So long, Saddam! or Fatal Attraction

And none of this had to happen if he just let the inspectors search every inch of his kingdom. Or was it destined to happen anyway, one or way or another?



I love those movies where the lead character makes one stupid mistake that sets in motion a series of events that wind up destroying his life ala Fatal Attraction. That's the Saddam story as I see it. But is Saddam playing the Glenn Close role and is George Bush playing Michael Douglas. Or is it the other way around?

The Preacher and the Prostitute

THE PROSTITUTE

DON'T BE DISAPPOINTED AGAIN!!!! (until I sell you out to the local radio station)

Voted best massage and personal trainer for the years 2000, 2001 and 2002 (by the National Association of Evangelicals)

I offer a deep tissue and swedish style massage with the pleasure of the man in mind. (And after a few months if I see you on TV railing against gay marriage I will tell
everyone what we did)

If you like a strong muscle man to bring pleasure to you then please call me. (and leave the Bible at home)

I am a muscle stud with a friendly personality and a caring heart. (and a good supply of crystal meth)

When the Broadway shows play in town the cast and crew call upon me for massage. (and head, and rimming, and ass play, and meth)

I am 5"8 and weigh 190 lbs. (with a big mouth)

I have brown hair and blue eyes. (and I save all my voice mails)

Out calls start at $100.00 (special discount for religious leaders)

______

THE PREACHER


Preacher Ted Haggard: Hi, uh, I saw your ad...

Hooker Mike Jones: Hey, how r u?

Preacher: I'm good, I'm good, I'm nervous but...here's the thing, I'm a very
visible, hypocritical, national religious leader with a large family
and a huge congregation so I need to be very, very discreet. Are you
discreet?

Hooker: Absolutely!

Preacher: And do you have any meth I can buy.

Hooker: Absolutely, I scored some today at the gay pride parade. I was on the gay marriage float. I really believe gays should have the same rights as straights;
the right to get married, the right to use crystal meth and sell it to other people.

Preacher: Oh, you sound really cool.

Hooker: You do, too. What's your name?

Preacher: Art.

Hooker: When were you looking to meet?

Preacher: Are you free on Sunday? I'm always horny after a good sermon.

THE END

Doogie Comes Out!

Neil Patrick Harris came out today. I just blogged about this yesterday. I told him to come out. I guess he read my blog and took my advice. LOL

Next up: Sean Hayes and Clay Aiken...come on boys, time to grow up.

Story below from People.com

Neil Patrick Harris is gay – and wants to quell recent reports that he had denied it. The actor tells PEOPLE exclusively:

"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships.

"So, rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love."

Harris, 33, currently stars in the CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother. He shot to fame in 1989 at age 16 when he played a teen-prodigy doctor on the hit Doogie Howser, M.D. "It was a very fast but wonderful education," he told PEOPLE in 1998.

After the show went off the air in 1993, he shook off his teen image with roles in the musicals Rent and Assassins and a wild turn as an unhinged version himself in the 2004 movie Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.

"I'm enjoying my 30s," he told PEOPLE in 2004. "I feel like I know where I'm going. And I like where I'm going."

Today is Borat day!

I love my friends! I'm on my way to see the 1:50 showing of Borat in beautiful downtown Oceanside. I stop at my mailbox on the way and there is a big white envelope from my dear friend, Thom Wise. I open it up and inside is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. My very own Borat poster. How brilliantly did he time it to arrive one hour before the showing. The man is a genius.

He has amazing timing. He took me to a Johnny Mathis concert a few months before my mother died and I fell in love with Mr. Mathis. My mother revealed to me that she also loved Johnny Mathis. I never knew that. One of the last things we did together was sit and listen to a Johnny Mathis CD together. She cried, I cried, and we played Somewhere My Love, by Johnny Mathis at my mothers funeral. This huge, wonderful chain of events was set in motion by my amazing friend taking me to a concert in Las Vegas.

