.

I saw a bidet once at a party in New Jersey but I wouldn't sit on it. Supposesdly, the To To Toilet is nothing like a bidet but they all seem the same to me. I'm not even convinced these hi-tech toilets are designed for asses as big and hairy as mine. I'm including a bidet for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!


I look foward to hearing about your experiences with the bidet and/or the To To Toilet.

Pastor Prince

So, I get an invite to look at this website called New Creation Church. They spammed my blog and before I realized it was spam I clicked on it and I got so excited to see this new church website run by two sexy lesbians with a cute daughter.

So I scrolled down and then it hit me. That aint no lesbian, that's a dude. LOL

My heart sank. They're just another straight couple running a church. How disappointing! I liked Pastor Joseph alot more when I thought he was a dyke with an Asian-lipstick-lesbian for a wife.

Mi Amigo!

I just got a lovely little fan letter. Normally, I wouldn't share such things because as we all know," Pride goeth before a fall."

However, it was so sweet, amusing and Spanish that I feel I have to share it.

The writer of the love/lust note is obviously a Spanish-speaking-chubby-chaser. He saw a pic of me and wrote,

"que hermoso cuerpo tienes me gusta e invita al sexo"

Now, I don't speak Spanish, though I'm tempted to learn, so I pulled up my trusty computer translator and my oh my, sweeter words were never spoken. Are you ready for the translation???

Here it is: "that beautiful body you have pleases me and invites to sex"

LOL

Get me a sombrero, I'm moving to Mexico!

TOM SWELLING

Sad update: YouTube.com is temporarily down. Check back in a few hours and I'm sure it will be up gain. In the meantime, enjoy this still pic of Tom Welling.

I love YouTube.com. I want to marry it! I'm such a perverted size-queen I watched this Tom Welling video over 50 times! I'm so tragic. It's true.



I loooooove YouTube.com

The Private Life of the Master Actress

Congratulations to Tracy Hostmyer who got a rave in the NY Times today for her performance in a play by Bertolt Brecht entitled The Private Life of the Master Race. There is a great picture of her, too.

I had the joy and honor of directing Tracy in the very first play I ever directed. She played Celia for me in As You Like It by William Shakespeare in Fresno, California in 1988. She was awesome.

Tracy is that rare kind of actress who is always intelligent, elegant, funny and grounded all at the same time. She has a wicked smile and a great sense of humor and she is soooo beautiful. I remember that everyone (audiences, co-stars and gay men) were always falling in love with her.

If you're in NY, whch I am not right now, go see this play and you can fall in love with her, too, just like I did back in 1988 in Fresno, California.

"Hi, Ronnie!"

I had a very intense dream last night.

We, the family, were throwing a big party. We were all rushing around doing stuff and comments were made about how much better it would be if Mom were here to help us and tell us what to do.

I was outside doing something and I walked in and there was Mom, sitting in the chair, smiling, looking healthier than ever. She was sitting up. She didn't look weak or troubled at all. She looked beautiful and her hair was done. She was in a bathrobe.

The way she was sitting was especially striking because it was clear she was supporting her own weight and had no physical ailments.

Upon seeing her I burst into tears, uncontrollable weeping, and she just looked at me as if to say, "it's ok". I was weeping so hard I couldn't speak so I motioned to her that I needed to go outside and
compose myself. I did. Then I returned to the house.

I was clearly confused and I asked her what was happening and she said it's a long story but she would tell me everything if I wanted. She had been exhumed for some reason and when they opened the coffin she was fine. I gathered that the process of cleaning her up was messy but that now she was fine and would live a long healthy life.

As she started to explain, I said, "Wait, let me record this, no one will believe it otherwise."

I grabbed my bag with my recording equipment and I started to put together the microphone and then in that moment I woke up.

Upon realizing it was only a dream I was stunned, saddened, confused but also grateful because I got to hear her voice again and I will never forget the way she said, "Hi, Ronnie!" Her voice was so full of love just like it always was but it was also free of pain. She was so strong.

