A Ten Foot Pole

We've all heard the expression, "I wouldn't fuck you with a ten foot pole!"

But I've never heard anyone say, "I WOULD fuck you with a ten foot pole.



God, bless the internet. I have now officially seen it ALL.

2 Gay: Liza With a Z/Cruising

I just had the gayest TV night ever. I watched Liza With a Z on DVD and the Al Pacino film, Cruising.

These movies were so gay it made me feel straight.

Liza With a Z is...I can't even find words to describe it. It was like a time capsule from 1972 exploded in my living room. I'm not one of those queens obsessed with Garland, Liza, Streisand, etc., but I love a good drag show as much as anyone else and watching Liza With a Z was like watching a great drag show choreographed by Bob Fosse. Also on the DVD is a Q and A from the Toronto Film Festival where a beaming female fan says to Liza, "I believe you and your Mom Judy Garland were the two greatest performers ever." Liza looks shocked and says, "Were???" Liza then goes on to explain that she wears sequins so you can't tell when she's sweating. Most interesting though is a conversation between composer John Kander and Liza where an uncomfortable Kander looks like he's putting up with his crazy Aunt at a family reunion.


Cruising is a movie about the search for a gay serial killer, I think. It takes place in the "gay S&M underworld". I mean it takes place in some retards version of a gay S&M underworld. In my favorite scene Al pacino is in a leather bar wearing a gay handkerchief in his back pocket. This is to indicate that he's into watersports. Another guy wearing a yellow hankie approaches Pacino and say, "Are you into watersports?" Pacino says, "No. I just like to watch." The pissed off leather queen yells back,"Then take the yellow hankie out of your back pocket, asshole." This movie really sheds light on how frustrating it must've be to find people to pee on you in 1980. Ultimately, the movie is incredibly confusing. The killer is played by different people and there's a "twist" at the end that implies Pacino is himself the killer he's been searching for. Whatever. There's lots of shots of leather guys with shoulder length hair and muscular bottoms. Hot! (NOT!)

Go here for an interesting discussion of Cruising starring Al Pacino.

I think I would have enjoyed Liza With a Z and Cruising much more as a double-bill at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco with a packed audience of howling "friends". These two movies are too scary (and too much fun) to watch alone.

Oral Sex vs Anal Sex

My high school girlfriend, Carolyn Anhalt, is always way ahead of the curve when it comes to technology-internet-computer stuff. She was the one who introduced me to the greatest e-mail service I've ever used, G-Mail! And now she's shown me this thing called Google Trends. She blogged about it before I did so check out her blog.

BUT ANYWAY...I went to Google Trends and typed in the words: oral sex, anal sex. What a shocker!!! More people are Googling anal than oral. What the fuck??? Wouldn't you rather get a blowjob than fuck someone in the ass. Even on a national level it's better. Wasn't life better for us when Bill Clinton was getting oral sex as opposed to the daily ass-fucking we currently get from George Bush? Oral trumps anal every time. It's safer, cleaner and whole lot simpler.

Click here to study these fascinating results up close. Bucharest is the only place where they are more interested in oral than anal. I'm moving to Bucharest. http://www.google.com/trends?q=oral+sex%2C+anal+sex" target="_blank"

Quick Thoughts

Well, Well, Well!
So you want to be a playwright? Are you sure? A play is closing on Broadway after playing for only a few weeks. The play is called Well. It's by a playwright named Lisa Kron. Friends have been writing to me and telling me how much they loved it. It got rave reviews and it closes on May 14th after 53 performances and 23 previews. And that's life in the theater. Hit plays get rave reviews and close quickly, losing tons of money in the process. Meanwhile, at the cineplex, Scary Movie 4 opens to nothing but negative reviews and an opening weekend grosses over 40 million dollars. Still want to be a playwright?

Super Sweet 16
I was horrified on Saturday as I watched a show called Super Sweet 16. The show focuses on super-rich families with a despicable daughter in the middle of planning a sweet 16 party. I had seen the show spoofed on SNL but I didn't realize how soft the spoof was. The people on this show are the most horrible, heartless, soulless Americans I have ever seen. I watched in horror, praying that the birthday-girl would suddenly have an aneurysm or spontaneously combust. These girls are not human, they are monsters. They abuse their parents and the parents allow it. If you want to see the worst America has to offer watch one episode of this nightmare.