I'll say it again. I love my friends.

You know that saying, "Know who your friends are." That's one thing I've really achieved in my life, I KNOW who my friends are. And they know I know.

Thank you, Thom, for EVERYTHING! I love you. And now I must leave you. I have a date with a man named Borat.

Female or Shemale?

Can you tell the difference between a female and a shemale?

I scored 12 right out of 16. Let's see how you do.

Click here to take the wildy amusing and brief test.

This was sent to me courtesy of a fellow-blogger.

E-mail Insanity

I have a recurring nightmare that happens while I'm awake. I spend a whole evening answering old e-mails. Then for the next few days, every time an e-mail comes in, I answer it right away. But then the nightmare recurs and I get behind again. I try to keep it under 40 but right now I'm at 85. I have committed my afternoon to answering them. Let's see how long this takes. The time now is 1:06 PM. I'll update this when I'm done.

Update 5:08 PM

I have 10 left. Took a break to talk to a friend who asked me if I'd heard about Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) who is widely known in gay circles to be a member of the family. Now, to be honest, I don't give a damn about Doogie Howser, but I really can't stand watching cowardly, self-loathing celebrities like Clay Aiken and Sean Hayes who are so obviously GAY and yet they hide and dodge and weave and play coy with the press. Grow up, people!

So, anyway, I guess some paper in Toronto mentioned Neil Patrick Harris being gay and supposedly his publicist responded with, "He's not of that persuasion." LOL Neil Patrick Harris should either come out of the closet or fire his publicist. Or both.

See how skilled I am at avoiding answering e-mail!

In fact, I looked out the window and saw this beautiful sunset and I ran right out to take a photo. More avoidance on my part, obviously. Man, I love my "backyard". Last week I saw Doplphins swimming in the waves. I really love Oceanside.


Ok, back to my last 10 e-mails. And does Borat really arrive tomorrow! Welcome, Borat! I'll be at the first showing.

The Invention of Velcro

I've always been intrigued by this story. I read it many years ago and I've never forgotten it. I love impressing my friends with my knowledge of Velcro and how it came to be.
_________

One lovely summer day in 1948, a Swiss amateur-mountaineer and inventor decided to take his dog for a nature hike. The man and his faithful companion both returned home covered with burrs, the plant seed-sacs that cling to animal fur in order to travel to fertile new planting grounds. The man neglected his matted dog, and with a burning curiosity ran to his microscope and inspected one of the many burrs stuck to his pants. He saw all the small hooks that enabled the seed-bearing burr to cling so viciously to the tiny loops in the fabric of his pants. George de Mestral raised his head from the microscope and smiled thinking, "I will design a unique, two-sided fastener, one side with stiff hooks like the burrs and the other side with soft loops like the fabric of my pants. I will call my invention 'velcro' a combination of the word velour and crochet. It will rival the zipper in its ability to fasten."

Mestral's idea met with resistance and even laughter, but the inventor 'stuck' by his invention. Together with a weaver from a textile plant in France, Mestal perfected his hook and loop fastener. By trial and error, he realized that nylon when sewn under infrared light, formed tough hooks for the burr side of the fastener. This finished the design, patented in 1955. The inventor formed Velcro Industries to manufacture his invention. Mestral was selling over sixty million yards of Velcro per year. Today it is a multi-million dollar industry.

Not bad for an invention based on Mother Nature.

The Great Pumpkin

I love this one! I just got it via e-mail.

Shane Black and Vince Vaughn

A few years back I attended Shane Blacks famous Hollywood Halloween party and that was my outfit. Vince Vaughn even told me I looked sexy. Black is the screenwriter who gave the world all those L movies (Lethal Weapon, Long Kiss Goodnight, Last Action Hero, Last Boy Scout and now he's directed a movie he wrote called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) It was the best Halloween party I ever attended in the biggest house I've ever been in. Vince Vaughn was dressed as Don Johnson from Miami Vice. Everyone, including men and women were playing with my big penis. Girls would make their boyfriends sit on it. Everybody took pictures with it, it was quite a night. I've always loved Shane Black for giving me that crazy night and for writing The Long Kiss Goodnight, a movie I adore. Thank you, Mr. Black. And if any of you have any more pictures from that night please forward them to me. Boo and Trick or Treat. I love Halloween!!!

