Had a great fall....

Dear Friends, Family and anyone else remotely interested in my life.

I'm not a big fan of sending personal letters in the form of mass mailings. I find it narcisstic. self-indulgent and ultimately impersonal but hey, if the shoe fits...

So here goes...

I'm coming off what is possibly the worst month of my life. Doors are closing and new ones are opening. Chapters are ending and new adventures are beginning. It's an exciting time but also incredibly depressing, difficult and challenging. It's a cliche to say that without my friends I couldn't have gotten thru the last month but it's 100% true. My friends have taken care of me and helped me in ways that I find humbling and awe-inspiring. I actually feel incredibly undeserving of the love and help I've been showered with. Whenever I worry that I have bad kharma I look at my friends and realize that I must be doing something right.

I lost my Dad a few weeks ago. He died suddenly of a heart attack. He was a man who jogged every morning for 5 miles. He was in perfect health, Had no vices and lived a perfectly clean life in every way. I am nothing like him. His life and home were in perfect order and free of chaos. He was walking off a cruise ship and he had a heart attack and then 24 hours later he was gone. My mother suffered for years with cancer, hers was a long, slow painful goodbye but my Dad just went suddenly. The last conversation we had was about duct tape and ceiling fans.

I'm incredibly sad at his passing but he didn't suffer, he lived a great life and he had no fear of dying. In the last few years we had discussed every aspect of my personal life, EVERY ASPECT, and he literally seemed unfazed. I was worried he might not ever kiss me on the lips again after I told him all the things my lips have done but he was as loving as always. There are no loose ends there. No unresolved issues. But I'm greedy! I want more! I always want more. I assumed he would live to be 90 but...he died at 74. And that's that.

Losing a parent is enough to deal with in one month but a month before he passed i made the very tough decision to give up my life in Oceanside and move to Mexico full-time. I had been living here all summer and I was looking for ways to keep my place in Oceanside but financially it just didn't make sense. I loved Oceanside. Still do. It was an amazing time. The memories in my house would fill 10 novels and for those of you attended the infamous parties you know what I'm talking about. I met Blair and Niki and Cathleen in Oceanside, three of the greatest people I have ever known. Three people that will be in my life forever. Three people who love me unconditionally and who never say no. I'm blessed to have them. i wish i could give them as much as they give me.

But for many reasons, too numerous to discuss here, Mexico made sense. I can run the website from here, still throw parties all over Southern California and have a greatly reduced overhead. My rent in Oceanside was 1,600 and utilities were another 400. My rent AND utilities in Mexico are 950.00. And the Mexico house is stunning. It makes my Oceanside place look like a slum. Your money gets you so much more in Mexico. I was driven here by my eternal frustration with my complicated finances but once I got here I felt a calmness and peace I hadn't felt in a few years.

I'm gonna try to be extremely honest in this letter. I'm assuming if you're still reading, it's because you care. I moved to Oceanside for the sex; Marines, Marines and more Marines. I moved there knowing no one. But I quickly met people and had plenty of sex partners and then the parties...it was all very exciting, but i lost control....people were knocking on my doors at all hours looking for sex and parties. Marines would come to a party on Saturday and not leave til Monday. At times I felt like I was running a non-profit hotel for sex addicts. It wasn't one person that was the problem though there were a few assholes I had to sever ties with. I loved mostly everyone I met in Oceanside but it was a cumulative problem. Constant activity. i could no longer focus. One time a sex partner showed up unannounced and knocked on the door. I stayed in bed. Next thing I know he's knocking on my window, "are you in there?" It just got out of control for me. It's my own fault because boundaries have never been my strong suit but the fact is I lost control in Oceanside. I loved it but I lost control.

Financially, too, I lost control. This is very hard for me to discuss because I've always been bad with money and I hate discussing it. But everything was fine financially til I started the website. I raised 10,000 to make UnitedSexAddicts.com but that money was quickly gone and for the first year i was stuck with an expensive monthly server bill. At the same time a real estate business I was involved started to go bust so I lost income as I was accumulating expenses. Then the landlady raises the rent from 1,400 to 1,600. I assumed once the website went paid my money problems would be over but i was so wrong. Only about 5% of the members pay for the site. Thank God for those members but it's gonna be a much slower build than i anticipated. And the website needs lots of work. So not only is there a monthly server cost but I have technicians in India who do not work free! I see now that I severly mis-managed the website. It was free for way too long and people assumed it would be free forever but why would anyone think I would spend a year creating a free website for sex addicts? It's not a charity it's a hook-up site. So it's been a tough learning experience and I''ve made countless mistakes! But I'm hopeful in the next few years it will be a lucrative venture but it isn't yet. Far from it! But I love it and I'm committed to it so....thats that.