Deal or No Deal
Oh no. I'm hooked. And I don't wanna be! Let me go, Howie. I was changing channels last week and i stumbled across this new hit show, Deal or No Deal and I simply could not change the channel. All they do on the show is give money away. That's it. No trivia questions, no bug-eating, no alliances, just free money. It's a mindless piece of entertainment and I could not stop watching.

David Blaine and The Times
Thank God for The NY Times. Ginia Bellafante wrote an article about David Blaine that articulated my feelings perfectly. If you didn't watch David Blaine trying to hold his breath for 9 minutes then ignore this. But if you watched, as I did, then read this article and you'll know what I thought about the whole affair but couldn't articulate because I'm not as clear or concise or insightful as Ginia Bellafante.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/09/arts/television/09blaine.html

Cinco De Mayo

I can't get over how clever I think the name of the busline is that takes you from San Diego into Mexico.

Mexicoach. I don't know why I find that so clever but I keep thinking about it. Mexicoach.

Every once in a while I visit a town that fills me with equal amounts of fascination and repulsion. Last week, while visiting Tijuana, I couldn't reconcile the two feelings of wanting to leave right away and wanting to move there. What a difference a few miles can make.

I woke up in the laid back, white-trash mecca of Oceanside, California and drove through the spotless, shining city of San Diego and by noon I'm walking down the streets of Tijuana being accosted by pimps trying to get me to enter their stripclubs and get a "massage".

Thank God, I was with my brilliant friend, Thom Wise, who speaks perfect Spanish and knows the value of a peso. Like a fool, I went to the ATM machine and pulled out 50 pesos (5 dollars). He tried to teach me that 1 dollar roughly equals 10 pesos but I guess I didn't listen. And there aren't ATMs on every corner in Mexico like there in America. I actually had to go track one down. It's a hard life, huh?

Unlike the ATM, sex is everywhere in TJ. I kept yelling out, "I'm gay", every time a stripclub manager tried to lure me in but they don't take no for an answer. "We have transvestites!" Hmmmm, no thanks!

I looked at a blanket. He wanted 40. I began to walk away and the price dropped to 30. I'm almost out the door and the guy yells out 22! Sold, to the fat American tourist. I might go back next week and buy another.

My problems, my worries, my fears, they all seemed to lessen while sitting on a park bench watching 6 year-old kids sell chicklets for a peso. When I was 6, I was going to school, vacationing at Disneyland and stuffing myself on Saturday morning cartoons. How different would my life be now if I had spent my weekdays hustling chicklets on Revolucion Ave in Mexico.

My friend Thom has travelled the globe and spent much time in third-world countries. I, however, have not. Still. the next time I'm having a shitty day I need to think of the gum-selling kids in Tijuana and remember that my shitty day isn't really all that shitty.

M:I:3/RV/Scary Movie 4

Mission Impossible 3

I might be addicted to a new drug.

I'm no fan of Tom Cruise the person but I do enjoy Tom Cruise the entertainer and Mission Impossible 3 is the movie I've been waiting for. It's the cure for what ails me. While sitting thru Brokeback Mountain four times last year and being depressed about the horrible life of Ennis Del Mar, I secretly prayed that an action movie would come along and save me from those depressing and lonely cowboys.

Salvation has arrived in the form of Ethan Hunt. I saw the sneak preview on Thursday with my friend, CH and then cleverly manipulated my movie-averse boyfriend into going with me the next night. CH really liked it but she prefers the TV show and my boyfriend swears he liked it, too. But I love it. I love it. I love every minute of it. It makes me laugh, it makes me think, it inspires me but most of all it fills me with envy.

I want to work for the Impossible Mission Force. I want to shoot bad guys down with automatic weapons. I want to put on a sexy dress and flirt my way thru the gates of Vatican City.

Why can't plays be as suspenseful, intense, exciting and action-packled as M:I:3???

I have a feeling this movie might become my latest cinematic obsession.


RV

I can't believe I saw this movie. I was on vacation and there was nothing else playing. It sucked but here's the deal: it did not suck as bad as I thought it would. I mean, it sucked, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the worst movie of all time. The movie version of Rent still holds that title. LOL

Scary Movie 4

I laughed 4 times during this movie. 4 times. I guess that's why it's called Scary Movie 4.