Halloween Pedicure

Three weeks I struck a deal with my neighbor that if she would go see Jackass 2 I would go wwith her and get a pedicure. I've never had a pedicure before and I was reluctant to go but once I got there I jumped in, "feet first.' And by the end of the hour I was actually getting my toenailsd painted, black and orange for Halloween.









Then in the middle of my pedicure this macho Marine walked in with his wife and kids. I assumed he was there so his wife could get a pedicure but the wife just sat there and watched while he got his eyebrows waxed. I was so fascinated I took a camera pic.



Happy Halloween

Halloween with Tim Burton

I spent the afternoon seeing Nightmare Before X-Mas. I've seen this film about 20 times in theatres but today was my first time in 3-D and it was more riveting than ever. When I watch it now I tend to search the side of the screen and the background for details I've never seen before and even today I noticed a blue tint to Jacks eye sockets where as before they just seemed pitch black. If you haven't seen this film you must get yourself to a cineplex. Seeing it at home on DVD is not really seeing it.

Bill Maher aka Steve Irwin

I don't know. I love Bill Maher but I think this costume might be...well...just wrong. He wore it to a party last weekend and created a minor scandal. I expect to see alot of these tonight. We'll see. I think it's in poor taste.

The Prestige

I really liked this movie. I really admired it. I was very involved. I did not know where it was going. I could not figure it out and on the way out I had to explain it to my date. The whole movie is one big magic trick. Much like the departed it's the kind of complicated plotting that truly impresses me. I'm intrigued that three of my favorite movies this year, (The Departed, The Prestige, Mission Impossible 3) are all brilliantly constructed but slightly hollow.


Movies that I truly LOVE (Jaws, Silence of the Lambs, The Alien Franchise, Brokeback Mountain, The Fugitive) are more exciting and emotional every time I see them. The Fugitive is incredibly constructed but completely emotional for me. The Departed, The Prestige and MI3 on the other hand all just feel like construction projects, but amazing construction none-the less. I look forward to seeing The Prestige again very soon.

Cooking in Oceanside

There is something about living at the beach that makes me cook. I have never cooked a day in my life but since staying here I've made bread, corn-on-the cob, pork chops, fried chicken, baked chicken, mashed potatoes and ice cream. Yes, I made ice cream. Sort of. If any of you come to the beach and visit me I'll make you a pork chop. What is happening to me? I miss you, Del Taco. Do people really cook every single day in this country? I simply can not fathom it.

The Worst Parking Lot EVER

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the worst parking garage I've ever encountered, located in lovely San Diego. There is a pole next to EVERY car. And EVERY pole is scarred and scratched. Obviously , this was designed by some evil genius who loves poles and hates cars.

The One Paragraph Blog

My favorite blogs I write are short. My favorite blogs I read are short. Whenever I write a short blog I feel I haven't written enough but after I publish it I realize it's more than enough. And every time I write a long blog and publish it I see that it was waaaaay too long. Shorter blogs are better. Most of the time. That's what I think. I want to get shorter. That's my goal.

Saw 3

Half of Saw 3 is spent on a "shocking medical procedure", shocking of course for anyone who has never turned on The Learning Channel. What does it say about the state of movie-going that the makers of Jackass 2 illicit more audience response by attaching a leech to a guys eye than the makers of Saw 3 can by dismembering entire bodies. At Jackass the audience howled and screamed and at Saw 3 they observed.

More and more these days I find myself observing at the movies as opposed to engaging or escaping. I long to escape, to lose myself but more often than not I find myself just sitting there and watching.

