So Many Movies

Me: What was the last movie you saw?

Myself: National Treasure, last night, 9:40 pm. Really enjoyed it.

Me: You liked National Treasure???

Myself: For me these films accomplish everything the Da Vinci Code didn't. They're fun! The Da Vinci Code was NOT fun. Are the National Treasure films silly? Of course! But I still enjoy them. They move very well. I love the way the say, "We need to go to Paris!" And boom, they're in Paris. No shots of the plane taking off and arriving in France. They just are suddenly in Paris. I like that pacing. Transitions are highly overrated. It's an efficient way of storytelling. I sort of find it inspiring.

Me: Are you saying you're inspired by National Treasure 2.

Myself: In a way, yes. Bruckheimer knows how to engage and entertain an audience. Look at the people behind the Aliens vs Predator series. There's an example of people who have absolutely no clue what they're doing. They took two of the coolest creatures ever created and shat all over them in not one but TWO movies.

Me: I wouldn't even see it!

Myself: Have you seen Predator? Have you seen Alien? These movies are two examples of perfect movies that work completely on every level. So how, I ask you, do we end up with the pure shit that is the AVP series. Every moment of each AVP movie is terrifyingly crappy. Look at the Batman series. Christopher Nolan has completely restarted what was a dead franchise. He should be directing AVP. The movie I am most looking forward to in 2008 is the next Batman film. I've watched Batman begins countless times and every time it gets better and better. Nolan proves that dead franchises can be revitalized.

Me: Why are we talking about Batman Begins. I want to hear about movies that are out now. What did you think of Sweeney Todd.

Myself: Sweeney is a little tough for me. I loved it. Loved every minute of it. But I had to pretend I hadn't heard it sung better countless times. I had to take it on its own terms. I worship Tim Burton. Seriously. And I worship Sondheim, so to see them both in one movie is like one big prolonged orgasm. But I still came home and listened to the original Broadway cast recording. I'm thrilled that we have both versions and I hope they make movies of ALL Sondheim's shows.

Me: But they won't.

Myself: But they should.

Me: But they won't.

Myself: So you loved Sweeney.

Me: I loved it.

Myself: BUT...

Me: But I'm glad we have original cast recordings! That's all I'm gonna say. Did you see it?

Myself: I did. I loved it, too. I cried when the little boy sang, "Not While I'm Around." I thought he had the best voice in the movie.

Me: So you had a problem with the singing, too.

Myself: I wouldn't say problem, but I did cry when the little boy sang. So...I'm not sure what that means. I look forward to seeing it again.

Me: Me too. What's next?

Myself: Let's talk about Hitman and No Country For Old Men. I saw both hitman movies in one week. Javiar Bardem is a perfect hitman but I have concerns about Timothy Olyphant.

Me: Are you really comparing Hitman to No Country For Old Men.

Myself: Well they're the same movie, basically.

Me: Are you out of your mind?

Myself: When you boil it down they're the same. Listen, there's only two plots; Cinderella and/or Jack the Giant Killer. Every story is a variation on those two plots. In all stories characters are either falling in love or trying to kill a giant. And in some movies they're doing both at the same time. Jaws is of course Jack the Giant Killer. Silence of the Lambs is Jack the Giant Killer. Alien is Jack the Giant Killer. Brokeback Mountain is both Cinderella and Jack the Giant Killer. In Brokeback they are falling in love (with each other) and battling giants (the world and themselves). Trust me there are only two plots. So if the Coen Brothers had written and directed Hitman starring Javiar Bardem it might have been just a good a film as No Country For Old Men. Did you see Hitman?

Me: No one saw Hitman but you.

Myself: Some Marines in Oceanside saw it cause they were in the theatre with me.

Me: So you and 5 Marines saw it.

Myself: And I actually sort of liked it. But I'm still not sure I bought Timothy Olyphant as a hard-boiled Hitman. I'm having a hard time remembering it even. I didn't hate it. I'm just not sure about Olyphant. He seemed so nice.

Me: Maybe that's a good thing.

Myself: Maybe. I'm not sure.

Me: But No Country For Old Men?

Myself: Loved it. Saw it twice. Will hopefully see it again. Well maybe not loved it. I liked it sooooooooo much. Really really really liked it. Wait, maybe I loved it.

Me: Craziest ending ever filmed!

Myself: The first time I saw it, the entire audience gasped and said out loud "What the fuck????" I laughed but people were not saying nice things on the way out of the theatre. I wanted a different ending, too, but I also accepted the ending. I bought the whole package. And I actually enjoyed the movie more the second time. The second time around the plot holes seemed much larger but I don't really question it. I love the movie as is. Unconditionally.

Me: Do you think it'll win the Oscar?

Myself: I think there's a good chance. It will certainly be nominated. But the buzz on There Will Be Blood is tremendous.

Me: Have you seen it yet?

Myself: No, but I'm dying to. I almost drove up to LA last night to see it. It's not in Oceanside yet. I'm really looking forward to it.