As I woke up and was struck with reality I began to cry and then went into the living room and looked at her picures.

I hope that she haunts my dreams, forever.

She's a National Celebrity! Who knew!

Like it or not, this woman is the future face of American celebrity. Goodbye Oprah! Hello Nornna! In the future everyone will be a "national celebrity", including you.


For more about Nornna visit http://youtube.com/watch?v=TJhHvYJfDuw#comment target="_blank"

Save the Wal-Mart Children

I just had a painful moment in Wal-Mart in Bakersfield. The Wal-Mart in Bakersfield is filled with cheap products but it's also filled with some of the most disgusting customers ever assembled in one store. The people shopping in this store are just plain gross.

Well, tonight I saw the cutest little boy sitting in a shopping cart. His face was open, his eyes were alive, he seemed content and intelligent. I wanted to talk to him.

And then I saw his parents.

The woman pushing the cart was a filthy, white trash, disaster of a human being. Her hair was a dirty rats nest, her clothes were filthy, she was missing half her teeth and her IQ seemed somewhere between 5 and 10.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to save the child in the shopping cart. I saw his whole life in an instant and prayed he would escape his fate. 

The gay marriage and adoption controversy seems laughable when one looks at the millions of human-heterosexual-trashbags allowed to marry, bear children and destroy them.

I will never forget the face of that little boy and I pray he escapes his fate. Statistics are not on his side.

All About My Mother

Well, on February 25th, 2006 at 3 o'clock in the afternoon my mother passed on to her next life.

It's been the most emotionally-complicated experience I have ever had. I knew that I would be profoundly sad but I wasn't prepared for the feeling of relief that swept over me in the ensuing days. Sadness followed by relief followed by guilt (for feeling relieved) and then sadness again. That's been the cycle.

There is so much to discuss regarding this huge event and I'm sure that I will in the future but now is not the time. I do, however, want to return to the fascinating world of blogging but it didn't feel right to blog until I explained why I have'nt for the last two months.

So there it is.

Jeanette Marie Larsen adopted me three months after I was born and 37 years later I'm a pallbearer at her funeral and everything in between flew by too quickly.

I edited two video tributes to my mother for her funeral. If you want to watch them you can click on the videos below or go to my Web site. RonnieLarsen.com

Date Movie/Firewall/Eight Below/Brokeback 4th Time

NOTE: Over the last week I've seen three movies that are so forgettable I can't even muster more than a few lines each. None of these three movies sucked they just don't inspire me to type. They aren't bad, they aren't great, they are just fine.

DATE MOVIE

I would never have seen this movie in a million years but a sexy guy suggested we go so I went. I laughed. I was grossed out. I wasn't bored. The audience enjoyed it. So there you go. It was the first time I'd ever been in a theater where it didn't bother me that people were talking on their cell phones. How can you complain when a movie made for third graders is attended by people acting like third graders?

FIREWALL

I loved Firewall. it's a movie we've seen a million times but I loved it none-the-less. I don't think I've ever disliked a Harrison Ford movie. I love the fact that Harrison Ford has never chased an Oscar. He is a MOVIE STAR and he knows it. He doesn't care about roles that transform him, he is HARRISON FORD, period. He chases bad guys. He entertains us. He is a dying breed.

EIGHT BELOW

What can you say about a movie where 8 husky dogs are more compelling to watch than the human actors they are forced to interact with? Paul Walker is a mystery to me. I never feel like he's acting. I always feel like he just strolled onto the set and decided to let the crew film hlm. His acting is effortless but only because it feels like he puts no effort into it. There is something admirably lazy about him. He seems like a fratboy who would be just as happy surfing as making movies. I know nothing about him but this is what I think when I watch his movies: Who are you??????
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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (4th time)

Everytime I see this complicated piece of art and have a completely different experence. I saw it with my heterosexual sister and after the fuck scene she turned to me with a straight face and said, "are they gay now?" I didn't answer. There are no answers in this thing only questions, questions and more questions. I can't recall a movie in recent memory that inspired as much lively discussion as Brokeback. It's a gift, really.