Saw 3 wasn't some horrible piece of shit but it scares me that I can sit thru two hours of torture and not feel anything but slightly intrigued. Saw 3 is intriguing, slightly, but is that good enough?

I was completely involved this year by Project Runway, I was invested in those lives but then I go to most movies and I don't really care. I remember how sad I felt after the first screening of Brokeback Mountain, I left the theatre feeling that I had spent two painful hours with a real man named Ennis Del Mar. Is it too much to ask for filmmakers to master the art of engagement the same way they master the art of sound and light.

Next time somene makes a horror movie they should study Jackass first because if a horror movie doesn't horrify, then really, why bother?

Happy Halloween Weekend!

Nice Glass, Sarge.

A Marine sent this pic to me. I cropped the pic to hide his handsome face but I thought the glass was in an interesting position and the liquid was frightengly yellow. And it looks like such a nice room, too.

It's Alive!!!!!

Every October I make a secret plan to drive around the country visiting Haunted Houses. I've never done it but maybe one year I will. Last night my friend Caryn and I went to the Del Mar "Scaregrounds" where they have three attractions: The Haunted Hayride, House of Horrors and Chamber Chills. Saturday night was the wrong night to go. Standing outside in line for hours was scarier than anything inside. And I got more chills looking down into the Port-a-Potty while taking a piss than I did in the actual Chamber of Chills. But while I was standing on line I was repeatedly struck by how well-behaved everyone was. There were lots of hot military guys with their ugly wives and girlfriends (more about that another time) so maybe the constant military presence keeps everyone in check but many times last night I pondered this question:

Are people in San Diego more civilized than people in LA? And how would it feel to live here full-time.

I've never lived anywhere full-time. I spend the most time in LA but over the last 15 years I've travelled extensively. But now, I'm falling in love with Oceanside. And not just for all the hot military men. There is a thrill to being around people who don't read the NY Times. There is no ambition in Oceanside. People here just like hanging out, going to the beach. I wonder if I moved here what would happen to me? Would I continue to work on my projects or would I be sucked away by the waves and become a big fat beach bum?

I do know this. For many years I wished my life away. Meaning I was always saying things like,"I can't wait for this show to close." "I can't wait for this rehearsal to be over." "I can't wait for this or that actor to leave." "I can't wait to get out of this city." "I can't wait for this flight to be over."

I call that "wishing your life away" and since I've taken a hiatus from working in the theatre I no longer have those feelings. I no longer wish my life away. Even standing in line last night at the House of Horrors was pleasurable in some strange way. To live life in the moment and enjoy each day is something I thought was unattainable but it's finally happening. It's been happening for most of this year.

I've dreamed about having a life that wasn't scheduled. A life where everyday is a mystery. I wake up everyday now with no clue how I will spend my day? Will I work on a script, go to the beach, shoot a short film, e-mail my friends, talk on the phone, cruise for sex, see a movie. Every day is a big fat question mark.

I intended to write about Haunted Houses but I seemed to go in a different direction but maybe not, because if you think about it, Haunted Houses are a perfect metaphor for life. You go in, it's dark, you try to find your way, things jump out at you, you run away, you laugh, you hold on to a partner, slimey things touch you but you enjoy it, it's dark again, now it's lighter, now it's really bright, now it's pitch black. Haunted Houses are one big mystery and as scary as they are you never really want them to end because the mystery is so damned exciting. And maybe that's why I love Haunted Houses so much because they remind me of how I want to live my life, how I want to feel each day; scared, excited and ALIVE. It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!

NYC Cam Phone: Sketch Me

"Sketch me, bitch, and my parents will give you 5 bucks!"

My friend Carolyn is addicted to knowledge...

I'm worried about her. I just got this comment from her and I loved it so much i wanted to post it. Carolyn is one of the smartest people I've ever met. Maybe even the smartest.

