Some of the WORST hours of my life!

Wow. I am so disgusted with myself. I just had some of the most depressing hours of my entire life. I hate myself right now and I hate Mexico. I could throw up. I'm so sad.

I moved here over a year ago and one of the hardest most disgusting things I've witnessed is the amount of hungry and desperate dogs roaming the streets. The majority of them seem terrified of humans. Dead dogs are a constant sight on the sides of roads and sometimes a dead dog will lie in the gutter for days and just rot away. This is something I have never seen in the United States and I can't imagine ever getting used to it.

I love dogs. I like dogs more people. I wish I could be as unconditionally loving as my dog. I had two dogs but one died a few months ago. She was a very troubled dog my partner and I bought off a homeless man. She reeked of beer. We brought her home and raised her but she had a very nasty side. She was very loving but also incredibly difficult.

She died leaving me with just one dog who is very sweet, Linda. Linda lives outside most of the time in a doghouse. I let her in the house all day but Melqui and I agreed that she would live outside cause he doesn't like the dog hair all over the house. It's not what I would choose but she's fine outside and relationships are about compromise. But I feel bad that she's alone outside and I've often thought it would be nice if she had a friend.

So three days ago, we take Linda on a walk to the store and we see this beautiful black lab. It's big but clearly still a puppy; bright white teeth. The dog is terrified. Won't come near us but he's fascinated by Linda. We were in an enclosed, empty parking lot. So I let Linda off the leash and her and this sweet dog start playing. They are instant friends; jumping and chasing and having fun. It took about half an hour but every time Linda would come back to me the lab would get closer. A few times he let me touch him but whenever I did he'd jump and run 10 feet away. So, finally we decided to leave, and I'm hoping the dog follows us home but I'm nervous cause I know Melqui doesn't want a second dog. But the dog follows us home and we feed him and he drinks a bunch of water and after an hour or so he lets me touch him.

So Melqui says we need to give the dog a bath and take it to the vet for some shots. So the next day I try to put a collar on him and he's not having it. He does not want a collar but I finally I get it on and then I try to get the leash on and he's really not having the leash. I try to pull him by the collar and he will not budge. I realize now I have a big problem. How can I bathe or take him to the vet if I can't get him on a leash.

So, I give up for the next few days and I just focus on getting the dog to relax and eat and be comfortable. And everyday we get closer. He lets me hug him. He jumps in to my arms. Now even though we have a fence the dog has no problem squeezing through the bars so technically the dog isn't ours. He can leave at anytime. But he doesn't. He wants to live with us. And I WANT him to live with us. He barks at all the people that walk by but maybe in Tijuana that's a good thing.

So, I had to go to the USA today and Melqui met me after I got back and we went to dinner and when we returned, Melqui's brother, (who's been staying with us) informs us that today the dog jumped through the fence and bit some lady and the lady is gonna come back tomorrow and she wants money. I'm the only Gringo in the neighborhood and sometimes I feel like I have a dollar sign bulls-eye on my back. I asked Melqui how much money he thought she would want. He didn't know. I said, "what if you tell the lady we don't have money. He said, "maybe she'll go for police and they'll take the dog."

What a mess. Is it our dog? Are we responsible? Are we gonna be on the hook for a bunch of money? Is the lady gonna try to extort me cause she thinks I'm a gringo with lots of money? Are the police gonna take the dog and kill it? What if it all blows over, we keep the dog and he bites someone else? How we can get him his shots when we can't get him on a leash? How much time and money is it gonna take to alter the fence?

There were just too many unknowns. So we decide to send the dog away. I'm not saying it was the right thing but it's what we decided and now I'm disgusted with myself. He was in in the doghouse so we tilted the doghouse to get him out but he didn't want to go. He kept running behind the house. He ran back in to the doghouse. I had tried so hard to earn his trust and now there I am trying to scare him away. But he doesn't want to go. He just huddled in the corner of the yard, totally confused. So I got the hose and I started spraying him with water. And he still wouldn't leave. So as I was spraying I started yelling, "Go! Go!", and he finally ran out of the yard, jumped through the fence and in to the street. And for about 15 minutes he kept trying to come home and every time he headed back I would spray him again and finally he ran down the street.

And now I hate myself. But I didn't know what else to do.

Maybe I should've put a screen over the fence so he can't bit people in the future but what if he bites visitors? And how would we get him to the vet? And if the cops take him they might just kill him, anyway. Maybe he has a chance on the street. But there are so many dead dogs out there.

It just feels like a no-win situation. And tomorrow I get to deal with this lady who was bitten and maybe even the police. And how much money is she gonna want?

I hate Mexico tonight. I hate the way they treat dogs here. I hate feeling like a walking dollar sign everywhere I go. But I really hate myself tonight for turning the hose on a frightened animal that trusted me not to abuse him. The dog thought he'd found a friend. The dog trusted me and I rewarded that trust by spraying it with a hose and chasing it down the street. I'm disgusting. I feel physically ill about what I did.

And that is the story of one of the worst hours of my entire life.

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Update: A few hours later, last night, I go and look and he's back sitting on the porch. I open the door. He stares at me. So I decide to let him in the house and I make a bed in the office and me and the two dogs sleep together on the floor, happily, all night. I still don't know what to do. I guess I'll put screen over the fence to keep him in. I guess I'll pay this lady money if she comes back. I don't know. But this dog is so sweet and loving and life for a dog on Tijuana streets is hell. So...who knows?