I also make money on the parties but not nearly as much as one might think. There are three types of partygoers. There are partygoers who always insist on paying cause they are incredibly generous and they are grateful that the parties happen. Then there the partygoers who only donate if they are pushed and prodded and then there are partygoers that simply WILL NOT DONATE. I don't know why but they just won't donate. But here's the thing about the parties and donating that i keep trying to explain. After everyone leaves I and i alone, get to pick up shit-covered condoms and clean up after EVERYONE; those who did donate and those who did not! That's why everyone should contribute cause the parties are for everyone. I say this not to whine but to make a point. If everyone who came to a party actually donated things might have been easier for me financially. But I can assure you that 50 people at a party does not equal 1,000 in donations. I've had parties with 60 people and the donation total was 400. We spend 150 on supplies, I give my door person money and so at the end of a party I'm not a rich party promoter. I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I AM EXPLAINING!

This letter is about explaining. Where I am, how I got here and where I'm going.

So economically things were not easy but then the economy collapsed and I woke up one day and said, "this country doesn't make sense anymore from a financial standpoint." A root canal in Mexico costs 80 bucks but in the states it's 1,400. We are being financially gouged and raped at every turn in America and there seems to be no end in sight. So I looked at Mexico and said, let's give it a try. I let visitors use my Oceanside place all summer and spent most of the summer in Mexico and it worked. It's not perfect here but I can park outside my house without fear of getting a 50 dollar street weeping ticket.

So I came to Mexico and I met a guy and golly gee, I fell in love. We've been dating for 5 months, I have no idea where it's going but I like him ALOT and if you know anything about me you know I do not fall in love easily. Almost never, in fact. Sex is easy, love is hard. So that's been another interesting development.

So after lots of hemming and hawing I decide to give up Oceanside.

I plan my moving day for September 15th. Then my Dad dies and the funeral is scheduled for September 15th. No lie. My friend Niki, like a fucking trooper and saint steps in, takes over my move, packs up the moving truck. All while i'm in Bakersfield dealing with my Dad. So I leave to go my Dad's funeral 3 or 4 days before and halfway there in the car i start becoming violently ill. By the time i get there I can barely stand up. I go right to bed at my good friend, Jans house and i lliterally do not get out of bed til the morning of the funeral, 4 days later. The funeral is perfect. Very moving. My friend Donna holds my hand the whole time. My brother gave a eulogy that I'm STILL pondering. He taught me things about my Dad I never understood. It was an awesome, life-changing event. The funeral ends I head to Oceanside, get my moving truck packed with stuff and my friend Cathleen and i drive it into Mexico. My Mexican friends help me unpack. We return the truck to America. i go back to Mexico and I FALL IN TO A VERY DEEP DEPRESSION. I'M PARALYZED. I FEEL LOST. I can not focus. I'm still trying to shake it. Goodbye Dad, Goodbye Oceanside...on the same day...too much to process.

I try to unpack but there's no storage here. Houses in Mexico don't have closets. I shove everything in the garage. And PS I'm out of money cause my checks from the website don't get forwarded for a few weeks cause i had the mail stopped and I had to cancel some parties. So my friends start loaning me money. Meanwhile I disconnect my iphone cause my bill for one month was 900.00 dollars in roaming charges so thats why no one has heard from me via phone. Cathleen gave me her mothers cell phone to use in the mean time til i figure out the phone situation. So i have no phone, I'm feeling very isolated, my e-mails are piling up, my house is in shambles and I'm still sick from Dad's funeral. And my Dad is dead. It's unbelievable but true. They gave me boxes of his stuff and they sat in my trunk for two weeks, I couldn't muster the energy to bring them inside. Oh woe is me.

It gets worse. I've had a tooth I've neglected for many many months. it was broken but didn't really bother me til about 8 weeks ago. Well around the time of all this it starts to go crazy and i have these flare ups. Terrible pain like i've never felt before. I finally go to the dentist last week for a root canal, she tries to inject me but the pain is so intense I start screaming FUCK FUCK FUCK in the dentist chair. She tries again. I can not take the pain. I snapped. I get in my car and start driving to America to my American dentist. I'm tired. i can;t keep my eyes open. I pull over to sleep, it takes me 12 hours to go from the border of Mexico to LA. Did I mention I got a flat at the border. Yes, I got a flat. That's when I really start pondering my kharma and every actor I've ever fired. But look at my friends, i've got great friends. i can't be all that bad.

I get to the dentist in America and he says i can do a root canal for 1400. 1,400??? Are you fucking kidding me? I could buy a house in Mexico for 1,400. I drive back to Mexico. Start taking antibiotics. Last friday it gets really bad! More pain. Horrible pain. Excruciating!!!!!!! I start taking painkillers and I go to bed for three days. My house is still in shambles, unpacked, boxes...and dog hair everywhere, piling up, dog hair....EVERYWHERE....dog hair....I took two dogs that my friend had in LA...she took care of them for 3 years so now it's my turn. She came down for the weekend and swept for three days non stop. My beautiful relaxing Mexico home is now a house of hair.