________

Lately the news is full of this "internet addiction" stuff and I too don't get it. Before the internet it was newspapers & books. It's an information addiction, and is that really such a bad thing? There are TV addicts too, but there are people that are just as addicted to the discovery channel as to sports. I remember as a kid reading the encyclopedias, cover to cover, for fun! Honestly, who is being hurt here? Self-medicating with a desire for knowledge? A fear of people thinking too much?

Carolyn Anhalt

_______

What's your propaganda limit?

I recently attended a Mormon movie with my dad. It was a hard film to swallow. The hero Joseph Smith was perfect, his followers were perfect and all who opposed him were evil. The movie was propaganda. Expensive propaganda. And did I mention it was super boring?

It was a squandered opportunity to make a serious movie about Joseph Smith and the early Mormon experience. Religious persecution is a complicated and important topic and the Mormon trek across America was an epic journey filled with interesting conflicts but this movie (by Mormons about Mormons for Mormons) was so just so damn simple.

Why are religious people afraid of having their movements and leaders seen as complicated? Joseph Smith was loved and hated both from outsiders and people inside his church. Why? Show it. Most people who lead large groups of people are manipulative, ambitious, demanding assholes. They have to be to accomplish anything.

Who was Joseph Smith? I have no idea and yet I sat thru a 90 minute movie about his life.

I recently watched 30 minutes of Triumph of the Will, the propaganda film by Leni Riefenstahl about Nazi Germany. It was frightening for the first 20 minutes and then I just lost interest.

I've often felt uncomfortable at the gay pride parade and now I know why. It, too, is a form of propaganda. And watching the gays smile as the parade goes by feels akin to watching the Mormons smiling at the Joseph Smith movie. I always smile when I see an individual hanging a flag outside their house whether it's Red White and Blue or rainbow. I'm inspired by individual acts of self-expression and pride. But mass-flag-waving makes me nervous whether those flags are American, rainbow or swaztikas. Every time I go to a gay pride parade I get bored after about 30 minutes.

I guess 30 minutes is my tolerance level for propaganda, whether it's gay, Mormon or Nazi.

Spray Paint & Stryrofoam

Is it common knowledge that spray paint eats thru styrofoam? If so, no one told me! LOL I used this plate to spray paint my homecoming hat last week and it ate thru the plate. It looks like what happens when Alien blood hits metal.

Non-essential computer use

I just read this article:

_____

"The United States could be rife with Internet addicts as clinically ill as alcoholics...telephone survey indicated more than one of every eight US residents showed at least one sign of "problematic Internet use." "In a sense, they're using the Internet to self-medicate," Aboujaoude said. "And obviously something is wrong when people go out of their way to hide their Internet activity." "The typical Internet addict was a single, college-educated, white male in his 30s, who spends approximately 30 hours a week on non-essential computer use." _____

What is non-essential??? I spent two hours yesterday reading articles about North Korea and Kim Jong-Il on Wikipedia. Is this considered essential or non-essential? Who the fuck is deciding what is "essential" computer use. We've only been on the internet for what, about 10 years now? Before 1990 NONE of it was essential.

And to equate internet use with alcoholism is completely moronic. I worry about being killed by a drunk driver not people sitting home cruising for stories about Kim Jong-Il. I confess, I'm addicted to information, staying in touch with friends and expressing myself. Oh you damned internet, you're ruining my life! Curse you Al Gore for ever inventing this monster. Life was so much better when information was in the hands of a select few and communication could only happen in person, on the phone, or via snail mail. Oh yes, those were the days!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Barbra Streisand

I love horror movies. I see almost every single one. I rarely get scared or disturbed but when I do I feel I've gotten my money's worth.