WHAT'S MUNICH?

I'm in Denver and I ask my sister what she wants to see. She asks, "what's playing?" i say, "Munich." She says, "what's Munich." Living in LA and New York skews ones perspective. There is no Munich controversy in Denver because in Denver Munich doesn't exist. It's already out of the cineplexes replaced by Date Movie, Firewall and Eight below.

When a Stranger Calls

(the above pic is Carol Kane in the original version)

I'm fucking furious. The original When a Stranger Calls is one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.

A babysitter is alone in a house, she's getting freaky phonecalls, she find out the calls are coming from inside the house. The kids get slaughtered. The guy escapes. The killer is pursued. The babysitter grows up. He comes after her. Oh my Lord, it's scary shit.

And one of the reasons it's so freaky is because it feels real.

So what the fuck does Hollywood do? They remake it! Fine, I have no problems with remakes but they fuck this thing up so bad I sat in the theatre shaking my head. By the end of the movie I was actually enraged.

What they've done is taken the premise of the first 20 minutes of the original and expanded it to 90 minutes leaving out the rest. The original had one of the best endings ever, did the new filmmakers even watch the original? And they've cast one of the worst actresses I've ever seen in a lead and they've set it in the most ridiculous house ever filmed. The whole house is high-tech, lights come on when you enter the room, the fireplace is on remote control...who lives like this??? Certainly not ordibary people and that's what made the original so scary, the horror was happening to ordinary people in an ordinary home in an ordinary neighborhood.

How can you remake a movie without understanding why the original worked?

And the actress: truly awful. Talks like a valley girl. She doesn't act she pouts. I assumed it was her first acting job then i looked her up on IMDB and she has credits. Unbelievable. We are entering a frightening phase in Hollywood where so many of the actresses seem to be completely unintelligent. No one ever questioned the intelligence of Jamie Lee Curtis but these new girls actually seem to want to appear to be morons. Is moron the new sexy?

Women should be outraged.

There are actresses like Rachel McAdams who are sexy and funny and seem extremely intelligent but so many others these days come off as idiots who can't even fucking speak. I digress.

This movie simply sucks. And now I read on Box office Guru.com that it's going to do like 28 million this weekend. What the fuck????? It may wind up grossing more than Munich.

PS While waiting to see When a Stranger Calls i bought a ticket to Hoodwinked and watched the first hour. I actually got involved. Maybe, I should go back and see the ending.

Hell Air

Every time I go to the airport, I suddenly feel like Charlie Chaplin trapped in a mechanism I cannot control.

I arrive at the counter. I check in. For once, everything is fine. I'm in the computer. Whew. Relief. I have my ticket. One last step and I'm done. I throw the bag on the scale and it's 10 pounds over.

"Can you shift things around?" the counter lady asks?

"No, I can't shift things around, you stupid cunt." (I didn't say that, but I wanted to.)

So I politely agree to "shift things around," and the nightmare begins. I begin to unpack in front of an audience of 20 travelers. I open my suitcase, and it feels like I'm opening my soul. My life comes pouring out onto the concrete floor. Everyone studies my assortment of socks, books, Netflix, underwear. Privacy is a thing of the past.

One man, an asshole, sees a book I'm reading, but he can't make out the whole title:

Asshole: Hey, what book is that?
Me: America.
Asshole: What's it about?
Me: America.

I throw my repacked bag onto the scale again. I am now 20 pounds under the weight limit. How the fuck did that happen? Did I really repack 30 pounds’ worth of socks?

I put the next bag on the scale and the zipper breaks. I try not to get upset. I accept that it's just my bad karma haunting me on behalf of all the actors I've mistreated over the years.

So now I can't check the bag. I carry it and head to the gate. I pass all the food courts. I want to stop, but I can't eat and juggle three bags at the same time, and I'm running late because of the 30 minutes spent repacking my socks. I desperately want to stop and spend $9 on a tuna fish sandwich, but I resist and head to the plane.