Me: Hey, should we stop talking now? Do you think anyone is gonna read this whole long thing?

Myself: Bret will. Marz might. Maybe my brother will if he's having a slow day at work. Carolyn will skim it, I bet. Michelle will try but she'll get bored and go walk her dogs instead!

Me: We haven't even gotten to the other movies you've seen and not written about.

Myself: You mean Bee Movie, P2, Awake, The Mist, Beowulf, The Golden Compass and I am Legend.

Me: Did you like those?

Myself: I thought I Am Legend worked perfectly. I completely believed it. I was scared. I got nervous. My heart rate increased. I tried to see it again but after 20 minutes I left to go do a booty call.

Me: You took a phone call during the movie???

Myself: The theatre was empty. And no I didn't take a call. I got an e-mail on the trusty iPhone. So I got a refund and went home and had sex.

Me: I can't believe you checked your e-mail during the movie! That's disgusting.

Myself: You're right. It is. I'm such a fucking hypocrite!

Me: How was the sex?

Myself: I don't recall.

Me: How was Bee Movie?

Myself: I think I liked it. yes I liked it. I wanted to see it after seeing Seinfeld give a great interview on Charlie Rose. He seems so clear. So unclouded by Hollywood. So sane. I wanted to see his movie after watching the interview. He talked about his being OK with not working. He talked about not feeling the need to make more product just for the sake of making more product. I struggle with not working. I feel guilty some days. I feel I should be out there but I haven't figured out how to work and have a peaceful life at the same time. Once, I figure out that magic formula I'll probably go back to work but right now I'm okay with not working.

Me: I don't believe you're okay with not working.

Myself: I'm figuring it out. I'm in transition. I know my touring days are behind me. Dragging my ass from city to city is nothing I'm interested in doing again anytime soon. So when I work again, if I do, it will be very different, I hope.

Me: I just want to know what you thought about Bee Movie. I don't care whether you work or not.

Myself: Yes, I liked Bee Movie.

Me: Let's try this. I'll name a movie. You give me a one sentence response.

Myself: Ok.

Me: P2.

Myself: Best movie I ever saw set in a parking garage. Bad acting. Stupid script. I almost left 5 times. Glad I saw it though. The lead actress was dreadful.

Me: That's 6 sentences.

Myself: Sorry.

Me: The Mist.

Myself: Loved the violence, hated the talking. More killing, less talk, please!

Me: You're a barbarian!

Myself: Well if they're gonna talk they should say something interesting. I had a revelation last night that it would be totally fascinating to see a Halloween sequel written and directed by Woody Allen. Now that would be an interesting movie.

Me: Indeed.

Myself: And speaking of scary movies, Emma Thompson in I Am Legend gets my vote this year for best supporting actress. She brilliantly sells the opening of the movie and when she humbly smiles after announcing they "cured cancer" I got chills. Her acting in that brief opening is some of the best acting I've seen all year. She's so perfect! Perfect!

Myself: Emma Thompson is in I Am Legend with Will Smith??? Are you on crack?

Me: In the opening. She's the doctor in the opening. She's brilliant.

Myself: Beowulf.

Me: I want to have sex with Beowulf. The naked fight scene was better than Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises. But the movie? Eh. Whatever. It looks like a video game. What's the point? Did it need to be animated. Is a cartoon Anthony Hopkins better than a real one? Peter Jackson could've made a live version of the same movie and it would have been much better! It left me very cold.

Myself: But did you like it better than The Golden Compass.

Me: Oh God! Don't remind me. It seems like a bad dream. Did I really sit through that? The WORST! Soooooooooo boring. I almost slit my wrists for entertainment. Truly a snooze. And weird. And creepy. It's not anti-Christian it's anti-cohesion. I didn't even know what I was watching. The kids have demons that are animals and the adults want to take their pets away and it costs 200 million to make. What the fuck???? I mean really! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Myself: Which segues perfectly to our last movie, Awake.

Me: Awake! Oh, Awake. The sequel to the Golden Compass. Another movie that I can't comprehend.

Myself: I would love to discuss this movie with someone but NO ONE I know saw it. Did you see it?

Me: I saw it with you.

Myself: Is it the strangest movie of 2007?

Me: Possibly, yes. I think on some level I actually enjoyed it but I'm not sure. It's soooooo weird. I admire these writers that actually think this shit up and sell it to studios for millions of dollars. "I've written a script about a guy who is put to sleep during open heart surgery but he's not really asleep and while he's not really asleep he has to solve his own murder before it happens so he can save himself." WHAT THE FUCK??? Who thinks this stuff up? Seriously????? Sign me up! I have a million insane ideas!

Myself: Maybe you should write screenplays.

Me: Yes, the world needs more screenplays!

Me: So, there we have it. The longest blog entry ever written!

Myself: I like it better when you update more consistently with shorter entries.

Me: But I don't write it for you. I write it for me.