I'm trying to get back up.... have a sex party tomorrow on Wednesday, then the Dentist on thursday and then I'm hoping and praying things start to calm down.

It's been too much. Truly. It's been too much.

I've left out lots of details. Yes there's more, lots more. But this letter is too long as it is.

Let me just say that I believe that this will be a much better month than the last one. And the next time someone says, "God will never give you more than you can handle", tell them they are full of shit!

It has been too much. How would I have moved without Niki, Blair, Jesse, Hayward, Deb and April? How would i have gotten the truck down here without Cathleen? Who would have swept the dog hair while I was in bed on painkillers if not Caryn Horwitz?

It was too much to handle, but I'm alive. Barely. And trying to get back on my feet slowly but surely. But it was too much for me. I was broken by it all.

So if you haven't heard from me, that's why! If I haven't returned your e-mail or phonecall, that's why. If I haven't had time to suck your dick, that's why!

I'm hoping October is better than September and that November is better than October. I'm hopeful. There so much to look forward to. More parties, more dates, the website continues to grow, my overhead is much, much lower, i may even produce a play with Niki. But right now things are tough. Very tough. But I'm trying to climb out.

i'm still in shock over the death of my father. It's shocking that he's gone so suddenly. No goodbyes...no fanfair...just gone.

Below are a list of "thank you's" to everyone who has propped me up in this terrible time. In no particular order.

Jan - Thanks for the weekend at your house before the funeral.

Donna - Thanks for showing up to the funeral even though i was too sick to get you directions, thanks for comforting me and for letting me be alone with my thoughts at the same time.

Jay - Thank you for asking nothing of me and for giving a great eulogy.

Cathleen - Thank you for the emotional and financial support, for driving the u-hual, for helping me unpack, for feeding me, for holding my hand and for agreeing that i've been dealt too much at one time. empathy is what i was craving.

Caryn - Thank you for sweeping up the dog hair, and for hosting the party and for telling me, "Your Dad died." in a caring voice I shall never forget.

Niki - I wouldn't know where to start to thank you but THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. Thank you for being there the morning of his heart attack.

Blair - Thank you for being the rock of sanity you always are. Thank you for holding down the fort and thank you for putting Club Sex Addict together again.

Cindy - Thank you for the money and for being the first phonecall after I got the news about my dad. I love you & Kim & Carly & Harry more deeply than you will ever know.

Carolyn - Thank you for contacting me.

Cardoza - Thank you for taking my insanely emotional phonecall at 6 am and talking me thru the morning.

Joseph - Thank you for letting me know you were there for me for whatever I needed.

Deb, Jesse, Hayward, Blair and April - Thank you for moving me!!!!! I will always be grateful. You all own me.

Michael and Sullema - Thank you for taking care of me in Mexico. I'm excited to be your neighbor.

Thom - Thank you for coming and cuddling and buying me food. i needed to get out of the house and eat.

Jose - Thank you for your patience. I know you hate me, lol, but thank you.

My friends on the USA website - thank you for your kind letters of condolences

Janet - Thank you for showing up at the graveside and giving me a BIG hug.

Julian - Thank you for saying you love me (by calling me a fat ass)

Angelina - Thank you for doing a web show and giving us a big traffic day on the site

Vinayak - Thank you for your patience, I'm not a flake, you know that.

Joshua - Thank you for being understanding. You've been a better friend to me than I've been to you.

Tall Paul - Thank you for writing me one of the sweetest letters anyone has ever written me.

Michael and David - For producing my play in Florida. i hope you guys make money.

I have many more people to thank, I'm sure, but if I've forgotten anyone for anything please reread this letter and just know I'm still not 100%. Even a friend came to see me today and she said, "you just seem slow. like things aren't firing for you yet." And she's right. I'm struggling. But I'm hoping within 10-14 days i should be somewhat together again.

So, if you care about me, just give me some time. if you write and I don't respond right away, don't take it personally. If you can't get a hold of me, just know I'm working on my phone situation.

And if you read this whole thing, you get a gold star.

And if you don't know what to do with all your extra money, send it to me and I'll gladly spend it for you.

Have a great Wednesday!

Love,

Ronnie

And Sally sends her love as well.

Below is the one of the first photos as well as the last photo I ever took with my Dad.

And just in case you think I'm super pathetic, which I am, check out the house I'm renting in Mexico for $850.00 a month plus $150.00 for ALL utilities. So, things could be a lot worse, ALOT! Viva la Mexico!