I arrive at the gate and the ticket taker ignores me. I was going to ask whether they're boarding my flight, but it becomes painfully obvious they are. However, I've already stood there for five minutes, so it would be weird to just walk away without asking my question. I'm terrified of doing anything strange in an airport for fear of detainment and/or imprisonment. I don't want to spend the summer at Abu Ghraib. So I stand there and smile, but he continues to ignore me. Finally, after he has taken the tickets of five other people, he turns and asks, "May I help you?" So I say, "Are you boarding now?" He looks at me like I'm an idiot.

I board the plane. The oh-so-chipper flight attendant says, "How are you, sir?"

I make a stupid joke about having to repack and she sees this as her cue to do a five minute stand-up routine:

Flight attendant: “Who knew underwear was so heavy! I guess that's why they have nudist colonies, blah blah blah. You know whenever I travel with family I pull out the scale and we weigh it at home. You should get a scale."

Do you see how fat I am, you fucking cunt??? Do you really think I want a scale in my house??? (I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.)

I continue to listen and smile. And smile. And the next day my friend informs me that I whine too much in my blogs, so I just want to say that I enjoyed the experience very much and I look forward to doing it again in the near future. Have a happy day and enjoy your flight!

Move On

I spent a hypnotic afternoon in Central Park, strolling, listening to Sunday in the Park With George. I strolled so slowly that I was barely moving. Strolling is a lost art. No one strolls anymore. It's not even strolling, it's more like crawling. I crawled through Central Park, at a snail’s pace, listening to the same Stephen Sondheim song over and over again: Move On. Some of my favorite Sondheim lyrics are contained in that song.

"Stop worrying where you're going
Move on.
If you can know where you're going
You've gone.
Just keep moving on."

As I strolled, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. Grateful that Central Park exists. Grateful I have an iPod. Grateful I have the luxury of time. It's amazing how easy it is to be mindlessly busy. Mental clutter constantly creeps into my brain. I force myself to resist it. Just say no, Ronnie! I get invited to a see a play that I don't want to see. I say yes, then spend three days trying to figure out how to get out of it. I answer all my e-mails and the next day I have 40 more. I feel tortured by them. I could spend my whole life answering e-mails, but what kind of life would that be? I don't want my tombstone to read: "Here lies Ronnie Larsen. He answered his e-mails." Time is fleeting, life is short, my mother is dying and every minute I spend doing something I don't want to do is a moment I don't spend doing something I do want to do.

I haven't learned much in my 36 years on this planet, but I do know that time is a precious commodity. I must learn to use it better. In a year from now I won't remember the silly e-mails I answered, but I will remember my stroll in Central Park with Stephen Sondheim on a cold afternoon on the last day of January 2006.

Crash

Crash claims to be about race but it's really about gun control. Take the guns away and you have no story. Guns move the story forward not race. Race is the subplot. The tragedies that unfold in the movie are the result of too many people with too many guns using them too easily. Take away the guns and you just have a movie about frustrated Angelenos. Add the guns and you have a movie.

But therein lies the problem, this movie pretends to be about ordinary people but i have never touched a gun, seen a gun, used a gun or been threatened with a gun. Oh actually, that's not true, I once dated a cop and he let me hold his gun and take a picture, but I digress.

I had heard that Crash was polarizing audiences. Well it polarized me. I absolutely LOVED it and I absolutely HATED it.

Everything I loved about it I also hated so that must mean this is a very important movie, indeed. No movie has ever affected me this way.

I loved the plotting, the coincidences, the surprsises.

I hated how conveinently plotted it was, everything fit so perfectly.

I loved the bold discussion of race and class.

I hated the simplistic approach to racial issues.

I loved the slick photography.

I hated how glossy the movie looked.

I think Crash is an extremely important movie, EXTREMELY, but it feels cheap somehow. Too easy. Too simple. Everyone is racist. True! But why????????????????

Why should the makers of Crash be rewarded for telling us what we already know? Well for one, Ronnie, they should be rewarded because they explored a taboo subject and made a very entertaining movie. I agree, but I need more. Why is everyone racist????? Why????

Hopefully, they'll make a sequel.