Meet the star of "Tiny Squirters"

Tiny Squirters, starring little people, was playing at the local porn
theatre today. I was reminded of something my acting teacher once
said, "there are no small parts, just small actors."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Is this really an issue or are people in Oceanside just bored!!!

Ronnie's Military Laundry Service

Marine: Hey, can I do my laundry at your house, dude, the machines in
the barracks are fucked up. One machine for 300 guys! Plus they just
throw your laundry on the floor, they just take it out of the dryer...

Ronnie: They just throw it on the floor?

Marine: They're assholes.

Ronnie: Yes, you can use my washer and dryer.

Marine: Thanks bro. Bro's before ho's

My Brother, The Crossdresser

I guess it runs in the family.

Waterworld

The Birth of Me

Today, I was asked by my good friend, Vincent Lambert, of VincentLambert.com about the first porn movie I ever saw, so I figured today was a good day to "come clean" about my humble beginnings. Here goes:

Truly, Vincent, no one knows this but I was actually born in a porno theatre in Times Square. My birth mother, who was 9 months pregnant with me, was on a date with my Dad. They were seeing the late showing of Throat, (the prequel to Deepthroat). This was before George Lucas made prequels so popular. It was also before adult film preservation, hence, Throat has been lost to history. But, anyway...

My parents loved porn theaters, in fact, he loved theater in general. My Dad was actually a Shakespearean actor and was appearing as a spear carrier in King Lear at the Winter Garden Theater.

Anyway, during Throat, my Mommas water broke and I gushed out, naked, on to the cold sticky floor, opened my eyes and the first images I ever saw was of a girl giving a guy a BJ and thus began my humble life. True story.

The combination of afterbirth, porn and salty popcorn burned my corneas but I couldn't close my eyes. Whenever I visit a porn theatre now I feel, in a way, like I'm going home, like I'm returning to the womb. Adult theatre patrons feel like distant cousins to me. So, yes, I was the first baby ever born in a Times Square porn theatre and the first porn movie I ever saw was, Throat. The life-long effect is obvious to anyone who knows me.

Consequently, the unwanted fame was too much for my birth mother to handle and so she gave me up for adoption and I was raised by loving Mormons in Bakersfield, California.

Anyway, Vincent, thanks for letting me share my story on your big hit blog. I love you, man.

PS This can all be verified by Googling the words: Porn, Times Square, baby, afterbirth, Larsen, sad, cornea.

The pen is mightier than the claw.

Mr. Kitty is tired from writing all day!

The Birds

Hitchcock in Oceanside

More Crossdressing Marines

They are everywhere in Oceanside!

Juno Update

Oh fuck no! 15 minutes in and I'm already irritated. Are they all
gonna talk like this the whole fucking movie??? This won screenplay of
the year???? Are you fucking kidding me???? I'm giving it 10 more
minutes. Oh how cute, she talks on a hamburger phone! Whatever! 3
minutes more and I'm bidding Juno McGuff farewell. I honestly feel
like I'm watching a parody of Juno. Please, God, tell me this is not
the actual hit movie, Juno, that made gazillions of dollars!!!! Juno's
dad is sexy though! Maybe, I'll stay for him. He's turning me on. Now,
I'm getting horny. I like this scene where Juno meets the potential
parents. I haven't left yet. Okay they've signed the adoption
contracts. I'm bored again. Okay, I'm leaving now, I hope you've
enjoyed watching the first half hour of Juno with me. I know I didn't.
I was adopted. I should find this compelling but it just feels
dishonest somehow, too glib, too shallow. Bye Juno. I'll catch the
rest of you on cable one day.

I'm sending this from my phone, that's why my response is so brief.

Juno

I'm the only one in this theatre. I'm finally see Juno. I liked Ellen
Page in Hard Candy, a very entertaining movie that no one saw. I
haven't seen a movie in ages. Oh no, the Fools Gold trailer is on.
Could I sit thru this? Ok, Juno's starting. Ciao.

I'm sending this from my phone, that's why my response is so brief.

Lucky kitty!

I wish I were that limber!