I was greatly disturbed at Chainsaw Massacre, not because of the movie-making but because of the apathy it's recieved from the general public. Young people are brutally tortured, cannibalized and skinned alive. Cops are shot in the back and the bad guys win. This is a dark, dark film and yet America is silent. No one is talking about it. No one cares. Yet, when Janet Jackson flashes her breast or Barbra Streisand says 'Fuck you" on stage the national media goes into a tizzy.




I read a story recently about a woman indicted for obscenity crimes because on her website she writes stories about the torture of children? Who indicted her? Have those people ever been to a cineplex or a Broadway show? Last year one of the Tony nominees for best play was The Pillowman, a play about a guy who writes stories about the brutal killing of children. And don't most of our children read Hansel and Gretal in school? So why was that woman indicted?

Who is deciding what is "shocking" or "obscene" and why do some many follow suit?

Some days I'm a very confused American.

Not Nice

I love how humans take over areas where animals were first and then post signs discouraging people from treating those animals nicely. The sign should say, "Please feed the birds, they were on the planet long before we were and will probably be here long after we're gone. In fact, given the current obesity problem in America, please feed at least half of your food to the birds cause you certainly don't need it all."

The Marine

John Cena plays a hot Marine who gets kicked out of the Corp and returns to boring life with his girlfriend. She gets kidnapped, things blow up, lots of people get shot, more things blow up and alls well that ends well. I loved this movie. In the 80's, Hollywood and Joel Silver use to churn this crap out all the time and great entertainments like the Die Hard films often grew out of this formulaic genre. But those days are over. The Marine is a great throw back to that era. It doesn't take itself too seriously and lots of shit gets blown up. Oh, and John Cena is fucking hot! He's a professional wrestler with an amazing body and minimal acting skills. My dream man.

Back in Oceanside

Put 500 miles on my car this weekend running up to Bakersfield for Homecoming but I'm back in Oceanside, ready to support the troops. Semper Fi.

Finishing the Hat

As you may or may not know...In 1986 I was senior class President of Foothill High school in Bakersfield, California...I went to a really cool school and even though it was a conservative (some would say redneck) town, I was openly gay and was embraced my school. I loved high school and I loved my class. Truly.

Flash forward 20 years and I'm in charge of organizing the reunion. We have a great committe so it's not all on my shoulders but it has been quite alot of work. Anyway. Tonight is our Homecoming game and I'm driving up to Bako (that's slang for Bakersfield) to cheer on my Alma Malter. But here's my question: should Alma Mater be capitalized?

So here's the hat I made to show my school spirit I hope you like it! The materials cost me 31 dollars at Wal-Mart but I fear it looks like it only cost 5 bucks. I hate looking cheap. you know. When people see me I want them to say, "wow, you look like 31 bucks!"

It's supposed to rain, so by the end of the night, my hat should look very interesting.

Sperm & Spam

This is my favorite spam I've ever gotten. The fucked up/misplaced punctuation crack me up for some reason.
_______

I`crease Your S''exual Desire and S''perm volume by 500%
L'onger o''`rgasms - The longest most intense o''rgasms of your life
Multiple o''`rgasms - Cum again and again
S'`PUR-M is The Newest and The Safest Way
100% N''atural and No Side Effects - in contrast to well-known brands.
Experience three times longer o''rgasms
_________

Sign me up! LOL

A Poem for Hewlett-Packard

Carly
So sexy
So smart
In her blue velvet jacket
So fetching
Really Republican?
Never stop smiling
Charlie's intrigued
"Fired! Why? Tell me!"
"I don't know", she says
"I don't know."
Will she run for Senate?
Wiki hints she might.
I hope she runs
I like her voice
I like her smile
I like her hair
Sister to Nina Garcia?
Only in spirit.
Strong ladies.
Fearless!
Fired.
What's next for Nina?
Another season.
What's next for Carly?
More book promotion
What's next for Charlie?
A stone red Sumner
Firing Toms
Left and right
Cruise, Freston: Fired
Just like Carly
The sexy Senator from Silicon Valley


Click her or here to read more about the fired CEO.